How would you describe me in a word? Or two? I know you don't know me in the 'real world', most of you, so maybe that's why I believe that your description wouldn't be "that fat bitch". But that is what my brother called me on the vitriolic emails he sent my mother. She showed them to me yesterday and I was taken aback at the level of spite and nastiness directed at me - I had not been involved in events and whilst I knew (and was upset by) how nasty he'd been to my mother, had not realised that I had been blamed for unduly influencing her to behave in such a way (he thought she'd criticised the Chav-in-law (aka the Parasite)). She had simply explained about a pattern of behaviour that had made her feel hurt, sidelined and not respected. She tells me she was very careful not to use emotive language or to criticise the CIL. Apparently he listened to this but then sent two scorching emails of abuse and bile in which I featured heavily.
Isn't it funny how something so childish, from someone who is behaving like a toddler in a temper tantrum can still hurt so much and for so long? I can't currently see how I can ever forgive him for this. And I know that the language and his very stance was heavily influenced by my fishwife of a CIL but the fact remains that he pressed send. From his work email address where he is a Vice President. Bf is in favour of contacting them about this abuse of the email system but since the emails were to my mother, this is not my decision.
It made me feel small (ironically perhaps) and sad and diminished - that that phrase summed me up. That that's how he - and possibly the world - sees me, despite the effort I put into being a different person. And he'd cc'd Brother 1 in so he's seen that's how Brother 2 sees me. And my mum sent them to my aunt for an opinion. It all makes me cringe with shame.
I don't feel inclined to finish this post with my three things to feel grateful for but perhaps it's more important than ever that I do try and find some positives, so:
1. Pleasant walk with my mother and the labs around Leeds Castle
2. Bf unequivocally on my side - thought I might face accusations of being too thin-skinned (which I am) but no, he said "anyone would be upset by those" - I sneakily sent him the emails.
3. Enormous display of love from bruiser chocolate lab - slightly painful but v endearing.