Sugar lips

I am being sorely tested. On many levels - but it all comes down to food. Or sugar, to be precise. My brother’s shocking insults (thanks for the support, btw, it’s really appreciated) make me want to eat to console myself with a great deal of chocolate, cakes, cookies, sweets.... Badly. I have just bought a Bens Cookie each for me and my mum tonight (I am going over there) and now I have to resist it all afternoon. I actually ate a M&S cube cake and didn’t enjoy it and it didn’t make me feel any better- this makes me want to try another thing, and another, and another until I hit on the thing that makes me feel better. Intellectually I know that food can’t do this but it’s a hard sell (to myself).

And I have a series of lovely – but foodie – events coming up. Saturday we are meeting bf’s parents for brunch – I’ve checked the menu and the only thing I want is pancakes and bacon (I don’t like the English fry up breakfasts). And actually I’m not bothered by the bacon, which always seem weird to me with pancakes – I have to eat them separately one at a time – I just want the pancakes. Then Sunday is Valentine’s Day – we’ll probably just get some nice fish to cook at home but I foresee some calorie challenges just the same (booze, pudding). Tuesday is Pancake Day (I like mine with a little sugar and a LOT of lemon so could be worse) and Wednesday we’re going to a cheese and wine tasting. The challenge is to maintain discipline around these events and not to treat it as a week’s (or more) holiday from the diet and eat everything in sight. Or to start that now. Depressingly, it only takes a small slip like this and I will put back on all that weight – possibly more. So I have to grit my teeth, enjoy the foodie diversions but not be diverted from the diet more than is necessary. It’s a lesson I need to learn – life will occasionally get in the way of dieting. I’m going to need all the help I can get.

I’m still feeling very sad (and, weirdly, ashamed) regarding Brothergate. I cannot imagine that I will ever want anything to do with him ever again and I have such a small family anyway. It’s more the loss of his eldest daughter (who’s 4). Her sister (2) is, I’m afraid, less of a loss since the chav blood ran very strongly in her – her most frequently utterance was the whine “But I WANT it”. But I will miss the elder niece. The Chav-in-law was always pretty mean to her – she seems to see her as competition for attention – and she is SO like my mum it’s uncanny and rather sensitive. I always felt she might need some special attention - and a bolthole when she’s older. I had hoped to be able to help her. I hope there’s someone else to do this for her since I won’t be able to. Brother 2 has made it clear he doesn’t want anything to do with me anyway – he told my mother that he ripped up the card I sent him for his birthday like he was terribly proud of himself. Did I mention that he’s 36?

Three things to feel grateful for from yesterday:
1. You guys! You’re the best.
2. Lovely trip to see snowdrops and winter gardens
3. Bf changed all the bedding, unsolicited! AND put the right pillowcases on too!