A list is a noble thing

I love lists. Yes, I'm a Virgo but that's by the by. Clearly. When I started LL I wrote a list of what I hoped to achieve on the diet and thought it would be good to put it on here:

1) To be able to buy clothes from Hobbs, LK Bennett, Coast, Kew etc
2) Not to always be 'the fat one'
3) Not to dread weddings, black tie functions etc
4) To wear high heels comfortably and not look like a hot air balloon balanced on a very small basket
5) To enjoy holidays more
6) Not to feel like I've wasted my life - or have missed out
7) To wear a dress
8) To achieve something
9) Not to flinch when there's an obesity headline in the newspaper
10) To feel less self conscious
11) If someone offers me a seat on the tube, not to worry that they think I'm pregnant
12) One word - chafing
13) To be able to wear trousers to work, especially in winter
14) And jeans (not to work)
15) And belts (without looking like a pillow with a cord around it)
16) And maybe even shorts (strictly on holiday only)
17) Not to have to do the shameful and sly sarong-pool-towel-sarong dash on holiday
18) Not to feel so frumpy at work. Or out of it!

Well, I don't look at these and think I'm a different person - I still want alot of them and they're still away off. I have worn the dress and trousers and jeans but currently feel I'm too fat for them - so they still stand as goals. Some are possibly too ambitious - is there a woman in the world (apart from models) who feel comfortable in swimwear? My positively willowy friend R says she finds it a nightmare (she's a leggy size 10 - but I still love her!!). And I'm not sure that losing any amount of weight will dispel occasional thoughts of wasted opportunities or dissatisfaction with my lot.

So this is Day One (again). It's odd. I was on duty last night (hence not starting the diet yesterday as I knew I'd have a very long day and would feel the lack of calories all the more) so was asleep until lunchtime (bonus is that today I have half a day and should therefore have less time to be hungry!). In a semi conscious state, my mind kept coming up with things I could eat and wondering what I could eat - before my consciousness kicked in and reminded me that the answer was nothing! This is so clear but my mind still keeps trying to find ways round it (there are none! I know this!).

B/f helpfully slapped me on the bum last night and said I could do with losing half a stone there. Yes, and several stone all over but I was still pretty irked (I told him that I was going to put this on my blog and that people would be outraged!)! After I weighed myself yesterday, he was popping to the shops for a paper and asked if I wanted any chocolate, I said no as I'd just seen the damage I'd done myself. He came back with a toblerone for me. Of course I ate it, even though I was very full - because today I can't, right? Skewed thinking from both of us I think (he didn't buy himself any chocolate and is on a diet himself!). And I felt quite ill yesterday evening - my vision went all odd and distorted. I get migraines but without the aura - yesterday I seemed to get the aura but not the full blown horrendous headache. I took a super-strong prescription migraine drug and it went. But not before I'd felt the need to self-medicate with half a bag of Kettle's Chips. There's a definite 'feel bad, have food' switch in my stupid brain. Then I wasn't really hungry for dinner so only had a bit and then wasn't hungry for my toblerone but ate it anyway. Sigh.

I worry about the end of the diet (basically pointless since it's some way off but I never like to put off a good (or bad) reason to have a good worry!). My mother tells me I'm an all or nothing girl but I don't want to be either on abstinence or eating like a force fed foie gras goose. It's that M word again - how do I find it? Where do I find it?