I'm clinging to them. I am lucky to have a happy home life with P who I love and who loves me, some amazing friends and my mother who is more like a friend than a mum.
Because work is very, very bad. I got back from a week's leave to an atmosphere you could cut with a knife. And given that I am more or less used to working in a toxic environment (actually... kinda literally too) it takes something extra 'special' to notice a deterioration. By lunchtime I was shaking. I had already had to cancel my dress rehearsal of my choir performance - thus foregoing the performance which I've worked on for many weeks and was looking forward to and the half day's leave I'd planned so that when my mother came to see me, I could take her out to lunch and not get stuck in the office. I was - rather feebly - close to tears with the disappointment in any case. But I pushed the issue to find out what was happening.
It transpires that my head of section thinks that I am no good and that my boss is carrying me. I do not have a high opinion of myself and I KNOW that's not true. But unfortunately he gets an idea in his head and it's hard to shift - logic alone will not prevail. And of course Queen Dementor is there, thrilling at the misery and drama of it all, ready to stir and stick the knife in. So, although my boss is supportive, the next two levels have got it in for me. I know that sounds paranoid but I work in a huge blame culture and I've seen it happen before with people being forced out through bullying and ill treatment. I just never thought it would happen to me.
So, although I love the subjects which I deal with, I'm going to have to find something less interesting and less personally appealling in order to escape the toxicity and bullying. It's not a good time to look - summer is notoriously quiet even without the Olympics and the economy is not as rosy as our politicians would have us believe. And I have built up enough leave for the wedding and honeymoon too which will be a problem.
Another silver lining is that I can't eat. This has only happened to me once before. I feel hungry but I just. Can't. Eat. If I were more like a normal girl, this would surely involve impressive weight loss But....
More on hiking in the monsoons some other time when I'm feeling less bruised and wretched.