Friday, 20 July 2012

Weighing heavy

I KNEW knowledge wasn’t power (sorry Lesley). After a whole week in which all I’ve done is picked at fruit and plain yoghurt, had some bread and coffee and had just one meal (veg and noodle soup) I thought I’d approach Scales of Doom. After all, we’d not spent any time together for a month and it might feel insecure and needy – and therefore appeasing. Apparently not. I’ve put on 1lb.
Obviously I want to rail at the unfairness of it all but I’ll spare you that. Sadly my appetite seems to slowly be returning and I had my first proper meal last night, despite still feeling wretched and desperate about work. I’m not eating much but am starting to feel hungry. I’m actually pretty disappointed – screwy huh? I thought that at least if I got a decent weight loss out of all this misery, it would at least have achieved something positive. I was even wondering how long I could go without properly eating and how much I could lose. Not sane or sensible – I can see how you could really go astray here. If I’d had a good loss, maybe I would be trying to starve myself to achieve more. But with no loss I just feel even more fed up.

• 3lbs heavier than last year ( a year of solid, conscientious dieting),
• ¾ lb less than I started the year, post Christmas eating
• 1 stone 4lbs heavier than my lightest – about 3-4 years ago
• 4lbs heavier than my lightest this year so far
• So much over my target for the wedding that I dare not think about it but certainly at least a stone and a half heavier than my ‘surely I can lose this pitiful amount and this will make me feel a bit better’ weight
• 3lbs heavier than when I went wedding dress shopping

I’m never going to crack this, am I? If you looked on one side at the effort I’ve put in and the minutes, days, months and years that I’ve spent on this and on the other, at my ‘achievement’ it’s laughable. It’s laughable and lamentable and completely bloody inexplicable. I’m so tired and fed up and depressed by it that I don’t know where to turn or what to do. I commented on a post about weight loss for weddings the other day and I wrote, determinedly bright and positively, ‘but I can honestly say, hand on heart that I have done my best’. And then I found myself adding ‘but my best just isn’t good enough’. And it’s true.

1 comment:

Seren said...

Oh, Peridot. I'm so sorry things are so rubbish at the moment. But, as you said in your last post, there are silver linings that you have to hold on to and I am sure (from experience) that even if you are not the weight you want to be for your wedding it won't detract from your day.

Maybe it's not a case of your best not being good enough, just that you have to redefine what enough is. Sometimes, in this interminable weight battle, maintaining in the face of all sorts of horrible other things IS enough.

Thinking of you and sending virtual hugs.