When IS enough as good as a feast? Ever?!

So, long time, no post. Often a dearth of posts on anyone’s blog means badness, a general slow sliding off the wagon if you will. In my case it’s been stress, pure and simple (and I guess, nothing to say). As well as no shower and leaking boots (as referred to in my last post), I have been interviewed for a promotion. I find interviews unbelievably stressful – I think it’s the combination of my hating to be centre of attention and my lack of self-confidence which means I never think I’ve done anything worth mentioning. The night before the interview I was actually a millimetre away from outright hysteria and the day of it, my fight/flight mechanism was fully engaged and despite my hatred of running I could have done a very credible sprint over quite a distance – as long as it was in the opposite direction to the interview. I grew a socking great mouth ulcer as a reaction to all the stress (why oh WHY can’t I be one of those people who get skinny on stress? I would be wafer thin).

On Sunday (day before interview) I discovered that none of my jackets fit me. The people who were interviewing me know what I wear to work every day – and they ain’t jackets (usually a skirt and a knit) but I felt compelled to wear something smarter than usual. I trailed dispiritedly around cheap local shops but the only jackets I found were c£50 and looked really, really cheap, didn’t fit properly and I would never wear again. Bf practically marched me into Hobbs (with me whining that it was too expensive) and got me to buy a very pretty, fine silk cardi-top in an electric blue that he said would be “stunning” with [my red] hair” and “really showed off [my] hourglass shape”(!) – on the joint account. It’s not something I would have spent £50 on but it’s very nice (wore with navy skirt and lime cami-top underneath) and I do think I’ll get alot of wear out of it over the Spring (and let’s face it, probably the English summer too).

The interview was – okay. I wasn’t great but I don’t think I was terrible either. I went home and had a creme egg –aware that I was utterly reinforcing all the wrong instincts of eating as a treat and under stress. I don’t think that was why I didn’t enjoy it though – but I hope that will be enough to stop me eating another one this year. Anyway, apparently it was a very strong selection of candidates, all of whom did very well at interview but I did best and the job is mine. Cue instant terror. I love my current job and I won’t get much more money for the new one, despite it being a promotion - but I do hope I make a reasonable job of it. Beth bought me THE most exquisite chocolates as a congratulations gift (only 8, she’s not trying to fatten me up(further)) and I have eaten ‘only’ 4 – can’t tell you how badly I wanted them all.

And – talking of resisting – I am now sitting here opposite two boxes of doughnuts and a box of cupcakes. I only want them because they’re sugar, I don’t even really like Krispy Kremes and the cakes are not great looking. And yet, it’s very hard to resist. I’ve walked over and looked at them twice. Why is this so hard?

Which brings me on to – my caption for today, when is enough as good as a feast? And how can I get to that stage? Earlier in the week a colleague baked a tray of millionaire’s shortbread. Now, being home-made (and on a day when I’d had to call the plumber in to disable our permanently flowing shower), there was no question of resisting THOSE. They were cut up very small but I had 4..4!! Okay, when I calmed down, I realised that was probably only the size of one (slightly large) piece but the sugar was enough to make my heart hammer. It’s like I’ve had too much coffee – that effect – but caused by sugar rather than caffeine. It’s not pleasant or comfortable – and it is worrying – but I STILL wanted more. It’s like I have no ‘off’ switch, no satiety point, no end to my greed.

I am trying to work on this but any tips would be great. Now at least 2 hours past arrival of doughnuts and I haven’t eaten one but I am going out tonight for dinner with bf (a very rare event) and afternoon tea with friends on Sunday. So I need to balance this out a bit. Think I can resist pudding tonight – and it’s a fish restaurant so can make healthy choices easily enough (we usually have a shellfish platter) but of course will have a glass of wine. Tomorrow will be perilously close to a Ben’s Cookies but will try my hardest to resist in anticipation of some sort of treat in the tearoom on Sunday. My resistance muscle isn’t even a muscle, it’s so puny. And I’m on a work trip next week from Monday afternoon to Wednesday evening which may include some goodies.

To remind me of the need to build some resistance muscle however, I have a proper bra on. I think I’m actually half a stone heavier than I ought to be to wear it but my cheapo M&S really doesn’t fit (or flatter) and I have a fitted top on that needs some proper cantilevering of bosom. I may regret this later and to this end, I have actually chucked the M&S one in my bag in case the pain gets too much.

Gratitude trio:
1. I’ve had some really amazing and touching support from some former colleagues in other depts who have urged (and even bullied) me on in getting this job, offering all kinds of help, support and advice. Feel really humbled by this.
2. Beth’s floral creams – rose, violet, lavender and geranium, mmmmmm.
3. A better weekend to look forward to including lunch with Naughty R (sporting a purple-plastercast after binge drinking episode and no doubt STILL looking gorgous!), the purchase of boots that don’t allow water to sodden my socks and a trip out for history and tea.