My name is Peridot and I am a chocoholic

Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. If a VLCD is the straight and narrow I have been happily wandering along the wide and meandering for too too long. Yes, I weighed myself. In about a month of increasingly off-piste eating I have put on a1st4lbs. That's phenomenal - and cruelly true that I can't lose it that fast. I am shocked but when I think about the amount of chocolate I have scoffed it seems less incredible. I have a current obsession with Starbucks Rocky Roads which is way out of all sanity and moderation. Moderation. There's a word. I know what it means in theory but its wisdom is not exactly carved on my soul. I don't seem to do moderation at all and it really bothers me. For instance, yesterday, knowing that in true dieting tradition Monday would be D day, I ate (just the chocolately bit you understand) 2 x large Waitrose belgian chocolate eclairs, a Starbucks Rocky Road, a tube of Rolos and half a bar of Green and Black's Butterscotch chocolate (no, I didn't leave the other half, the b/f ate it!). That is clearly obscene and is in part due to a panic about going back on the diet and not having anything nice to eat ever again. Spot the hysterical exaggeration there.

My prospective CDC never came back to me, despite me almost stalking her (well, I emailed her 3 times) but I have found a new one - new to me and new to the role - who operates in an office 15 mins walk (as the fat person waddles) from my office. She's very keen, I'm like a Labrador digging all 4 legs in in an attempt to evade a bath. But although I hate the mechanics of the diet and the social deprivation it causes me, I hate feeling fat too. Obviously there's gradations of fat - I am not and have never been 10 Tonne Mom as the dear media have christened her - and even at my lowest (so far) weight I'd probably still have been described (at a size 16 teetering on a size 14) as fat, but I had lost 4st and that was unequivocally good. Now my total loss is less than 3st - back to before the end of LL in early October. One of my 2 best friends had taken me to a personal shopper in early December and bought me a very slinky wraparound dress for Christmas and I bought a 2nd dress and trousers (none worn by me for 14 years) and I did feel good. Now I feel too fat to wear them - who am I kidding, I AM too fat to wear them. So it's back to SS for me (I KNOW it stands for sole source but it can't be any coincidence that it's also the acronym for a cruel brand of Nazi police too!). I love chocolate - far too much - but I don't love its effect on me.

In fact I am a bit worried about my obsession with chocolate - it's not healthy any way you look at it. I am making an assumption that I have some kind of chemical reaction to it (as well as a psychological one) which is why I go so embarrassingly and ridiculously over the top with it. But I don't want to give it up (post CD) permanently - I'd like to be able to enjoy it in moderation (it's that m word again) like a normal, slim person. I just don't know if that's ever going to be possible for me. I do think I've been obsessed with gulping down every chocolatey thing that flickers across my consiousness before I go back to CD (and alot of it has been rather disappointing when I eat it to be honest, the thought was more enticing (and calorie free diet pals) although there are still some things I'll seriously mourn the loss of). When CD is just a memory there won't be some timescale I'm operating against - I can eek out the treats in theory. But I'm not confident that I won't become a sugar fiend again even if I'm exemplary on the old diet up until then.

So tomorrow (not always a day away, Annie, but galloping towards me scarily fast) I am back on packs. I'm not looking forward to it but as a process to get me slimmer - well, that's a teeny bit more carrot than stick. I'll reassess at Easter where I am but I really have to do this again. I think on my side will be the fear of the damage I've done over a month this Christmas and my new CDC who's keen as mustard and who will be able to weigh me every week (at least at first) to get me back on track. I'll be back in that dress for Valentines Evening (when I'm anticipating eating - frugally and I think I had better avoid the addictive brown stuff). Wish me luck - but even more, wish me willpower and resistance to the seductive siren call of chocolate.