Once upon a time.....

A long time ago, there was a little girl who, every year was given the role of narrator in her school play. Wistfully she watched all the other children getting dressed up in fun costumes (narrators wore a boring frock) and interacting, speaking their lines, but she stayed on the outside (or on the far right corner of the stage) feeling separate and uninvolved. And that girl was me! Like you hadn't guessed.....

Anyway, I think this might have been quite an influential theme for me. I often do feel as if things happen to everyone else whilst I just get to watch. This mini revelation came to light when a friend of ours confided to me at the end of last week that he was planning to propose to his girlfriend. I was and am very excited and thrilled for him but there was a little shard of ice in my heart that it wasn't me (again). No, I don't want to marry N, but I've been with b/f for 13 years and am now in my late 30s (37) and although I know in my heart that he doesn't want to marry me there is still a little flicker of hope that I can't quite extinguish. Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted to get married - or more likely, have a wedding - even before I met anyone I actually wanted to marry. But I think this is another thing that I get to watch happen to other people.

And I can't help wondering what is wrong with me that b/f doesn't want to marry me. I think that I am too girl-next-door; I don't make him insecure about my feelings for him, he knows I am loving and loyal. He says he fully intends to spend the rest of his life with me and he's been married before and that didn't work out (obviously). But I feel as if, subconsiously or not, he's got an eye over my shoulder for something better. Because people who are really in love get married, right? Okay, after the first flush of romance it's probably to 'secure' the object of their affection and b/f is secure without the ring and party. He said in the past that no-one else would have me (in a bitter row I hasten to add), he said he wouldn't marry me overweight. But here I am, 4st down and I have to accept that being thinner does not automatically bring the fulfilment of every dream.