Wednesday, 7 March 2012

A bit too much

On the plus size, I mean side, I was exceptionally well-behaved over the weekend; I was quite proud of myself. And I’m sure no-one saw the ferocity with which my jaw was clenched to stop myself joining in to a temptingly boozy and intense debate on Saturday night. I was the only one without a hangover on Sunday but I did feel dull and sort of prudish that I wasn’t joining in on Saturday night. I had 4 glasses of wine over 2 nights – more than I’d usually allow myself (usual weekly maximum is 1 ½, very occasionally 2 if it’s 2 nights). And it’s not that I don’t want to – it’s just a weight loss thing. I also had a very small pudding (raspberry pannacotta - delicious) that my hostess had made. But I resisted all other carbs - even quietly and unobtrusively spurning a casual shared starter on Friday night when I was really quite hungry. SoD said I hadn’t lost any additional weight before I went from my WI – and then on Monday that I hadn’t put any on. That seemed reasonable and I was hopeful that my effort Monday – Wednesday would bring me a small result.

So now we come to the minus side: getting on SoD today apparently I’ve put ON that 1lb and ¾ I lost last week. Bringing my grand total to a 2lbs loss in 9 weeks. Every week I get on SoD and I force myself to bounce back, to hope for better things next week, to put my faith and trust in things working - soon. But today I can’t. Maybe it’s because I’m tired and ill – or maybe it’s because there’s now 9 months to the wedding. Maybe it’s all of these things. But today I want to cry. I couldn’t be bothered to put any lipstick on (very rare), I couldn’t hold my head up and meet people’s eyes. Hell, I can’t even meet my own eyes in the mirror.

And I don’t want to get married. That’s not true: of course I want to be married to P. But I don’t want to be a bride – I can’t be, not like this. I can’t even look at myself in a mirror, let alone try on dresses in front of people, let alone fork out an obscene amount on something that’s only going to increase my level of self-loathing and let alone have photos which I will not want to look at or risk a downward spiral of unhappiness that I simply cannot see how I can ever get out of. And what’s worse is that I KNOW this should be a joyful time – I am ruining this experience for myself just by being so fat and so incapable of being anything other than fat. I wish I could escape this pressure – it’s pressure that I thought would achieve me finally losing weight. But although I can say, hand on heart, that I put the effort in, all I ever seem to achieve is staying the same.

I wonder about LighterLife. Yes, I had a wretched time on it, didn’t lose like anyone else did and hated every moment on it. As did P. And yes, my metabolic specialist professor has literally begged me not to do it again as he blames the larger part of the suppression of my metabolism on that – but at least I did lose weight on it... Can I bear it? I’m not sure I could. And if I didn’t lose weight on it, I would be distraught.


Linz M said...

Oh I really feel for you. It must be so frustrating putting in so much effort and getting so little back. Is there nothing that can be done about your metabolism?

Can you try some different exercise maybe? Something that really gets your heart rate up to try and kick start your metabolism (clearly I've no clue what I am on about)

You are so very hard on yourself, I can't imagine for one moment you are even half the size you think you are and there are hundreds of wedding dresses out there that flatter everyone.

I've considered Lighter Life myself, but I know I'd be utterly miserable. Good luck if you do decide to go down this route xx

Seren said...

As Linz said, I feel for you, and wish your SOD would give you results proportinate with your efforts.

There is no law that says that in order to be a worthy (I think that is a word you have used in the past) bride you have to be slender, although when faced with myriad wedding magazines it can certainly feel that way. I suppose, if I am totally honest, part of me wishes I had slimmed down in time for my wedding - I was a big bride. But none of my memories of the day are particularly tainted; I remember the moment we exchanged vows (D kept trying to make me laugh, so my voice shook as if I was crying), and signing the register, and processing out to The Proclaimers, and drinking champagne on the lawn and then later on D's toast and my Dad's speech when his voice broke a little bit too. None of those things would have been an iota difference if I had been a stone, two stone, five stone less. And my marriage is just as I wanted it to be - based on love and friendship and mutual support, and again, that would be no different.

Don't let the dress stuff get in the way of what is really important which is you and P and celebrating your relationship.


Lesley said...

Aaah Peri what a horrible, horrible kick in the teeth after a tough weekend. I just want to give you a big hug and make it all better!!

I know it's probably not a good time given that you feel so wretched about this at the moment but you know I can't let you get away with "not feeling able to look people in the eye"! Peri - that doesn't make any sense! You are NO worse now because you gained a little weight in a week. it is NOTHING to do with your worth as a person or a bride. I hate the thought y=of you feeling bad about yourself because of this accident of genetics and metabolism.

The other thought I had was about the looming wedding dress issue. Why not just get out there and have a look NOW at your current weight. It is not going to be as bad as you think and, if it is, at least you can adjust your plans and expectation now while there's time rather than heaping the pressure on yourself for later, nearer the wedding when it'll be a real disaster.

((((((((((Massive Hugs))))))))))))

Lesley xxx

Gabby said...

I'm sorry, it must feel wretched to work so hard for such little results!

I must concur with everyone else who has pointed out that you are too, too, hard on yourself. There are plenty of big brides out there who find dresses that suit them and enjoy their weddings and realise that their size is immaterial. Maybe you should work on your self-esteem more than your weight!