Wednesday, 9 January 2008

See boundary, will push

I have learnt something about myself - not sure quite what to do with it, mind.

When I was mostly off the diet in December, I intended to eat as closely as possible to CD but allow a few treats - what actually happened was that I ate my (former) body weight in chocolate. Now I'm back on the diet, I want to have something little to supplement horrid old packs. And I have, I had a slivver of cheese and a dozen peanuts yesterday and some cold sliced chicken today. I don't think these little things will hurt the diet overall and through colossal willpower I refused a Jaffa Cake and didn't buy an apple or fruit pack in M&S when I bought the chicken (minor victories - in fact I said yes to the Jaffa Cake and managed to stop myself in time and say no).

So what I've discovered is that wherever my boundaries are, I push them slightly. I don't go into full-blown rebellion mode like my LL/CD buddy, naughty R, but I can't seem to help but sneak a little lassitude in. Why? And how can I overcome this?

I do feel bad about the peanuts - and even the slivver of cheese. The peanuts I was offered last night in the office and I was SOOO hungry. They did temporarily stop the hunger too and so I justified it to myself that way. But the cheese was about feeling sorry for myself to be honest. And the chicken I ate at lunchtime today - again as I'm so very very hungry. I don't think it will hurt the diet (or stop me getting into ketosis) but I do feel as if I'm cheating - I AM cheating.

I didn't dare have anything sweet, not even an apple as I think that would tip me over the edge but I feel as if I'm grimly holding on by my fingertips. I know it will get easier but I can't feel it at the moment and I feel pretty miserable. I bought myself a tea-ball (to put tealeaves in) for work so I can buy green tea from Crussh (without the water in so I just buy a paper cup with leaves in) and have it at work - tragic. This isn't really a treat but it's the best I could come up with.

And as an incentive (definitely stick rather than carrot), my clothes are definitely too tight. I put on a skirt I've not worn since a couple of weeks before Christmas and it's too tight. I have to lose this weight to fit back into my clothes properly - and then go beyond that and lose more. I want to be slim (or slimmer); I was at the cusp of fitting into a 14 before December and now 16 is too tight. I can't imagine being slimmer than a 14, I was at the upper range of a 12 at school and I was slim and - I think- about 9st8lbs; I'm only aiming to be 9st13lbs at least (to psychologically get under 10st).

I think I'm just in a miserable kind of low-grade rebellion at my lot. What is a low grade rebellion? A quiet sulky hissy fit?! I don't want to diet, I especially don't want nasty packs (stamps foot) - but I DO want to be slimmer. I need to look at the big picture whilst at the moment I'm stuck in the here and now and can't see the wood for the trees.


Mrs said...

Hello hello

I am going to think about this because it's a big issue for so many of us! You are NOT alone!

And yes, I am distracted today!

Big kiss.

Mrs Lxxxxxxx

Lesley said...

Hi there - this post really helped me get back into the diet mindset this morning. Cheers. Reminded me that, a) I'm not alone with the sheer irritating boredom of it but b) if I want to be slimmer, I have to knuckle down and get on with it.

So, thanks and good luck with the grind. We can do it.

Lesley x