There ought to be a road symbol for that. Perhaps a triangle with an angry face in the middle and steam coming out of the ears!
The email war continues, my brother sent my mum another stinker last night saying that unless she apologises (what for, we ask) that he will tell his daughters that their grandmother doesn't care about them. Pretty low.
Then my mum found an email from the chav-in-law. She thinks she's clever but oh dear, far from it. In it she put that she had had to ban me from her life as I'm "bitter and jealous". I have to say I'm having a red-headed fit about this. Jealous? Of what?
Her long plastic square nails?
Her tranny-slapper clothes?
Her nose job?
Her perma-orange skin?
Her fake tits (as paid for by brother 2 despite him saying no)?
Her stupidity?
Her inability to string a sentence together without a grammatical error, spelling mistake or malapropism ("you don't have to be physic to know...")?
Her sweet disposition that leads her to throw an utterly fishwife temper tantrum if anyone ever says 'no' to her?
The way she treats my mother as a nanny/au pair? Ignoring her utterly unless there's someone else to see her and expecting her to fetch, carry and dedicate her life to making the CIL's life easy and as responsibility-free as a single girl?
Her fine moral code that led to her shagging my brother when he was married (to a lovely woman)?
Her getting herself knocked up accidentally-on-purpose to trap him?
Her threatening to take his daughters away and never let him see them if he didn't marry her?
Her harsh treatment and jealousy of her 4 year old daughter?
Or perhaps the level of style that led to her coming down the aisle to a Ministry of Sound "chill-out classic"?
I so want to email her and tell her - and brother 2 - this but my mother has made me promise not to. It absolutely enrages me that they can think for an instant that there is anything about that trashy thicko that I would want for a single instant.
Grrrrr.
Tuesday, 9 February 2010
Monday, 8 February 2010
Sugar lips
I am being sorely tested. On many levels - but it all comes down to food. Or sugar, to be precise. My brother’s shocking insults (thanks for the support, btw, it’s really appreciated) make me want to eat to console myself with a great deal of chocolate, cakes, cookies, sweets.... Badly. I have just bought a Bens Cookie each for me and my mum tonight (I am going over there) and now I have to resist it all afternoon. I actually ate a M&S cube cake and didn’t enjoy it and it didn’t make me feel any better- this makes me want to try another thing, and another, and another until I hit on the thing that makes me feel better. Intellectually I know that food can’t do this but it’s a hard sell (to myself).
And I have a series of lovely – but foodie – events coming up. Saturday we are meeting bf’s parents for brunch – I’ve checked the menu and the only thing I want is pancakes and bacon (I don’t like the English fry up breakfasts). And actually I’m not bothered by the bacon, which always seem weird to me with pancakes – I have to eat them separately one at a time – I just want the pancakes. Then Sunday is Valentine’s Day – we’ll probably just get some nice fish to cook at home but I foresee some calorie challenges just the same (booze, pudding). Tuesday is Pancake Day (I like mine with a little sugar and a LOT of lemon so could be worse) and Wednesday we’re going to a cheese and wine tasting. The challenge is to maintain discipline around these events and not to treat it as a week’s (or more) holiday from the diet and eat everything in sight. Or to start that now. Depressingly, it only takes a small slip like this and I will put back on all that weight – possibly more. So I have to grit my teeth, enjoy the foodie diversions but not be diverted from the diet more than is necessary. It’s a lesson I need to learn – life will occasionally get in the way of dieting. I’m going to need all the help I can get.
I’m still feeling very sad (and, weirdly, ashamed) regarding Brothergate. I cannot imagine that I will ever want anything to do with him ever again and I have such a small family anyway. It’s more the loss of his eldest daughter (who’s 4). Her sister (2) is, I’m afraid, less of a loss since the chav blood ran very strongly in her – her most frequently utterance was the whine “But I WANT it”. But I will miss the elder niece. The Chav-in-law was always pretty mean to her – she seems to see her as competition for attention – and she is SO like my mum it’s uncanny and rather sensitive. I always felt she might need some special attention - and a bolthole when she’s older. I had hoped to be able to help her. I hope there’s someone else to do this for her since I won’t be able to. Brother 2 has made it clear he doesn’t want anything to do with me anyway – he told my mother that he ripped up the card I sent him for his birthday like he was terribly proud of himself. Did I mention that he’s 36?
Three things to feel grateful for from yesterday:
1. You guys! You’re the best.
2. Lovely trip to see snowdrops and winter gardens
3. Bf changed all the bedding, unsolicited! AND put the right pillowcases on too!
And I have a series of lovely – but foodie – events coming up. Saturday we are meeting bf’s parents for brunch – I’ve checked the menu and the only thing I want is pancakes and bacon (I don’t like the English fry up breakfasts). And actually I’m not bothered by the bacon, which always seem weird to me with pancakes – I have to eat them separately one at a time – I just want the pancakes. Then Sunday is Valentine’s Day – we’ll probably just get some nice fish to cook at home but I foresee some calorie challenges just the same (booze, pudding). Tuesday is Pancake Day (I like mine with a little sugar and a LOT of lemon so could be worse) and Wednesday we’re going to a cheese and wine tasting. The challenge is to maintain discipline around these events and not to treat it as a week’s (or more) holiday from the diet and eat everything in sight. Or to start that now. Depressingly, it only takes a small slip like this and I will put back on all that weight – possibly more. So I have to grit my teeth, enjoy the foodie diversions but not be diverted from the diet more than is necessary. It’s a lesson I need to learn – life will occasionally get in the way of dieting. I’m going to need all the help I can get.
I’m still feeling very sad (and, weirdly, ashamed) regarding Brothergate. I cannot imagine that I will ever want anything to do with him ever again and I have such a small family anyway. It’s more the loss of his eldest daughter (who’s 4). Her sister (2) is, I’m afraid, less of a loss since the chav blood ran very strongly in her – her most frequently utterance was the whine “But I WANT it”. But I will miss the elder niece. The Chav-in-law was always pretty mean to her – she seems to see her as competition for attention – and she is SO like my mum it’s uncanny and rather sensitive. I always felt she might need some special attention - and a bolthole when she’s older. I had hoped to be able to help her. I hope there’s someone else to do this for her since I won’t be able to. Brother 2 has made it clear he doesn’t want anything to do with me anyway – he told my mother that he ripped up the card I sent him for his birthday like he was terribly proud of himself. Did I mention that he’s 36?
Three things to feel grateful for from yesterday:
1. You guys! You’re the best.
2. Lovely trip to see snowdrops and winter gardens
3. Bf changed all the bedding, unsolicited! AND put the right pillowcases on too!
Sunday, 7 February 2010
Sticks and stones
How would you describe me in a word? Or two? I know you don't know me in the 'real world', most of you, so maybe that's why I believe that your description wouldn't be "that fat bitch". But that is what my brother called me on the vitriolic emails he sent my mother. She showed them to me yesterday and I was taken aback at the level of spite and nastiness directed at me - I had not been involved in events and whilst I knew (and was upset by) how nasty he'd been to my mother, had not realised that I had been blamed for unduly influencing her to behave in such a way (he thought she'd criticised the Chav-in-law (aka the Parasite)). She had simply explained about a pattern of behaviour that had made her feel hurt, sidelined and not respected. She tells me she was very careful not to use emotive language or to criticise the CIL. Apparently he listened to this but then sent two scorching emails of abuse and bile in which I featured heavily.
Isn't it funny how something so childish, from someone who is behaving like a toddler in a temper tantrum can still hurt so much and for so long? I can't currently see how I can ever forgive him for this. And I know that the language and his very stance was heavily influenced by my fishwife of a CIL but the fact remains that he pressed send. From his work email address where he is a Vice President. Bf is in favour of contacting them about this abuse of the email system but since the emails were to my mother, this is not my decision.
It made me feel small (ironically perhaps) and sad and diminished - that that phrase summed me up. That that's how he - and possibly the world - sees me, despite the effort I put into being a different person. And he'd cc'd Brother 1 in so he's seen that's how Brother 2 sees me. And my mum sent them to my aunt for an opinion. It all makes me cringe with shame.
I don't feel inclined to finish this post with my three things to feel grateful for but perhaps it's more important than ever that I do try and find some positives, so:
1. Pleasant walk with my mother and the labs around Leeds Castle
2. Bf unequivocally on my side - thought I might face accusations of being too thin-skinned (which I am) but no, he said "anyone would be upset by those" - I sneakily sent him the emails.
3. Enormous display of love from bruiser chocolate lab - slightly painful but v endearing.
Isn't it funny how something so childish, from someone who is behaving like a toddler in a temper tantrum can still hurt so much and for so long? I can't currently see how I can ever forgive him for this. And I know that the language and his very stance was heavily influenced by my fishwife of a CIL but the fact remains that he pressed send. From his work email address where he is a Vice President. Bf is in favour of contacting them about this abuse of the email system but since the emails were to my mother, this is not my decision.
It made me feel small (ironically perhaps) and sad and diminished - that that phrase summed me up. That that's how he - and possibly the world - sees me, despite the effort I put into being a different person. And he'd cc'd Brother 1 in so he's seen that's how Brother 2 sees me. And my mum sent them to my aunt for an opinion. It all makes me cringe with shame.
I don't feel inclined to finish this post with my three things to feel grateful for but perhaps it's more important than ever that I do try and find some positives, so:
1. Pleasant walk with my mother and the labs around Leeds Castle
2. Bf unequivocally on my side - thought I might face accusations of being too thin-skinned (which I am) but no, he said "anyone would be upset by those" - I sneakily sent him the emails.
3. Enormous display of love from bruiser chocolate lab - slightly painful but v endearing.
Friday, 5 February 2010
The Cookie Monster
I am so hungry these days. The only thing I can come up with is the fact that my period is due to start today (it's getting very erratic so I'm not sure when exactly). It means going back to those days of watching the clock for the next time I can eat: it's not a fun way to live and makes resisting temptation all the more agonising. Still, needs must - and hopefully it won't last much longer.
But my preparation paid off on at least one occasion - we had a team meeting with lunch provided. They were only horrid sarnies but I knew that being captive amongst so much food would be tough. The previous night I was out, but got home at 9.40pm and then made cauliflower cheese soup (heavy on the veg, light on the (light) cheese). It made me late to bed but it was worth it. I erupted from the meeting room at 2pm and heated my soup straight up. No manky sandwich passed my lips...
Lest I sound too virtuous, I am going to my mum's on Monday and intend to take her one of the wonderful Ben's Cookies (and one for me too, of course). I'll have to be very careful for the rest of the week but I kind of feel I earnt it. Beth and I were out at GBK last night after dancing and they burnt our burgers - they only brought us chips for free as an apology! And after my careful ordering of a no-bun burger with the lowest cal cheese on the menu! Reader, I ate three. I thought that was impressive. Beth ate none - that sort of discipline is why she's so slender I guess. I didn't even feel too bad that I was not as virtuous as her, I felt it was a private triumph and gave myself a mental pat on the back.
My mum has certainly earnt a treat (and I know, food shouldn't be an emotional response but I've got a long way to go there). She's been treated incredibly badly by my shallow, venal, arrogant and self-centred brothers this week. Without going into the whole sorry tale, brother 2 gave her a blast of incredible vitriol, spite and anger as he thought she'd criticised the Chav-in-law. I detect the malicious hand of the CIL here but my brother still wrote all the spiteful things in the email that reduced her to tears. And Brother 1 stuck up for him. If I had the money, I'd send a private detective off to watch CIL on her annual week's clubbing in Ibiza this summer (you really can't buy her class - although she tries, but it's spend on knee high tranny boots, micro minis and teeny tops to show off her newly purchased boobs) and catch her shagging around to force my brother to dump her. I have to say that I have been very upset by his spite - because I've witnessed my mother's distress principally. Sadly, I have some very dodgy genes in my make-up, not just those that seem determined to keep me as a fattie either.
On biscuits vs cookies (for Debbie): I am sure there's an actual definition somewhere. The word 'cookie' came here from the US I think but for me a biscuit is crisp and a cookie is squidgy. I go for squidgy everytime - which may explain why I AM squidgy!
Three things to feel grateful for yesterday:
1. Three compliments at our dance class about how good I was ("a natural"). Even after I had practically knocked someone over like a skittle by going the wrong way in one. It's freaky, it's geeky but I do enjoy it! We even had a fractionally energetic dance last - 'sprigs of laurel'.
2. Beth - she listened to me rant about my brothers for ages and made me feel much better.
3. Having a value system so alien to that of my brothers.
Planning a chilly trip to admire snowdrops on Sunday. I am a wild, wild girl.... Whatever hedonistic extravagences you're up to, have a good weekend.
PS Curlygurl - your comment made me laugh out loud, great gag!
But my preparation paid off on at least one occasion - we had a team meeting with lunch provided. They were only horrid sarnies but I knew that being captive amongst so much food would be tough. The previous night I was out, but got home at 9.40pm and then made cauliflower cheese soup (heavy on the veg, light on the (light) cheese). It made me late to bed but it was worth it. I erupted from the meeting room at 2pm and heated my soup straight up. No manky sandwich passed my lips...
Lest I sound too virtuous, I am going to my mum's on Monday and intend to take her one of the wonderful Ben's Cookies (and one for me too, of course). I'll have to be very careful for the rest of the week but I kind of feel I earnt it. Beth and I were out at GBK last night after dancing and they burnt our burgers - they only brought us chips for free as an apology! And after my careful ordering of a no-bun burger with the lowest cal cheese on the menu! Reader, I ate three. I thought that was impressive. Beth ate none - that sort of discipline is why she's so slender I guess. I didn't even feel too bad that I was not as virtuous as her, I felt it was a private triumph and gave myself a mental pat on the back.
My mum has certainly earnt a treat (and I know, food shouldn't be an emotional response but I've got a long way to go there). She's been treated incredibly badly by my shallow, venal, arrogant and self-centred brothers this week. Without going into the whole sorry tale, brother 2 gave her a blast of incredible vitriol, spite and anger as he thought she'd criticised the Chav-in-law. I detect the malicious hand of the CIL here but my brother still wrote all the spiteful things in the email that reduced her to tears. And Brother 1 stuck up for him. If I had the money, I'd send a private detective off to watch CIL on her annual week's clubbing in Ibiza this summer (you really can't buy her class - although she tries, but it's spend on knee high tranny boots, micro minis and teeny tops to show off her newly purchased boobs) and catch her shagging around to force my brother to dump her. I have to say that I have been very upset by his spite - because I've witnessed my mother's distress principally. Sadly, I have some very dodgy genes in my make-up, not just those that seem determined to keep me as a fattie either.
On biscuits vs cookies (for Debbie): I am sure there's an actual definition somewhere. The word 'cookie' came here from the US I think but for me a biscuit is crisp and a cookie is squidgy. I go for squidgy everytime - which may explain why I AM squidgy!
Three things to feel grateful for yesterday:
1. Three compliments at our dance class about how good I was ("a natural"). Even after I had practically knocked someone over like a skittle by going the wrong way in one. It's freaky, it's geeky but I do enjoy it! We even had a fractionally energetic dance last - 'sprigs of laurel'.
2. Beth - she listened to me rant about my brothers for ages and made me feel much better.
3. Having a value system so alien to that of my brothers.
Planning a chilly trip to admire snowdrops on Sunday. I am a wild, wild girl.... Whatever hedonistic extravagences you're up to, have a good weekend.
PS Curlygurl - your comment made me laugh out loud, great gag!
Wednesday, 3 February 2010
No cucumbers, not even for ready money*
I think I may have cracked the protein with fruit thing – I can swop my usual yoghurt snack for a small portion of hummous and crudités in the day and then have yoghurt with my pear/plum/whatever in the evening. As it turns out, I’ve been a yoghurt glutton. I’m supposed to have 4oz a day but I’ve been having a Muller Light which is 190g (I’m a shocking 77g over!). So it’s half a Muller Light for me from now on. And I can have strips of pepper, celery and cucumber (I’m still a bit anxious about carrots although I think I’m allowed it on SB2). Except! The M&S near me at work has run out of cucumbers! It’s very odd – a run on cucumbers? Although.... a colleague told me a story about her nursing days which involved an MP, a nasty ‘accident’ and a frozen cucumber. I’m not based too far from Westminster so it could be.... Or perhaps that MP was telling the truth and all cucumbers have had to be impounded due to their aggressive and invasive activities.... Okay, now I’m put off dipping cucumber in my hummous in any case!
More good news – my coat fits me again. Okay, it only fits if I wear it over a thin sweater which since it’s a thin coat means I shiver quite a bit – but that burns calories in any case, right?! I think it wouldn’t do up over a chunky jumper without me doing a Benjamin Bunny and shooting off buttons like missiles. It may be endearing on a rabbit but I think I can say pretty confidently that it’s not so on a 39 year old dumpy woman.
Debbie – I hope your omelette turned out better than mine which bore a striking resemblance to scrambled egg. With cheese and mushrooms. Gah. It doesn’t TASTE as nice if it looks like that.
Things to be grateful for from yesterday:
1. Scales of Doom let me off the hook
2. Curlygurl got in touch
3. Our kitchen tap no longer drips – hurrah for the plumber! (And no, it wasn’t a washer, the whole tap had to be replaced. The silence is almost eerie...)
* Credit to Mr O Wilde (Importance of Being Earnest). I don't think he shared the same interest in cucumbers as the MP.
More good news – my coat fits me again. Okay, it only fits if I wear it over a thin sweater which since it’s a thin coat means I shiver quite a bit – but that burns calories in any case, right?! I think it wouldn’t do up over a chunky jumper without me doing a Benjamin Bunny and shooting off buttons like missiles. It may be endearing on a rabbit but I think I can say pretty confidently that it’s not so on a 39 year old dumpy woman.
Debbie – I hope your omelette turned out better than mine which bore a striking resemblance to scrambled egg. With cheese and mushrooms. Gah. It doesn’t TASTE as nice if it looks like that.
Things to be grateful for from yesterday:
1. Scales of Doom let me off the hook
2. Curlygurl got in touch
3. Our kitchen tap no longer drips – hurrah for the plumber! (And no, it wasn’t a washer, the whole tap had to be replaced. The silence is almost eerie...)
* Credit to Mr O Wilde (Importance of Being Earnest). I don't think he shared the same interest in cucumbers as the MP.
Tuesday, 2 February 2010
I'm a freeeeeak, I'm a weeeeeirdooooo
Okay, I do not understand the freakeries of my freaky body. I did my WI today and I have lost 4lbs. Admittedly I was telling myself that I wanted to lose 5lbs this time (2lbs for last week, 2lbs for this week and the removal of the random 1lb I put on) but actually I'm pleased to see a definite fall on the Scales of Doom and I'll take any good news and celebrate it. Not with food, mind you. It does give me a spur onwards to keep going and keep doing the right thing. Cookies aside. And actually even then; I will have times where I eat something outrageously calorific and the trick (for me) is not to let that be the beginning of the end but just to get on with the 'right' eating as before. This has helped me with that I think. And it confirms that the porridge and fruit aren't an issue (I think... I guess I shouldn't draw too swift a conclusion). And hopefully it will help with the feelings of doom and despair next time my body throws a googlie at me (figuratively speaking - I believe this is a cricket term and I'm pretty confident that if anyone actually threw a hard ball at me, I would miss it and get socked in the face (or somewhere) with it).
Today will be a tricky day with food. I am home whilst a plumber does some work here and bf is on his way home to take the second shift. The kitchen is out of bounds so I won't be able to pack my usual careful snacks and lunch to take. This was short-sighted of me; plumber was late and I was plannig on leaving here after he'd gone but things have now changed. It's another challenge - not being railroaded by the unpredictable. I can buy a yoghurt and a salad on my way in. I think I might need something else but I'm not sure what.
I also need to start drinking more water though. On LL I used to drink an average of 5 litres a day. Now I usually drink 1-2 glasses. And 3-4 cups green tea. I don't fancy it when the weather is cold.
I can't actually come up with three things to be grateful for yesterday - I know it's awful. I didn't eat well, my commute was awful, work was exasperating (or rather, some of my colleagues were). Not good. Must do better.
Curlygirl - hello! I don't have your email any more and mine's changed too so I'll leave you a comment on your blog and do get in touch. SO nice to hear from you - would love to hear more about how you're doing. Curlygirl (and she IS gloriously curly) did LL with me all that time ago.
And thanks both for the porridge tips. I'm not keen on raisins, Debbie - or any dried fruit except dates. And they make chocolate look low-cal. I have to say I forgot to have some yoghurt with my (very disappointing hard (ready to eat, pah!)) pear. So I still need to figure out how to add a touch of protein to my evening fruit snack. I can't think of anything but yoghurt (or nuts which I do like to keep as a snack.)
Oooh, I'm hungry today and I don't know why. I had porridge and blueberries at c8.20am and 6 quails eggs at 11.20am. Confusing...
Today will be a tricky day with food. I am home whilst a plumber does some work here and bf is on his way home to take the second shift. The kitchen is out of bounds so I won't be able to pack my usual careful snacks and lunch to take. This was short-sighted of me; plumber was late and I was plannig on leaving here after he'd gone but things have now changed. It's another challenge - not being railroaded by the unpredictable. I can buy a yoghurt and a salad on my way in. I think I might need something else but I'm not sure what.
I also need to start drinking more water though. On LL I used to drink an average of 5 litres a day. Now I usually drink 1-2 glasses. And 3-4 cups green tea. I don't fancy it when the weather is cold.
I can't actually come up with three things to be grateful for yesterday - I know it's awful. I didn't eat well, my commute was awful, work was exasperating (or rather, some of my colleagues were). Not good. Must do better.
Curlygirl - hello! I don't have your email any more and mine's changed too so I'll leave you a comment on your blog and do get in touch. SO nice to hear from you - would love to hear more about how you're doing. Curlygirl (and she IS gloriously curly) did LL with me all that time ago.
And thanks both for the porridge tips. I'm not keen on raisins, Debbie - or any dried fruit except dates. And they make chocolate look low-cal. I have to say I forgot to have some yoghurt with my (very disappointing hard (ready to eat, pah!)) pear. So I still need to figure out how to add a touch of protein to my evening fruit snack. I can't think of anything but yoghurt (or nuts which I do like to keep as a snack.)
Oooh, I'm hungry today and I don't know why. I had porridge and blueberries at c8.20am and 6 quails eggs at 11.20am. Confusing...
Monday, 1 February 2010
Feeling fruity
I don’t know – why is it one step forward and two back? I ate two cookies in the office on Friday which to my horror, I discovered amounted to c900 calories (delicious ones but still....). I had a VERY frugal supper of no more than 250cals to make up for it. And yesterday we slithered through the mud on a 7.8 mile hilly walk that made Lab #1 so stiff she had to have a painkiller in the evening, poor thing. So did my mum! Apparently this will have burnt c2500cals (in me). Which should make up for those cookies and then some. And I was very good with food over the weekend too.
And then today in a panic about a possible job application and the WI tomorrow, I ate half a dozen Haribo and half a dozen Celebrations. I do despair of myself. I think it’s an ongoing and building fear kicked off by the +1lb. It’s ridiculous I know and I must get back to the discipline of the past month. Actually my period is due cFriday and that may also be a culprit...
Another possibility is that fruit is kicking this off. I’m just moving up to two servings today (so can’t realistically say it would explain me gorging on stuff this afternoon – unless it’s psychological). I had blueberries in my porridge which was very nice and I will have a pear tonight. I am actually taking it more slowly than SB necessarily dictate. I don’t intend to add anything else in the way of carbs into my diet for the foreseeable future. I can live with things like they are at the moment – porridge and fruit for breakfast, soup or salad for lunch with SF jelly and protein with veg/salad in the evening (one glass of wine at the weekend) with another piece of fruit and a square (or two, depending on size) of dark chocolate.
I am supposed to balance my fruit with protein but it’s tricky – I have soy milk in my porridge (half and half with water) so that clears that up, but in the evening it’s trickier. SB always seem to suggest nuts or peanut butter, but I have my nut allocation as a snack and cheese is too high in calories to feel comfortable with it every day. I can only think to have a bit of yoghurt too but whilst it works with berries, it’s not so good with a pear or some melon or plums (the evening fruit choices which lie ahead). Perhaps I need to stew apples or pears to go in my porridge and have the berries in the evening? At the moment, these choices seem to be overwhelming which is not a good sign. Anyone know anything else good to flavour porridge with?
I’ve checked the monthly weather forecast – doesn’t look like this fat bottomed girl will be back on her bike any time soon, with next week being “bitterly cold” and the rest of February staying the same.
I’m sure you’re heartily sick of the food diaries so I’ll just say that I WAS going to have an omelette (cheese and mushroom) and salad tonight but now (post Haribos and Celebrations) I’ll be having some smoked trout and salad to try and claw back some cals.
3 things to feel grateful for yesterday (and I’m afraid I DO only do this if I’m typing a blog post):
1. The walk though scarily slithery was lovely in parts (the bits when I could look up from my feet, principally) and it was good to get out and burn some calories and to see the Labs and my mum
2. Gorgeous foot rub from bf once back (and de-mudded)
3. I made a low cal healthy pork dish that bf really liked too and was really restrained and sensible with my food choices
And then today in a panic about a possible job application and the WI tomorrow, I ate half a dozen Haribo and half a dozen Celebrations. I do despair of myself. I think it’s an ongoing and building fear kicked off by the +1lb. It’s ridiculous I know and I must get back to the discipline of the past month. Actually my period is due cFriday and that may also be a culprit...
Another possibility is that fruit is kicking this off. I’m just moving up to two servings today (so can’t realistically say it would explain me gorging on stuff this afternoon – unless it’s psychological). I had blueberries in my porridge which was very nice and I will have a pear tonight. I am actually taking it more slowly than SB necessarily dictate. I don’t intend to add anything else in the way of carbs into my diet for the foreseeable future. I can live with things like they are at the moment – porridge and fruit for breakfast, soup or salad for lunch with SF jelly and protein with veg/salad in the evening (one glass of wine at the weekend) with another piece of fruit and a square (or two, depending on size) of dark chocolate.
I am supposed to balance my fruit with protein but it’s tricky – I have soy milk in my porridge (half and half with water) so that clears that up, but in the evening it’s trickier. SB always seem to suggest nuts or peanut butter, but I have my nut allocation as a snack and cheese is too high in calories to feel comfortable with it every day. I can only think to have a bit of yoghurt too but whilst it works with berries, it’s not so good with a pear or some melon or plums (the evening fruit choices which lie ahead). Perhaps I need to stew apples or pears to go in my porridge and have the berries in the evening? At the moment, these choices seem to be overwhelming which is not a good sign. Anyone know anything else good to flavour porridge with?
I’ve checked the monthly weather forecast – doesn’t look like this fat bottomed girl will be back on her bike any time soon, with next week being “bitterly cold” and the rest of February staying the same.
I’m sure you’re heartily sick of the food diaries so I’ll just say that I WAS going to have an omelette (cheese and mushroom) and salad tonight but now (post Haribos and Celebrations) I’ll be having some smoked trout and salad to try and claw back some cals.
3 things to feel grateful for yesterday (and I’m afraid I DO only do this if I’m typing a blog post):
1. The walk though scarily slithery was lovely in parts (the bits when I could look up from my feet, principally) and it was good to get out and burn some calories and to see the Labs and my mum
2. Gorgeous foot rub from bf once back (and de-mudded)
3. I made a low cal healthy pork dish that bf really liked too and was really restrained and sensible with my food choices
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