Thankfully he didn't say this - but he did look an awful lot like an older version of the Little Britain character. But American and with a big crystal hanging round his neck. And we were in his front room. My work buddy, V, roared with laughter at the thought of me and this crystal wearing alternative therapy man. As she said, the less touchy-feely it's possible to be, the more I'd like it.
I sat there with my eyes firmly closed, thinking crossly "This is a waste of time and money, grr, grr, grr" but I did go into a trance - suddenly I couldn't feel my whole body, just my hands and in my mind a great black space opened up (possibly the gap where my brains should be!). So that's the positive bit, the negative bit is that he said he'd "ordered a script on comfort eating" which makes me think he's not really a specialist on this sort of thing. And I came in this morning feeling a little off colour and miserable and promtly ate half a Milky Way and 5 Opal Fruits. Not working as yet then....
I'm not sure what to do but I'm waiting to hear from Mrs L about someone she knows of and I'm going to call and speak to him/her. My lovely friend Willowy R, did a whole analysis, including a cost analysis to give me advice on what to do! Management consultancy for free, yay! It is free, right R? I don't think I can afford you!
I also went for a running shoe consultation. Everytime I mention myself in conjunction with running I want to laugh out loud at the absurdity of it. He was a very nice man but very solemn. I was a bit wise-crackerish (probably from nerves and embarrassment) and he really didn't get it (and I was funny! Honest!). They made me run on a treadmill - slowly after I explained that they'd probably have to give me CPR - and filmed my feet (they will be giving autographs). Of course, the upshot is that the cheapest trainers are £70 (ker-ching) but given that I have dodgy ankles and don't want to put myself off or out of action (pauses whilst roaring with laughter) I think I'll have to bite the bullet and get them.
Had a lovely Valentines dinner and am now paying for it - I'm RAVENOUS. It was so lovely to cook again. I think I'm going to go to the Idiot Proof Diet (IPD) sooner rather than later. It was lovely to cook and lovely to eat with b/f. Even though my foaming mustard hollandaise for the purple sprouting broccoli did turn into scrambled eggs (sigh). But I made a cracking rhubarb fool with proper custard. That's made as in starting with the cream, eggs, sugar and vanilla pod - my colleague said she made custard and I discovered she meant that she'd opened a packet and added milk as opposed to buying it ready mixed! Bless!
Friday, 15 February 2008
Thursday, 14 February 2008
Patience is a virtue
Happy Valentine's Day. I hope it IS a happy day for you - it's rather one of those days where the weight of expectation (your own and everyone else's) can be rather heavy and cumbersome. Anyway, I'm especially thinking of my lovely friend Willowy R, Mrs L and Lesley whose husbands are away. Love comes in many forms girls! Sending some your way.....
Bizarrely today is my consultation on hypotherapy (and first session afterwards if I'm happy) - exorcising my love (passion!) for sugar?! But I DON'T want to do the Paul McKenna thing of associating chocolate with maggots, burning rubber or the like - I do still want to enjoy it but I don't want to use it to self-medicate when I'm stressed and/or fed up by shovelling sugar down my throat like a foie gras goose. I am wary - not least because of the cost (more on that later) but it would be so wonderful to feel more in control. I shall try and update tomorrow.
I've only lost 1lb. I don't know quite what is going on as I'm being virtuous. The only thing that may have thrown me off course is our team lunch two days ago. If you remember I selfishly vetoed the others' desire for pizza and we went somewhere I could practice damage limitation and get a salad. The food wasn't great and the salad was a modest size - but to me of course it was exciting because it was food! Everyone else had pudding and I managed to resist by promising myself a creme egg instead - and I did have one and enjoyed it (I eat them in a particularly vile way as it's the fondant I really like so like to get the chocolate out of the way and end on the high note of the fondant!). Not ideal but the lesser of evils. So, I'm assuming that's why I've only lost 1lb - and our Valentine's Day meal chez nous tonight won't help (no blow out but food nonetheless). Sigh. Keeping plodding on though - hurrah for me. Humph.
I also am having to battle against the fact that my heart has rather been stolen by the Idiot Proof Diet. I've read all the stuff voraciously and visit the forum pig2twig.com (and no, I didn't steal their idea for my blog - I'd not heard of it then) and I feel excited to get going on it. Ketosis continues but with food - and healthy too. They also consider sugar to be 'the devil' which I think is true for me in any case. I'm not a patient girl and am entirely too into instant gratificiation and I really want to get going on that now but I'm not going to until after Easter. We have a couple of meals/social events in March and I think they'll be easier to manage by getting back on packs right afterwards and losing the most I can that way (although at the rate I'm going at the moment that will be an issue). It will feel easier if I start having a few chunkier losses!
Next week will be a pure, no food week - nothing after tonight until our newly affianced friends come to dinner on 1st. They're mildly annoying me - she's decided she doesn't want people looking at her so will probably go home to Oz to get married (clearly everyone there closes their eyes at weddings!). I do wonder too if this means that despite living here for about 10 years whether she really has built up a network of close friends here - surely you'd want them at your wedding? But option 2 is a quiet registry office do over here with no-one there (joyless in my opinion). Of course they must do what makes them happy (although my friend N apparently has no say in any of this!) but I have to grit my teeth as I feel she's wasting an opportunity I'd kill for (her at the moment!). Must be nice and not tetchy when we meet them for a drink early Saturday night to congratulate them. And of course, not look at her!
Bizarrely today is my consultation on hypotherapy (and first session afterwards if I'm happy) - exorcising my love (passion!) for sugar?! But I DON'T want to do the Paul McKenna thing of associating chocolate with maggots, burning rubber or the like - I do still want to enjoy it but I don't want to use it to self-medicate when I'm stressed and/or fed up by shovelling sugar down my throat like a foie gras goose. I am wary - not least because of the cost (more on that later) but it would be so wonderful to feel more in control. I shall try and update tomorrow.
I've only lost 1lb. I don't know quite what is going on as I'm being virtuous. The only thing that may have thrown me off course is our team lunch two days ago. If you remember I selfishly vetoed the others' desire for pizza and we went somewhere I could practice damage limitation and get a salad. The food wasn't great and the salad was a modest size - but to me of course it was exciting because it was food! Everyone else had pudding and I managed to resist by promising myself a creme egg instead - and I did have one and enjoyed it (I eat them in a particularly vile way as it's the fondant I really like so like to get the chocolate out of the way and end on the high note of the fondant!). Not ideal but the lesser of evils. So, I'm assuming that's why I've only lost 1lb - and our Valentine's Day meal chez nous tonight won't help (no blow out but food nonetheless). Sigh. Keeping plodding on though - hurrah for me. Humph.
I also am having to battle against the fact that my heart has rather been stolen by the Idiot Proof Diet. I've read all the stuff voraciously and visit the forum pig2twig.com (and no, I didn't steal their idea for my blog - I'd not heard of it then) and I feel excited to get going on it. Ketosis continues but with food - and healthy too. They also consider sugar to be 'the devil' which I think is true for me in any case. I'm not a patient girl and am entirely too into instant gratificiation and I really want to get going on that now but I'm not going to until after Easter. We have a couple of meals/social events in March and I think they'll be easier to manage by getting back on packs right afterwards and losing the most I can that way (although at the rate I'm going at the moment that will be an issue). It will feel easier if I start having a few chunkier losses!
Next week will be a pure, no food week - nothing after tonight until our newly affianced friends come to dinner on 1st. They're mildly annoying me - she's decided she doesn't want people looking at her so will probably go home to Oz to get married (clearly everyone there closes their eyes at weddings!). I do wonder too if this means that despite living here for about 10 years whether she really has built up a network of close friends here - surely you'd want them at your wedding? But option 2 is a quiet registry office do over here with no-one there (joyless in my opinion). Of course they must do what makes them happy (although my friend N apparently has no say in any of this!) but I have to grit my teeth as I feel she's wasting an opportunity I'd kill for (her at the moment!). Must be nice and not tetchy when we meet them for a drink early Saturday night to congratulate them. And of course, not look at her!
Monday, 11 February 2008
Is virtue its own reward?
NO. And if you're still not sure about my opinion on this - NO, NO, NO.
So, I've been a good Peridot since Friday. Lots of walking, scant food. So I should see some rewarding shift on the scales, yes? No. Apparently not. Nada, nothing, rien. So, three days of being good (food-wise but generally too!) and walking in on Friday and a 6 mile walk yesterday, today I am STILL the same weight. This. Is. Not. Fair. And if I'm still the same weight on Wednesday (and I can't see how I possibly will be) I will have to re-think my options.
As it was, still sunny of disposition, at the weekend I read the whole of India and Neris' Idiot Proof Diet and decided that when I'm 1st - 1st7lbs off target I will swop to their diet. I think it will work really well with VLCDs as you basically maintain ketosis by keeping carbs down - and then gradually re-introduce them after you've only got a stone or less to go. It's not Atkins with the emphasis on lard rather than veg and it seems to have a dramatic success rate. And the best thing is that you get to eat! They don't approve of you being hungry! They also think that (refined) sugar is "the devil" which is does rather seem to be for me. A beguiling devil that I'm determined to master. But I suppose I could start this earlier if I can't shift on CD - to be honest I'd rather get rid of another stone and a half (which would take me to c another stone and a half off target. Albeit a target which sounds incredibly unachievable) but I can't live like this and not get the payback. I do find it tough, I don't like it but I deal with it because I desparately want to shift as much weight in as little time as possible. Quite how this fits in with my decents into sugar-hell, I don't know. Clearly it doesn't.
And so we come to hypnosis. I think I will try this. I really can't afford it and it will have to be kept secret from b/f which I feel really uncomfortable and unhappy about - and which if he finds out about he will go balistic - but I really, really need some help. Ideally help from within myself that I can replicate. My concern is that I'll start it and then really find I can't cope with continuing to pay - but I've now got it down to £58.50 a session! Every little helps? Tesco says it so it must be true. Hmmm.
Running - also have to buy some shoes (cheap as I can get running shoes from - looks like I might be able to get a half price pair from J D Sport for £35 - if they do actually have them in the shops as well as in their promotional material), a decent sports bra and some very very cheap kit. But it's all money! Money I don't have! ARGH! Makes me feel tense. Which is an improvement (psychologically) on when I spent with abandon I suppose, but more stressful.
By the way, Mrs L, you asked about my running colleague C. She was doing other exercise but said it didn't seem to help at all with running. She found the second week where she had to run for 2 mins, walk for 3 so exhausting that she had to stop after each run, rather than walk! She says she absolutely hates running but it lets her scoff chocolate and sweets and keeps her slim (you can see her point). Thanks Karen too - have printed off the couch potato thing and looked at the site generally but had already ordered the book in any case! And b/f and me are on for starting running in March. We've got the newly affianced N&F (she said yes, no big surprise) for dinner on 1st March and we'll start the week after that. Gulp.
So, I've been a good Peridot since Friday. Lots of walking, scant food. So I should see some rewarding shift on the scales, yes? No. Apparently not. Nada, nothing, rien. So, three days of being good (food-wise but generally too!) and walking in on Friday and a 6 mile walk yesterday, today I am STILL the same weight. This. Is. Not. Fair. And if I'm still the same weight on Wednesday (and I can't see how I possibly will be) I will have to re-think my options.
As it was, still sunny of disposition, at the weekend I read the whole of India and Neris' Idiot Proof Diet and decided that when I'm 1st - 1st7lbs off target I will swop to their diet. I think it will work really well with VLCDs as you basically maintain ketosis by keeping carbs down - and then gradually re-introduce them after you've only got a stone or less to go. It's not Atkins with the emphasis on lard rather than veg and it seems to have a dramatic success rate. And the best thing is that you get to eat! They don't approve of you being hungry! They also think that (refined) sugar is "the devil" which is does rather seem to be for me. A beguiling devil that I'm determined to master. But I suppose I could start this earlier if I can't shift on CD - to be honest I'd rather get rid of another stone and a half (which would take me to c another stone and a half off target. Albeit a target which sounds incredibly unachievable) but I can't live like this and not get the payback. I do find it tough, I don't like it but I deal with it because I desparately want to shift as much weight in as little time as possible. Quite how this fits in with my decents into sugar-hell, I don't know. Clearly it doesn't.
And so we come to hypnosis. I think I will try this. I really can't afford it and it will have to be kept secret from b/f which I feel really uncomfortable and unhappy about - and which if he finds out about he will go balistic - but I really, really need some help. Ideally help from within myself that I can replicate. My concern is that I'll start it and then really find I can't cope with continuing to pay - but I've now got it down to £58.50 a session! Every little helps? Tesco says it so it must be true. Hmmm.
Running - also have to buy some shoes (cheap as I can get running shoes from - looks like I might be able to get a half price pair from J D Sport for £35 - if they do actually have them in the shops as well as in their promotional material), a decent sports bra and some very very cheap kit. But it's all money! Money I don't have! ARGH! Makes me feel tense. Which is an improvement (psychologically) on when I spent with abandon I suppose, but more stressful.
By the way, Mrs L, you asked about my running colleague C. She was doing other exercise but said it didn't seem to help at all with running. She found the second week where she had to run for 2 mins, walk for 3 so exhausting that she had to stop after each run, rather than walk! She says she absolutely hates running but it lets her scoff chocolate and sweets and keeps her slim (you can see her point). Thanks Karen too - have printed off the couch potato thing and looked at the site generally but had already ordered the book in any case! And b/f and me are on for starting running in March. We've got the newly affianced N&F (she said yes, no big surprise) for dinner on 1st March and we'll start the week after that. Gulp.
Friday, 8 February 2008
Lesley, patron goddess of running
I feel so much more positive today. I don't know if it's because the sun is shining, or the fact that I feel more in control (or is it because I feel more positive that I feel more in control? chicken or egg I suspect) - I'm just glad to feel better.
Yesterday was a better day - it wasn't perfect, I had to get up at 4.45am for work (that is not a typo by the way) so I did have a skinny cappuccino at lunchtime and I did have a small amount of chocolate but I didn't go mad and let it spiral me into injesting scary amounts of sugar. I didn't have a pack at lunchtime because I didn't feel like it. Not perfect behaviour but I felt more in control and that made a big difference. And it made me think of a 'conversation' with Mrs L on black and white behaviour. This is a definite shade of grey but that's probably not a bad thing for me, a definite black and white girl. Another proof of flexibility (I feel) is that we're going out for a team lunch next week. Yes, in a way I'm dreading it - enforced eating can make me feel panicky and then result in me having a 'oh blow it' reaction and letting it become a trend. BUT my team wanted to go to Strada for pizza and I've managed to steer it towards Bar HaHa where they do a lovely looking salad (chorizo and squash - mmmm) which I feel will do me less damage (physically and psychologically) than pizza (as tempting as that sounds).
I walked in today. And it was a happy, energetic walk - such a contrast to the start of the week. Now, that was the day I came on (TOTM) so biorhythms may have played a part (never really noticed such things before so not sure). And today I changed bag from my much loved Roxanne - which even empty is very heavy and I carry either at arm's length or in the crook of my arm - to a cross the body bag which was lighter and made me feel much free-er. Although I'm not sure it's a flattering bag to have if you're dumpy, it was perfect for walking and I may just stick to it. I am starving now unfortunately - my stomach is making indignantly loud grumbles - but I'm really not going to give in today. Not at all.
And on the way in I thought about running. I've never thought that I could run. I'm pretty sure I won't like it but it IS an effective and cheap way of getting exercise. Ideally I'd join a swanky gym where I'd actually be happy to do a kickboxing class (god, I loved kickboxing), a dance class, a bodypump class and a pilates class but with my finances by the time I can afford this I will need a zimmer just to get there! There's a girl at my work who couldn't run for 2 mins (like me!) and started following the Zest book - Zest: Running Made Easy(http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1843404346/ref=ord_cart_shr?%5Fencoding=UTF8&m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE) where you build up from utterly useless to being able to run . She's doing the Marathon this year. And she eats sugar ALL DAY and is a slim and shapely size 10 - she hates running but it has great results. A bit like a VLCD - maximum results for least output but with a side order of pain to even up the score.
The reviews on Amazon for the Zest book look pretty good and I've heard other people have significant success with this. Somehow, b/f and I started talking about it last weekend and he'd do it with me which would make a difference in getting me off the sofa and out in the evening. I had said that I'd start in May as I hope to be off packs and on to food by then. But I've been thinking of Lesley, patron goddess of runners, who started running at about 16st on packs and now runs huge looking hills (a moment of silence in respect please). So maybe I could do it NOW. And I know I've got a few social occasions in March and running a bit might help offset those AND make me feel more in control. So, I think I might start next month. I've not got the book yet but have read about it and you start off with c16 mins, 1 min running, 2 mins walking. That doesn't sound too intimidating (although still challenging for a non-runner like me). I am worried that I might be the first person to fail on this (like I felt when I started LL) but I'm not going to let that stop me. I need some decent trainers (I have dodgy ankles so want to ensure they're proper running shoes, as supportive and cushioning as possible - and as cheap!), some cheapo kit (my old gym stuff is too big) and a sports bra. Gulp.
And I'm seriously considering some hypnotherapy to break my mental vicious circle of 'feel stressed and/or down, need sugar'. It would be a financial commitment which is scary (5-6 sessions @ £65 a session - and that's the cheap version) but if it worked it would have such a big impact on my life. I had 2 sessions for my arachnophobia several years ago and although I'm still pretty scared, I no longer hyperventilate, cry uncontrollably or go catatonic which were my previous reactions to spiders. I can manage the fact that I'm scared. I'm thinking about it anyway.
Yesterday was a better day - it wasn't perfect, I had to get up at 4.45am for work (that is not a typo by the way) so I did have a skinny cappuccino at lunchtime and I did have a small amount of chocolate but I didn't go mad and let it spiral me into injesting scary amounts of sugar. I didn't have a pack at lunchtime because I didn't feel like it. Not perfect behaviour but I felt more in control and that made a big difference. And it made me think of a 'conversation' with Mrs L on black and white behaviour. This is a definite shade of grey but that's probably not a bad thing for me, a definite black and white girl. Another proof of flexibility (I feel) is that we're going out for a team lunch next week. Yes, in a way I'm dreading it - enforced eating can make me feel panicky and then result in me having a 'oh blow it' reaction and letting it become a trend. BUT my team wanted to go to Strada for pizza and I've managed to steer it towards Bar HaHa where they do a lovely looking salad (chorizo and squash - mmmm) which I feel will do me less damage (physically and psychologically) than pizza (as tempting as that sounds).
I walked in today. And it was a happy, energetic walk - such a contrast to the start of the week. Now, that was the day I came on (TOTM) so biorhythms may have played a part (never really noticed such things before so not sure). And today I changed bag from my much loved Roxanne - which even empty is very heavy and I carry either at arm's length or in the crook of my arm - to a cross the body bag which was lighter and made me feel much free-er. Although I'm not sure it's a flattering bag to have if you're dumpy, it was perfect for walking and I may just stick to it. I am starving now unfortunately - my stomach is making indignantly loud grumbles - but I'm really not going to give in today. Not at all.
And on the way in I thought about running. I've never thought that I could run. I'm pretty sure I won't like it but it IS an effective and cheap way of getting exercise. Ideally I'd join a swanky gym where I'd actually be happy to do a kickboxing class (god, I loved kickboxing), a dance class, a bodypump class and a pilates class but with my finances by the time I can afford this I will need a zimmer just to get there! There's a girl at my work who couldn't run for 2 mins (like me!) and started following the Zest book - Zest: Running Made Easy(http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1843404346/ref=ord_cart_shr?%5Fencoding=UTF8&m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE) where you build up from utterly useless to being able to run . She's doing the Marathon this year. And she eats sugar ALL DAY and is a slim and shapely size 10 - she hates running but it has great results. A bit like a VLCD - maximum results for least output but with a side order of pain to even up the score.
The reviews on Amazon for the Zest book look pretty good and I've heard other people have significant success with this. Somehow, b/f and I started talking about it last weekend and he'd do it with me which would make a difference in getting me off the sofa and out in the evening. I had said that I'd start in May as I hope to be off packs and on to food by then. But I've been thinking of Lesley, patron goddess of runners, who started running at about 16st on packs and now runs huge looking hills (a moment of silence in respect please). So maybe I could do it NOW. And I know I've got a few social occasions in March and running a bit might help offset those AND make me feel more in control. So, I think I might start next month. I've not got the book yet but have read about it and you start off with c16 mins, 1 min running, 2 mins walking. That doesn't sound too intimidating (although still challenging for a non-runner like me). I am worried that I might be the first person to fail on this (like I felt when I started LL) but I'm not going to let that stop me. I need some decent trainers (I have dodgy ankles so want to ensure they're proper running shoes, as supportive and cushioning as possible - and as cheap!), some cheapo kit (my old gym stuff is too big) and a sports bra. Gulp.
And I'm seriously considering some hypnotherapy to break my mental vicious circle of 'feel stressed and/or down, need sugar'. It would be a financial commitment which is scary (5-6 sessions @ £65 a session - and that's the cheap version) but if it worked it would have such a big impact on my life. I had 2 sessions for my arachnophobia several years ago and although I'm still pretty scared, I no longer hyperventilate, cry uncontrollably or go catatonic which were my previous reactions to spiders. I can manage the fact that I'm scared. I'm thinking about it anyway.
Tuesday, 5 February 2008
Things that make you go hmmmm, #2
Mrs L (who I keep referring to as 'my friend' to people and I've never met her and don't even know what she looks like - nor her me!) pointed out somethng that I kind of know but don't think I've properly accepted, that being slim isn't a magic wand that makes your whole life perfect. IF I ever get to be slim (at the moment I think the kindest word would be 'plump') it doesn't mean that my life will be perfect.
But, but, but, people will like me more, b/f will love me more and I'll be more confident, yes? Surely? Even if I get to a size 12 (I'm a slightly smaller than average 16 at the moment) I will not be Elle McPherson - my legs are not going to grow long, how ever much I'd like that, I will always be dumpy. I accept and know that (grudgingly). But possibly I'll always be insecure - I hadn't signed up for that.
But, but, but, people will like me more, b/f will love me more and I'll be more confident, yes? Surely? Even if I get to a size 12 (I'm a slightly smaller than average 16 at the moment) I will not be Elle McPherson - my legs are not going to grow long, how ever much I'd like that, I will always be dumpy. I accept and know that (grudgingly). But possibly I'll always be insecure - I hadn't signed up for that.
Things that make you go hmmmm
I'm hanging in there. After a virtuous weekend I had a disasterous day yesterday but today has been much better. I haven't been vanilla perfect (about 6 mini eggs) but I haven't eaten a couple of thousand calories worth of sugar (despite really really wanting to) and so this is progress - not impressive progress but progress nonetheless. And hopefully progress I can build on so tomorrow, no eggs! Or anything else.
Strangely, two of my friends have now pointed out that I have a real problem with sugar. Maybe it seems obvious to an outsider but I thought that yes, I had no willpower and yes, I was greedy but it didn't occur to me that I might have some deep seated psychological "issues". I thought everyone mainlined chocolate when they were down or upset. But yesterday my work pal, lovely V, said that she thinks my reaction in eating extreme quantities of sugar and chocolate etc is a form of self-loathing and punishment and almost akin to anorexia or bulimia (yes I AM the embodiment of that un-pc joke about the bulimic who forgets to throw up). I was quite taken aback actually. But last week I was out with one of my two best friends, willowy R, who said from reading this blog that "it's obvious" I have real issues with food.
Both V and R are extremely sensible women (in a glamorous, fun kind of way!) and so I have to listen to them. But I'm a bit dumbfounded to know what to do about my apparent (if not apparent to me) psychological issues with sugar. V even suggested therapy - we get a few free sessions through work - but I can't believe it would warrant that (and would hate it). I guess some self-help type of reading - it won't help my debt issues but I do feel a bit disturbed by the very thought that I'm more damaged goods than I'd realised.
Strangely, two of my friends have now pointed out that I have a real problem with sugar. Maybe it seems obvious to an outsider but I thought that yes, I had no willpower and yes, I was greedy but it didn't occur to me that I might have some deep seated psychological "issues". I thought everyone mainlined chocolate when they were down or upset. But yesterday my work pal, lovely V, said that she thinks my reaction in eating extreme quantities of sugar and chocolate etc is a form of self-loathing and punishment and almost akin to anorexia or bulimia (yes I AM the embodiment of that un-pc joke about the bulimic who forgets to throw up). I was quite taken aback actually. But last week I was out with one of my two best friends, willowy R, who said from reading this blog that "it's obvious" I have real issues with food.
Both V and R are extremely sensible women (in a glamorous, fun kind of way!) and so I have to listen to them. But I'm a bit dumbfounded to know what to do about my apparent (if not apparent to me) psychological issues with sugar. V even suggested therapy - we get a few free sessions through work - but I can't believe it would warrant that (and would hate it). I guess some self-help type of reading - it won't help my debt issues but I do feel a bit disturbed by the very thought that I'm more damaged goods than I'd realised.
Monday, 4 February 2008
One step forward, two steps back
I'm finding life so hard at the moment that the diet is even harder. Foodwise, I've been good all weekend having had a bad Thursday and Friday at work - but on Sunday I was sufficiently upset that if we HAD had anything in the flat, I would have eaten it.
B/f and I went for a walk around the park yesterday in the freezing cold. We were talking about his birthday - it's the big 5-0 for him this autumn. He's usually very severe about me not getting him much, due to my debts and I hate it. I'm a big present-giver and I find it really hard not being able to buy him stuff. But he's not big on stuff in any case so for his birthday I was planning on taking him somewhere wonderful for dinner. Had originally thought of Manoir aux Quatre Saisons but it turned out that that would be about £1,500 for two nights! He said he didn't want a surprise but wanted to choose - and then brought up the money thing again. It often feels as though he's punishing me for having debts and it felt like that again (to be fair, money/debt issues give him the real heebie-jeebies). It all deteriorated and in planning out what we do have to pay out for this year, we started talking about weddings - my youngest brother is marrying for the second time in the autumn and b/f was saying that we won't be able to do much about his birthday as we'll have to pay out for that. So then we got into a wedding conversation and that's the worst thing for me. B/f said he did want to marry me but he hadn't done anything because he didn't see why he "should have to marry anyone who was fat". Although I'm still a size 16 he doesn't feel that anymore but now it's "shouldn't have to marry anyone who's in debt". Realistically that means we wouldn't be getting married until I'm almost 50 (having probably well over 10 years until my loans are paid off). And I'm not sure there's any point then. Yes, I'd lose my hated surname but I clearly couldn't have a wedding dress or big bash - it would look ridiculous. And so I think I'd just feel bitter about what I'd lost out on. What I've already lost out on.
I know it shouldn't matter but it does. I barely slept last night and that never helps but I woke up this morning and felt like I had an airlock inside me that if it came to the surface I'd disintegrate - it felt like a mixture of panic and misery. I thought I'd walk in as that might help but although I usually enjoy the walk, every step was a trial and a resentment and teeth-on-edge-stuff this morning. Then I got in and ate 3 chocolate biscuits - a link? Oh yes.
And I was actually my lightest yet pre-Christmas weight this morning too. Dare say I've wrecked that now.
I know I have to cheer up, lighten up and toughen up but I seem to have lost the ability to know how to go about this. And I can't quite bring myself to care.
B/f and I went for a walk around the park yesterday in the freezing cold. We were talking about his birthday - it's the big 5-0 for him this autumn. He's usually very severe about me not getting him much, due to my debts and I hate it. I'm a big present-giver and I find it really hard not being able to buy him stuff. But he's not big on stuff in any case so for his birthday I was planning on taking him somewhere wonderful for dinner. Had originally thought of Manoir aux Quatre Saisons but it turned out that that would be about £1,500 for two nights! He said he didn't want a surprise but wanted to choose - and then brought up the money thing again. It often feels as though he's punishing me for having debts and it felt like that again (to be fair, money/debt issues give him the real heebie-jeebies). It all deteriorated and in planning out what we do have to pay out for this year, we started talking about weddings - my youngest brother is marrying for the second time in the autumn and b/f was saying that we won't be able to do much about his birthday as we'll have to pay out for that. So then we got into a wedding conversation and that's the worst thing for me. B/f said he did want to marry me but he hadn't done anything because he didn't see why he "should have to marry anyone who was fat". Although I'm still a size 16 he doesn't feel that anymore but now it's "shouldn't have to marry anyone who's in debt". Realistically that means we wouldn't be getting married until I'm almost 50 (having probably well over 10 years until my loans are paid off). And I'm not sure there's any point then. Yes, I'd lose my hated surname but I clearly couldn't have a wedding dress or big bash - it would look ridiculous. And so I think I'd just feel bitter about what I'd lost out on. What I've already lost out on.
I know it shouldn't matter but it does. I barely slept last night and that never helps but I woke up this morning and felt like I had an airlock inside me that if it came to the surface I'd disintegrate - it felt like a mixture of panic and misery. I thought I'd walk in as that might help but although I usually enjoy the walk, every step was a trial and a resentment and teeth-on-edge-stuff this morning. Then I got in and ate 3 chocolate biscuits - a link? Oh yes.
And I was actually my lightest yet pre-Christmas weight this morning too. Dare say I've wrecked that now.
I know I have to cheer up, lighten up and toughen up but I seem to have lost the ability to know how to go about this. And I can't quite bring myself to care.
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