The other night Beth and I went on a cheese tasting night (bf cried off because he lost the best part of a tooth and was not feeling chirpy). It was in a very swish club where I was the fattest and scruffiest person there. Possibly the fattest and scruffiest person who ever darkened its doors, actually. The couple across from me whispered and smirked at me (no, not paranoia!). The man leading the cheese tasting – a maitre de fromage if you will – was a bizarre combination of cross-dressing Jilly Goolden and the farmer from Babe. Luckily, he didn’t say to me “That’ll do, pig”. Although well he might have done. I ate at least a teeny bit of every cheese (although I almost spat out the sliver of cheese that looked like fudge but tasted like earwax) and had seconds of 3 or 4. I had half a biscuit. And 3 glasses of wine, maybe 4. And a Ben’s cookie beforehand and a sub-standard cookie (by comparison) that came with my tea. And something from the snack table every day. Yep, once I’m on that sugar rollercoaster I find it SO hard to get off. Even if the rest of my meal choices were good, I think I have had some illicit goodie every day since Saturday. But I was still very sad today when the Scales of Doom declared me 4lbs fatter than 10 days ago.
It contributed to my general return to the miasma of unhappiness that had seemed to be lifting. I don’t know – much in the way of chicken and egg- what comes first: the weight gain or the awareness of how unhappy I am with pretty much every aspect of myself. But I do know the craziness of my impulse to ‘treat’ myself better with cookies/chocolate whilst still badly wanting to do it. I stopped taking St John’s Wort for about 4 days but I don’t think that can really have had such a dramatic effect – when I’ve finished taking this box I’m stopping it anyway as I can’t take my migraine medication at the same time. I’ve been out for a brisk walk every day to get some exercise and sunlight. Does the sugar make me unhappy or does the effect of it make me unhappy? Or is there no link there at all? I don’t know.
Today started with my shower not turning off (no word from the plumber either), a spat with bf over this, the discovery that my boots leak and are still wet from yesterday and being late to work. My weekend holds – work. Things will get better.