See boundary, will push

I have learnt something about myself - not sure quite what to do with it, mind.

When I was mostly off the diet in December, I intended to eat as closely as possible to CD but allow a few treats - what actually happened was that I ate my (former) body weight in chocolate. Now I'm back on the diet, I want to have something little to supplement horrid old packs. And I have, I had a slivver of cheese and a dozen peanuts yesterday and some cold sliced chicken today. I don't think these little things will hurt the diet overall and through colossal willpower I refused a Jaffa Cake and didn't buy an apple or fruit pack in M&S when I bought the chicken (minor victories - in fact I said yes to the Jaffa Cake and managed to stop myself in time and say no).

So what I've discovered is that wherever my boundaries are, I push them slightly. I don't go into full-blown rebellion mode like my LL/CD buddy, naughty R, but I can't seem to help but sneak a little lassitude in. Why? And how can I overcome this?

I do feel bad about the peanuts - and even the slivver of cheese. The peanuts I was offered last night in the office and I was SOOO hungry. They did temporarily stop the hunger too and so I justified it to myself that way. But the cheese was about feeling sorry for myself to be honest. And the chicken I ate at lunchtime today - again as I'm so very very hungry. I don't think it will hurt the diet (or stop me getting into ketosis) but I do feel as if I'm cheating - I AM cheating.

I didn't dare have anything sweet, not even an apple as I think that would tip me over the edge but I feel as if I'm grimly holding on by my fingertips. I know it will get easier but I can't feel it at the moment and I feel pretty miserable. I bought myself a tea-ball (to put tealeaves in) for work so I can buy green tea from Crussh (without the water in so I just buy a paper cup with leaves in) and have it at work - tragic. This isn't really a treat but it's the best I could come up with.

And as an incentive (definitely stick rather than carrot), my clothes are definitely too tight. I put on a skirt I've not worn since a couple of weeks before Christmas and it's too tight. I have to lose this weight to fit back into my clothes properly - and then go beyond that and lose more. I want to be slim (or slimmer); I was at the cusp of fitting into a 14 before December and now 16 is too tight. I can't imagine being slimmer than a 14, I was at the upper range of a 12 at school and I was slim and - I think- about 9st8lbs; I'm only aiming to be 9st13lbs at least (to psychologically get under 10st).

I think I'm just in a miserable kind of low-grade rebellion at my lot. What is a low grade rebellion? A quiet sulky hissy fit?! I don't want to diet, I especially don't want nasty packs (stamps foot) - but I DO want to be slimmer. I need to look at the big picture whilst at the moment I'm stuck in the here and now and can't see the wood for the trees.