Monday, 16 July 2012

Silver linings

I'm clinging to them.  I am lucky to have a happy home life with P who I love and who loves me, some amazing friends and my mother who is more like a friend than a mum.

Because work is very, very bad.  I got back from a week's leave to an atmosphere you could cut with a knife.  And given that I am more or less used to working in a toxic environment (actually... kinda literally too) it takes something extra 'special' to notice a deterioration.  By lunchtime I was shaking.  I had already had to cancel my dress rehearsal of my choir performance - thus foregoing the performance which I've worked on for many weeks and was looking forward to and the half day's leave I'd planned so that when my mother came to see me, I could take her out to lunch and not get stuck in the office.  I was - rather feebly - close to tears with the disappointment in any case.  But I pushed the issue to find out what was happening.

It transpires that my head of section thinks that I am no good and that my boss is carrying me.  I do not have a high opinion of myself and I KNOW that's not true.  But unfortunately he gets an idea in his head and it's hard to shift - logic alone will not prevail.  And of course Queen Dementor is there, thrilling at the misery and drama of it all, ready to stir and stick the knife in.  So, although my boss is supportive, the next two levels have got it in for me.  I know that sounds paranoid but I work in a huge blame culture and I've seen it happen before with people being forced out through bullying and ill treatment.  I just never thought it would happen to me.

So, although I love the subjects which I deal with, I'm going to have to find something less interesting and less personally appealling in order to escape the toxicity and bullying.  It's not a good time to look - summer is notoriously quiet even without the Olympics and the economy is not as rosy as our politicians would have us believe.  And I have built up enough leave for the wedding and honeymoon too which will be a problem. 

Another silver lining is that I can't eat.  This has only happened to me once before.  I feel hungry but I just.  Can't.  Eat.  If I were more like a normal girl, this would surely involve impressive weight loss  But.... 

More on hiking in the monsoons some other time when I'm feeling less bruised and wretched.


Badger said...

I really feel for you hun ((((hug)))). I've been there and it's not nice or fair.
I will hope for a turn around in opinion for you but sometimes a new job is the only option. Look for a stepping-stone at the very least. My stepping stone turned out to work out well, and I've been here 5.5 years! xx

Seren said...

Oh you poor thing, it sounds dire. If getting out is the only real option then I hope you find something quickly - as Badger says, even if it just a stepping stone to something else. But in the meantime do you have any other recourse? A sympathetic union rep or some such? Your current situation sounds pretty intolerable.

Big, big virtual hugs and fingers crossed for a speedy resolution.


Lesley said...

This makes my blood boil it is so unjust and horrible. A friend of mine went off sick with stress and then went through the pain of an employment tribunal regarding a bullying claim (she was being bullied). She won and it has worked out well for her (compensation and a new job)although I believe the time off while the claim went through was very difficult.

It can be done. And possibly it might be the best thing TO do both for your position and for your confidence. She felt the affirmation that she wasn't incompetent was worth as much as the compo and the new position.

But I understand totally if you don't want to go through that ordeal.

I'm so so so sorry you are having to deal with this.

Massive hugs from Derbyshire.

Lesley xx