Pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again. Again.

This is starting to get seriously depressing. There is only so much bouncing back I can do, despite my cushion of blubber.

I had hoped that last week’s pathetic loss was maybe down to the fact that I was about to have my period. I was a bit worried about using my syns over the weekend, but, well, that’s what they’re for, right? And I weighed myself on Monday and was exactly the same so I was hoping for some magic alchemy to happen before my WI this morning – and as SWise One says, the in-between WIs simply don’t count.

Which is a shame as that alchemy has happened in a way. Reverse alchemy, that is. I have managed to put ON 2lbs in 2 days and since my last official WI. This brings my total loss on SW to 2lbs in 16 weeks. If you are capable of working out my average loss, perhaps don’t tell me. I seem to be single-handedly forging new discoveries into miniscule numbers (sort of sub-atom equivalents).

So, what to do? I can’t go on like this clearly and not least because I’m just feeling a bit punch-drunk. Do I go back to WW? Well, I wasn’t doing too well on that either (a bit better I think with the rosy tint of looking back, but not well) and the thought of cutting carbs out again entirely is not appealing – I do like being able to have fat free risotto and pasta. LighterLife? Well, my metabolic expert literally begged me not to do this, I’m not sure bf would be any too impressed and I want to throw up at the mere sight of a milkshake so it doesn’t sound like a great idea (but not one I’m abandoning just yet – at least I lost 1-2lbs a week on it).

What I can’t do is give up dieting entirely, no matter how much that seems like the easiest option. And the most appealing at least in the short term. So I’ve only lost 2lbs in 4 months, but had I been eating what I want, I am sure I would have put on at least a couple of stone in this period. This really is scraping the bottom of the barrel for positives though. I saw all the ads for fat brides in my wedding mag today on my way in and I wanted to cry. Right there on the tube – in public (and as a good English girl I abhor all displays of emotion in public and especially on grimy public transport). I am sitting at my desk in the midst of the usual unpleasantness and despair of this office and it all seems too much to deal with. I badly want to cry right now but it never looks great at work and I do not have waterproof mascara so I’m trying to get a grip. I’m on my own and on call tonight so there will be plenty of time for wallowing in self-pity and self-flagellation then without inflicting it on others.

Aside from the wallowing, my plan is to write down everything I eat next week (done this before admittedly), to drink more water or equivalent (my expert friend reckons that could be a problem – some days I only have 2 0r 3 mugs of green tea in total) and to cut down my syns. My expert friend (she lost c4st and has successfully kept it off for 5 years- yes, a moment’s silence in respect please) lost her weight on a syn-free version of SW. I’m not sure I can go syn-free without killing someone but I guess I can’t have as many as an average person so maybe I'll have to keep cutting down until I find a point where I can lose weight.

I should have an easy week in keeping the syns down as I’m working a 24 hour shift from Saturday morning and so bf is going down to Suffolk and I am home alone. So no companionable glass of wine will be required, no scaled down version of ‘normal’ food, no ingenious ways of keeping to the SW rules whilst eating with bf at weekends (we abandon all attempts during the week). I can eat very frugally (and possibly carb-light in any case I suppose) and see what impact that has. I did have bread a few times over the weekend (as a HEB) – with a smear of butter - so that had better go for starters. I feel pretty sore about my self-control around booze and pudding though – I stuck to one glass of each, and whilst the others had 2 meringues with cream and fruit, I had one with fat-free yoghurt (and fruit) and I GAVE MY CHOCOLATE TO BF. I do feel that this sort of thing really ought to show up on SoD!

I’m also considering going to a SW class – I finish choir after next week so will have a bit more time to give up another evening. I could try it out for a couple of months and see if the long trek makes a difference. Logically I can’t see how it could but desperate times call for desperate measure I hear.