The Flab Four

Serious change to my MO here - actually writing from home.  I don't have a proper keyboard so always post from work - but recently work has been getting the way of posting.  The nerve.  And I'm aware that it's been aaaaages since I last posted.

I don't think I actually have an overall loss since that last time.  Hidden within that stark number is the 4lbs that I put on and take off and put on and take off... I didn't do too well at the discipline around a planned cheat.  This is something I need to get better at - especially with the festive scene nudging up against us, and brandishing treats.  And I'd like to make some progress that will stop me bouncing blobbily back up to the stone bracket I worked so long and hard to escape.  I'm still just a few lbs off 3 stone - but never getting any closer to it.  It would be good to get a couple of lbs under that by the Christmas insanity.

As it is, I don't have the sort of social life that all women's magazines seem to think we do - all those articles on glittery evening wear, who do they aim that stuff at?  Reader: do you spend the whole of Christmas shimmying from one black tie do to another?  Maybe it's just me...

But the silver lining here is that I don't have innumerable social functions - and all the attendant food and drinks - to navigate.  We have a cheap and cheerful team lunch - which I may not be able to go to anyway because my workload is increasing and stockpiling up to Christmas week.  I won't be sorry if I don't - I suffer from societal anxiety which means large groups are miserable for me, even if I know them all and I can duck the high quantity, low quality food that this will inevitably involve.  We have a weekend away in Aldeburgh which will be quite foodie and a good opportunity for me to practice the discipline-around-planned-cheats thing.  And dinner the Friday before Christmas with my stepson and his current girlfriend - it's a set meal with small portions so it's just the booze to navigate.  I've foresworn cocktails for gin and diet tonics, which is a small help.  But P and his son (and the gf, to a lesser extent) are absolute booze hounds, when they get together and egg each other on.  By that time, we're deep into festive excesses in any case.  (See also: the discipline-around-planned-cheats thing).

Also on the threats list would be the return of Christmas tapas!  I am calorie counting those so that shouldn't derail me (those mini pies! Ouch.  They are having to be a meal on their own).  But there is definitely an increase in temptation at this time of year - and I am absolutely rubbish at resisting.  I'm trying not to think about the variety of deliciousness suddenly adorning every shop, every ad, every everything, whilst edging around them both literally and figuratively.

And on the opportunities list: I have my third fill on Thursday.  As you know, I haven't had any reaction to the fills so far (although perhaps there's something in Lesley's idea that there has been a slight psychological effect).  I can't help but think that surely, SURELY, it must work this time.  In any case, I have a very hungry, difficult three days ahead of liquids only.  Last time I thought that would cause a jolt down on the scales and it didn't.  And yes, I'm still sulking about that.  But maybe this time...  Fingers crossed. And then we'll see.

Hurdles

And we’re off.

Or, rather, I’m off.  I am seeing the next few days as hurdles I have to clear.  Thank goodness they’re metaphorical or I’d have no chance.  As it is, I suspect I have little chance but damnit I am going to try.  

Tomorrow we’re going out to dinner with my stepson and to meet his new girlfriend.  The new girlfriend is clearly biding her time before appearing in TOWIE or Love Island.  I am not sure where I will look.  Must be worse for P.  Although hopefully she will consider dinner with her boyfriend’s dad might be an occasion to wear more, um, clothes.  I suppose if you’ve paid a lot for them, you want to get them out as often as possible – return on investment, cost per wear and all that.

Then we’re going out to dinner (just me and P!) for our wedding anniversary on Saturday.  I think it’s the type of place that has small, beautiful courses – which will suit us both actually.  (Roux at the Landau.  Seren: have you been?) We went for dinner with a friend last Saturday – I didn’t think it was a lot of food but I was in actual pain that night.  Neither of us like being over-full, it’s such a horrible feeling – but this was actual physical pain.  I guess there is some effect from the band, even if it’s not fully functional.

I am still doing this dieting malarky by myself – in that the band isn’t helping me yet.  Hopefully at some point my band will be at optimal fill and my hunger will decrease (not my greed of course, that would have to be a very tight band in my brain somewhere and they don’t offer that - yet).  I do have to be careful not to stretch my pouch however (my new stomach – which is above my main stomach).  We paid a lot of money for this and I don’t want to ruin it.  It’s quite tricky when you don’t have the sensation of being full and then bam, it’s painful a few hours later.  It’ll get easier when it kicks in properly and small portions are sufficient to fill me up.   Even then, I think I will calorie count – I won’t fret if I’m under (ha) but I don’t want to inadvertently go over. 

A restaurant may be easier in any case – you don’t worry about offending anyone by leaving any of your food, it doesn’t come with food for ‘seconds’ and there’s rarely a cheese course that just consists of enormous slabs of cheese sitting on the table for an hour or so as people pick away.  I don’t eat a lot of cheese – and I never bother with biscuits or bread – but it’s still an additional course.  I am cheering myself up, thinking about this, perhaps it will be easier than eating at someone’s house.  I can do this!

My very modest plan is just to keep the rest of the two days as dieting – I suddenly get a glimpse of a world of non-dieting and am inclined to joyfully seize the bit and gamble off into a meadow of sinful gluttony.  And of course to get back to normal first thing Sunday.  Normal for me, that is (so c1000 calories a day).  I’m pretty sure I am going to be on some diet or other for the rest of my life – I just have to make it work for me and that will always include the occasional meal out.  I need to learn – and practice – how to manage those occasions within the overall diet without either freaking out or hurling myself out of the wagon.  It has to be possible.

Ghost in the machine

It’s really hard when I can see other people’s blogs but I can’t comment on them!  I lurk, invisible, reading Seren’s and Leslie’s blogs but although I can leave an anonymous comment on Seren’s, Leslie’s will have none of me. But Venice! Wedding dresses! Consternation at a blue Leslie...

I don’t know why exactly, but it makes me feel disengaged from this whole bloggy world – as if I don’t really exist….  Weird….

Anyway, I’m awfully substantial for someone who is invisible!  Although I have finally – FINALLY – dropped into the next stone bracket.  Now I have my sights fixed on getting my third stone gone – that’s only 3lbs away.  And then it will be the half stone in my current stone bracket and then…. And then… Must not get ahead of myself. 

Especially since I have a foodie time coming up.  I’m choosing to see it as a challenge to not relax my discipline around those moments, but not to fret and be unable to enjoy them.  We’re going to a friend of P’s for dinner tomorrow – she’s a good cook but luckily is unlikely to be doing ridiculous portions.  Breakfast the next day might be trickier – it’s usually croissants or cereal.  I don’t drink milk so cereal is out…. I definitely do worse when I can’t plan in advance.  I tend to panic and make a decision which I later decide was the wrong one and then self-flagellate indefinitely.

Next Tuesday I’m meeting my old boss for a drink. I’ll probably be a bit nervous as she’s very polished. Lovely, but I always feel like a mess next to her. She’d be appalled...

Next Friday we’re meeting my step-son and his new girlfriend (who, by the looks of things, is not the sort of woman who has female friends – if you know what I mean).  I’ve already seen a lot more of her than I’d ideally like (courtesy of Instagram) – and I’ve not met her yet.  And then Saturday it’s our wedding anniversary and we’re going for a posh dinner. 

But one thing at a time.  Focus on making as good choices as possible this weekend.  Sometimes I let the enormity of all the ‘problems’ turn me into panicky jelly.  So focus on one step at a time and remember these are not ‘problems’, but should be looked forward to, calmly and dispassionately.

  

This is a terribly boring post – sorry!

Boing....boing....boing

Seriously.  It’s getting ridiculous.  I lost the holiday weight - and another ½ lb would take me into the next stone back and then, booooiiiiing, I’m back up over it by 1.5lbs.  Am I ever going to get there?  I mean, yes, presumably yes, but goodness it’s wearying. 

We were away for the weekend which meant a dinner out and a breakfast out.  I did particularly well with dinner.  I ate very small portions and gave the rest of it away.  I even ate half an éclair and stopped as I wasn’t enjoying it.  I did less well with breakfast.  Not the full English, which I really don’t like, but they wouldn’t substitute scrambled for poached egg in a Benedict and unless I’m prepared, I tend to panic and make a random choice.  In this case, a bacon sandwich – which was okay, the bacon wasn’t great (I dissected the sandwich and removed all the bacon fat – not through virtue, but through preference).  I had two freshly squeezed red grapefruit juices though, which is just liquid calories, and had a mini pain au chocolate.  So, I guess that accounts for my 1.5lbs on in two days.

I don’t have a single social thing until Friday – and that’s a party which I’m assuming has no food, so I should be able to manage that.  I’m hoping to get rid of that 1.5lb and it would be lovely to get out of this stone bracket that I’ve been in since 13 July.  OMG, I wish I hadn’t looked that up, that’s ridiculous.

It doesn’t help that work is pretty stressful at the moment (and not in a good way) AND our acting head of the team brought in a big drum of Hallowe’en sweets.  Sugar is disastrous for me – I seem incapable of eating just one or two.  Then I try and compensate when it comes to dinner.  I must stop this or we’ll get to mid-November and I STILL won’t have reached a new stone bracket.  I’m taking my shock and using it.

As I mentioned, I had a fill a couple of weeks ago and hoped it would exact a jump-start in the weight loss department.  It didn’t.  And I still don’t have any sensation of being fuller – I’m doing this entirely through calorie counting.   I need to cut the sweets and keep my resolve and self-control up, it’ll be Christmas before we know it and that is feasting season.  Even eating less and being careful, I doubt I’ll do any better than STS, so I need to do all I can to get it down before then.

Ho ho ho.

Back to life, back to reality

I’ve been back just over a week – we got back last Thursday.  It was a great holiday (British Columbia, Washington State and Oregon).  We caught up with friends in BC – and made some more friends – at the beginning and end of the 2.5 week holiday and travelled around Washington and Oregon in between – lots of wine tasting.  I was pretty good with food – I just stopped eating when the portions were big and I continually asked myself whether I was enjoying/still enjoying it.  If I wasn’t, I stopped.  Sounds soooo simple, doesn’t it?  Actually, it was quite hard.  And we pretty much drank every night (except a couple of nights when I was driving us back to whichever hotel, whereas usually I only drink one night a week (because of the calories).  Not much sweet stuff though – the desserts were generally not tempting enough and/or I was too full. 

I didn’t take the bigger pair of jeans because I weighed my case and it was WAY overweight (sigh, even my CASE is bloody overweight).  In fact, I couldn’t even pick the case up to weigh it, so I panicked and took stuff out.  The two pairs of jeans I took were absolutely fine.  I was nervous to wash them when we got home in case I then couldn’t get them on, but, well, they needed washing since I pretty much wore jeans the whole time I was there – with just a few of the hotter days in a linen skirt.  But again, it was fine.

Even so, I was dreading getting on the scales.  Well, you would, wouldn’t you.  Gloomily, I predicted 7-10lbs.  So I was VERY pleasantly surprised to have ‘only’ put on 2.5lbs from the day before we went, and a total up of 4lbs from my lightest weight (on this diet), at the beginning of that week.  Of that, I have lost a little (1.5lbs).  BUT.  (And there always is a but, unfortunately).  I have had a second fill.  That means I’ve been on fluids only for three days.  I thought this would give me a sharp loss (I’d really like to get into the next stone bracket down) but I’ve not lost so much as an ounce.  Rude.  Today I’m on soft food (and will be for three days), but will have eaten a bit over my calorie count of 1000.  The last couple of days have been c780-ish.  I’m still under when you count my exercise (which is just walking), so I’m trying not to worry about it.

Another thing I’m trying not to worry about is brunch with friends on Sunday.  We don’t get to see them much so no way was I going to pass up on the opportunity, but a) I’m still on soft food and b) calories.  I don’t like English cooked breakfasts in any case, so easy to resist that.  I have looked at the menu, intending to have yoghurt and granola or porridge.  Well, they don’t have that.  I’m going to go for an omelette with cheese, mushrooms and herbs.  I think that will be okay in terms of getting it down with no drama involved.  Not too sure about calories but I’ll just have to be careful with my other meal.  Fingers crossed I see a (downward) shift on the scales soon.

Have good weekends!

Wrong direction

Okay, I’ve been sulking.  I’m stuck on a plateau, putting on and taking off again the same sodding lb.  This means when it’s off, I’m ½lb off getting in to the next stone down and when it’s on, it’s impossible.  In the last month I’ve lost 2lbs.  Even for a birthday month, that’s pretty poor.  This morning another chubby lb joined it – I am going in the wrong direction.

I’m kind of torn.  On the one hand, my surgeon said I’d lose 3lbs in the first three months (I haven’t).  Then the company say most people lose the most weight in the second year, once the right fill level is established.  Since I’m failing at the first, I’m hoping for the latter – although I’d rather take some more weight off in the next nine months please.  I am not good at waiting at the best of times.

Of course there’s always a risk that you get what you wished for.  My next fill is the Tuesday after we get home from holiday.  I have to go back on liquids and then mush following that in any case.  If the fill suddenly kicks in, I may not be able to eat much. 

Still, as that comes after the holiday, it might be a relief.  I am absolutely determined to not wreck everything in the course of two and a half weeks, but I know I will be eating differently and drinking more.  Incidentally, is it acceptable to share a main course in the US?  It’s just that I reckon if I ate a third of a pasta dish, say, and gave P two thirds, that would be about right for both of us – but if this is considered rude, I will have to accept wasting a lot of food in some of the more everyday places we’ll eat (we’re going to a couple of nice restaurants in Walla Walla, one of which we’ve been to before, and their serving sizes are fine).   I really hate the feeling of being overly full – and I need to remember that when greed kicks in, if something is delicious.  I’m thinking of the amazing diner in Cle Elum where their mac and cheese is delicious but larger than a family size portion from, say, M&S.  And it comes with garlic bread!  P had meatloaf there and it came with the amount of carrots you would give a large family with a roast.  I’ve never seen so many carrots on one plate!  They’re famous for pie (the pudding kind), but does anyone make it that far?  I can’t imagine so!

I’m running on 90% nervous energy.  I have a lot to do before leaving tomorrow.  I absolutely don’t know if it will all fit, as I can’t make my brain stop panicking for long enough to have any sort of coherent thought.  If only I were someone for whom nervous energy and stress translated into a metabolism running at warp speed.  If only…

Assuming I don’t successfully claim asylum in Canada, or am taken down with the whole of the US (although West Coast has to be pretty safe, right) in a Trump-related incident, see you in October.  Fatter, I know, but determined to get on and lose that weight and more.

Consequences

I lived well – but not too well.  I definitely didn’t eat more than a third of things I wanted to.  I would say I ate like a ‘slim person’ but only if that person was eaten alive by jealousy when looking at her husband’s portion of fish and chips versus her own.  With further thought, I am retracting that plaudit!  I also had one instance where I overate – P had made his carbonara on my actual birthday, and I absolutely love his carbonara.  I told him to give me a small portion – when it arrived, I knew it was too big, really, I could have taken a third out and it would have been about right.  And then I ate three small macarons – really because I didn’t know how to count them MFP the following day.  Obviously not a good reason.  Anyway, I felt really, really ill.  This is a salutary lesson for our trip to US and Canada.  Ideally, I eat roughly half a UK portion – I think it will be closer to a quarter in the US and probably Canada too.  I really don’t want to feel that ill again.  I do hope these are not famous last words and I remember the (hours of) pain…

I steeled myself to get on SoD on Tuesday to start afresh.  I didn’t manage this every day of the weekend, as I should have done, mainly because I didn’t want the feelings of failure and misery which attack me when the scales go up, to spoil the weekend.  I anticipated as much as a half stone, just to prepare myself for the worst.  Reader, it was a single lb on.  Now, clearly I’ve dodged a bullet – or at least I have for now.  Not yet convinced that it won’t come back and bite me on my lardy arse.  So WI this week was still +1lb.  I’m still teetering just above the next stone bracket down.  I’d love to get there before my holiday (in two weeks’ time).  You know, Reader, how gratifying it is to see a stone down on the old SoD.

I have a couple of social things in the next couple of weeks – one should be okay, the other is potentially a tricky one.  The first is dinner with P tonight.  We’re going to a fish restaurant so it will be a modest affair (in terms of calories) – we usually have a seafood platter between us.  I will have a glass of wine though – and we’re meeting in a bar first, but over the course of the week, this is a manageable ‘splurge’ I think,  and I am at least doing quite a bit of walking today.  The other is the Harry Potter afternoon tea (I KNOW!) with one of my best friends.  Cakes and sarnies are not compatible with a diet at all.  It’s just before the next but one WI too, so is likely to skew my result.  As ever though, it means battling my ‘perfect’ versus ‘nothing’ approach: that really, really strong temptation that, since I’m not ‘doing it’ a bit, I may as well not ‘do it’ at all.  It causes me a ridiculous amount of mental anguish – it’s a constant refrain going through my head and it’s exhausting.  Even my fish supper tonight is tempting me to have something naughty today – as I won’t be able to fill out my MFP diary.  It doesn’t help that trying to wrestle a very drunk husband into bed last night, means I have not had anywhere NEAR enough sleep that I need and I’ve not slept well at all this week anyway.  So I want chocolate.  And I so want chocolate.  Deep breaths.  And there are cookies in the office – not ones I like, admittedly, but I so want one.  Or two.  This is why I need to just take deep breaths.  So.  Tired.

Ups and downs

I have been grimly hanging on by my fingernails. Because I know I am having this week ‘off’, I have been overwhelmingly tempted to start early.  My inner voice has been driving me mad, ‘you might as well’, ‘why not’, ‘what difference does it make’.  I have hung on but it’s been really tough.

I had an official loss of 2lbs last week – and since then I’ve lost another 1lb.  I almost didn’t get on the scales this morning as I had a pretty indulgent lunch yesterday with a friend and was afraid to see the result – even a longer walk and a very careful breakfast and dinner would not save me, I thought.  So I was very surprised – and delighted – to see 1lb off.  I’m hovering just above a stone drop – you know how tantalising that is, I know.

I think I am going to try and still weigh myself every day – even with this weekend of hedonism.  I hope it will keep the planned treats from sliding into a weekend of gluttonous excess.  And work is not great at the moment and I’m trying not to leap from planned hedonism into crazy and chaotic comfort eating.  I am not a brave person and I will find the daily encounter with SoD terrifying.  I will have to force myself into it and I will feel anxious beforehand and probably depressed afterwards!  Still, I have Tuesday off and will use that to leap aboard the wagon with nary a backward glance.  It would be nice to be in the next bracket down before holiday (3 weeks tomorrow) and I know I will have to lose the weekend weight.  And I know that post-holiday, I’ll be back up in this bracket again.  But still.

Actually my weight loss pattern – if there is one – is that I dip down, bounce up to where I was pre-dip and then have to put a few days in before getting consistently back to the dip.  Of course, all bets are off over this weekend.

And thanks for the jeans advice.  I think (all of) you are right.  I may even wear the uber-baggy pair to fly in as they’re so loose and comfortable.

All in the jeans

So, dear Reader, I want your advice.  Well, I always do, but this is very specific question.

Lesley asked about clothes.  I can’t say I’ve seen a massive difference (and I’m having one of my ‘stuck’ periods – which will move in the wrong direction post birthday).  I can fit – just - into a couple of skirts and dresses that I couldn’t before.  Of course this is nice, but I am definitely teetering here – a couple of lbs on and they would be too snug.

The biggest difference is jeans.  I’ve always worn jeans a size smaller than the rest of my clothes (and a good couple of sizes smaller than the comedy bosom allows) – not because I wear cystitis-risking super tight jeans, but for some reason, I always need to go down a size in jeans.  I had a favourite pair of jeans – they were Evans but they were lovely (yes, I’m shocked too).  Pale-ish denim girlfriend fit with navy embroidery on. Much nicer than it sounds.  They’re still okay-ish on the waist but the legs are ridiculously baggy.  Then I bought a pair from Boden to replace them – as far as possible –  in the same dress size.  They’re snug but they fit – I can do them up without having to lie on the bed and they feel okay.  Ditto same size plain, straight jeans from M&S.  Same size from Monsoon?  (I bought a pair with little silver stars on in the sale in a fit of ridiculous optimism)  Can’t even get them on properly, far less do them up.  Even far less breathe in them.  It’s very confusing – and worse, it dilutes the pleasure at getting down a size as there are these hangovers to a larger size.

But my question is this: in terms of packing for holiday, do I pack the Evans jeans?  I won’t be on a strict calorie controlled diet in Canada/US.  I will be trying to eat small portions (even by UK standards, by American standards it will be positively miniscule – and wasteful (middle class guilt)).  But still.  I go in three and a half weeks’ time.  I’m assuming I’ll be roughly this size/weight as I’ll put on over this weekend and then work at getting the weight off again.  I know that there’s a theory that would say taking the smaller jeans (not the Monsoon’s, obviously) would be way of forcing abstention  – but does that really work?  Or is it just a way to ensure misery (and crushing of internal organs!)?  What do you think?

Diet v fun

Now, where were we?

There is too much going on at the moment, it is making for a stressful dieting time.  So, the family evening out was not too bad – and thank you all for your interest/concern!  I managed to get to the far end of a rectangular table, next to my lovely sister-in-law and opposite my nieces – as far away from the evil SIL as possible.  She sat with my two brothers either side of her and flirted with them.  She was delighted with where she was.  It obviously all went too well, as my brother has invited us all to his for Christmas – and then chased when I hadn’t responded in a couple of hours.  Quite apart from it being FAR too early to talk about Christmas, you can imagine my horror!  This is one I absolutely have no intention of being bounced into, Arctic Cloudberry!  I think he’s trying to avoid having his wife’s family over as they are all appalling.  Last Christmas they – including his mother-in-law - all danced on my brother’s glass dining table, screaming at the tops of their lungs.  And broke it.  And as the chav-in-law HAS to surpass anything her sisters could do (which, to be fair, she is quite open about), each Christmas gets more and more over the top.  My brother has to redecorate, Fortnum hampers were bought for everyone attending and enormous trees were bought and tensions ran very, very high.  The girls were screamed at and reduced to tears (they begged to go to my mum’s), my brother was screamed at and huge fisticuffs broke out.  It sounds exactly what I never want to experience.

Anyway, we had my stepson and his girlfriend over for dinner on Saturday.  I drank very sparingly (and was proud of myself) but I ate too much.  I am not sure whether the band played a part – I’m assuming so, as it wasn’t huge amounts and I felt very, very unhappy and ill and full.  The band is hard to work out though as this is the only time I’ve felt anything from it.  But I’m taking that as a salutary warning as we descend into outright hedonism by this time next week.

My weight had gone down a pleasing amount, but I put on 3lbs over the weekend.  Meaning my loss for the week was 1lb.  I’m still not back to the weight I was at this time last week.  Sigh.

Tonight we are going to P’s cousin’s surprise party.  I definitely find that the more people there are at an event, the more stressed I feel about going.  Neither of us is particularly looking forward to this, admittedly, and by Friday we’re both pretty tired out.  We have to go south of the river in rush hour, which is going to be torturous, since we can only get there by car – it will take about an hour to travel what should be a 20 mins journey, but we have to be there in place by 7pm latest.  And it’s in a football themed venue.  Lesley will guess how thrilled I am about this.  Anyway, we’re going and will do so with good grace (outwardly at least!).  We won’t be drinking – and, if I can help it, I won’t be eating either.  I imagine there will be a buffet and this would be hard to calculate, calories-wise and not something worth postponing weight loss for.

Then on Sunday we’re going to friends for a barbeque.  This will be nice – and shouldn’t be too bad in terms of calories (it won’t be burgers and sausages, I understand it’s smoked chicken.  And salads) but I’ll be being careful.

Next week various birthday things start.  I’m really trying hard not to let it be the start of an avalanche, continuing up to the holiday (in 4 weeks’ time- but you know how these things can deteriorate if you (I) don’t keep a grip).  I have a lunch with a friend (and managed not to make it either dinner and cocktails or afternoon tea, so I’m quite pleased with myself, relatively), dinner at my mum’s on Thursday which will be her super-sharp lemon meringue pie and then we hit the weekend.  Friday we’re going for cocktails and dimsum at Yauatcha.  Saturday we’re going for tapas.  Sunday we’re going to the seaside and will have fish and chips (not sure how this might affect the band – will be a small portion).  Monday (my actual birthday) we’re just having local dim sum.  Dim sum and tapas are easier to have smaller portions of – there is some method here.  But, let’s face it, I’m going to put on weight.  I’m looking forward to the celebrations, but I’m determined to be disciplined in all other meals next week, to minimise the damage.

I’ve been meaning to post about clothes.  Will do that next week.

And yes, Arctic Cloudberry, family is what you define as family: this is a refrain of my husband’s – that it’s him and me and (mumbles) and sometimes my mum, depending on how she is behaving and how generous P is feeling.

Of food and family

I nearly posted yesterday – but I thought I’d wait for today for my official WI.  Had I posted yesterday, I’d have been 1lb lighter!  But as it is, I lost 2lbs last week which is a pretty solid loss.  Monday and Tuesday I was an additional lb down – so not quite sure why that suddenly went up this morning.  Hopefully it’s just a random blip.

I was feeling confident about the outlook right up to the bank holiday weekend – no social plans to trip me up.  So much for that!  Tomorrow I’m going out to dinner with both brothers, both sisters-in-law (one awful, one lovely), my mum and all three nieces (just my nephew missing).  Reader: I am dreading it.  I find large groups very daunting and difficult in any case (I was reading about social anxiety and…TICK).  And evil sister-in-law has to be the centre of attention at all times (and I am absolutely certain she suffers from narcissism which is a mental health illness so I do try to bear this in mind).  My brothers, whilst okay by themselves, revert to their teenage selves and just banter back and forth/insult each other for the whole time.  I am trying to focus on my lovely SIL, who my other brother and evil SIL are not very kind to, and my nieces, one of whom I don’t see very often as she lives in Cheshire.

It doesn’t help that it’s miles from me, deep into Kent (okay, not really that deep) – and I have to get back from there which will take a bit under two hours and involve most forms of public transport.  And a £20 taxi for part of it.

I remember the first time P met my family – and we were not so numerous then (although my father was present).  He couldn’t believe that neither my mum nor me had any presence at all. It’s like we weren’t there.  I think my dad said something bitchy about my mother and that was it.  I am not looking forward to tomorrow and it’s particularly annoying that it’s likely to scupper my diet, given how much I really don’t want to go.  I said I would though – and having had a go at getting out of it yesterday, now need to accept my fate.

And, we have P’s son and his girlfriend coming for dinner on Saturday.  P is cooking Thai/Malaysian (this is incredibly delicious).  As it happens, he’s made the beef rendang ahead of time – and has made it painfully spicy (4 tsp of chilli flakes!) so I won’t be able to eat that anyway!  There is also coconut rice, squash and onion curry and Singapore noodles (and the pork char sui in this is particularly tasty).  He usually makes enough to feed a football team, so we could be eating it for several days thereafter!  Although I can help myself to a small portion, I cannot begin to think how I calorie count this.  Luckily, P’s son (T) can probably eat as much as a football team.  When I had my fill, the nurse said to give myself the same size portion as you would an 8 year-old.   I am most familiar with T as an 8 year-old - and he could put away an astonishing amount of food.  He could eat an adult’s portion and a lot of my food too (he’d happily put away 8 roast potatoes, for example).  I don’t think this is what the nurse meant. 

And I’m making strawberry and Pimms trifle for dessert.  Additionally, this is usually a very boozy evening when we meet up with them.  I have only had a glass of wine twice since the op.  I don’t want to drink a load of calories, either.  But nor do I want to be a party pooper.  I think a strategy of sneakiness is required.

Fills and spills

I had a wary amount of saline in put in my band yesterday.  2ml.  So far so… not nauseous.  Touch wood, fingers crossed.  Ravenous, yes, but not (as yet) sick.  I think the next three days on liquids will pass very, very slowly.

Anyway, time for a status report from the beginning:

• In the pre-op diet (3 weeks) I lost 12lbs
• In the two weeks after the op I lost 13lbs (but then bounced up)
• In the last month I’ve lost about half a stone
• And from my WI this morning I lost 2 ½ lbs this week.
• So total since the very start, including the pre-op diet (beginning of June) is two stones (once you have a bit of bouncing about)

The surgeon said that for the first three months post-op, I was likely to lose a stone a month.  Well, he doesn’t know how pathetic my metabolism is - actually it’s been 1st 3lbs in a month and a half, so I’m not on track to do that (unless I drop 11lbs in the next fortnight, which seems … unimaginably ambitious).  And of course, the couple of weeks after the op has skewed my overall loss to an extent which I’m unlikely to ever experience again (and tbh, given that it was from being so ill, I’d rather not repeat).

My next fill would coincide with the start of my holiday.  They don’t recommend you fly within two weeks of a fill as the air pressure can cause your band to temporarily tighten.  If I’d pushed it, she would have done it, but given that she’s the pro, I’m sticking with her advice.  So no fill now until the second week of October.  I will have to rely on my famously shaky willpower, aided by MFP. 

My birthday is at the end of August and I’m planning on allowing myself some treats that weekend.  And a holiday in the US and Canada can mean some very unhealthy choices and considerably larger portions than I’m used to.  The wild card of course, is what impact this fill will have.  I’m assuming very little or none at all as it’s very rare to get the band to the right degree of restriction in a few months, let alone in the first instance.  A year – even two – is more likely.  But even if I won’t be calorie counting then, I want to relax but not go crazy.  Moderation is always a difficult thing for me to do, both mentally and physically. 

And the sad thing is that a frugal picnic whacked me up by a couple of pounds, so even being careful and sensible, I’m still going to come back home to Blighty considerably fatter.  I’m trying not to worry too much about it and adopt Lesley’s (sensible) advised philosophy that says that friends and food can be just as important as numbers on the scale.  And Seren’s advice about making the experience the central thing and food as incidental (I can try, at least!  Although I can’t quite get my head around that!).  Other than my birthday there is little in the diary between now and the holiday to impact on my losses.  Who knows where I’ll be by then.  Hopefully down a bit on today, even with a weekend off.  Crossing fingers again…

Snakes and ladders

Tomorrow sees my first “fill”.  An as-yet-unknown amount of saline will be injected into the ‘port’ buried in my stomach, from whence it (mysteriously – at least to me) travels to inflate the band and restrict the opening from my new upper stomach to my old stomach.  I imagine they will go pretty cautiously because of my extreme sickness when they put the band in. Getting the right level of fill is not easy and varies from person to person.  What they call the “sweet spot” is the point at which you are not hungry between meals and eat far smaller portions than a ‘normal’ person and consistently lose 1-2lbs a week (I’d like a bit more than that tbh – 2lbs+ is what I’m aiming for).  Too little in the band and you’re hungry, too much and you can’t get anything down, even well-chewed food.  In extreme cases, you can’t even swallow your own saliva, let alone eat anything.  All too often, people ask for a more substantial fill as they think they’ll lose weight more quickly that way and end up not being able to get anything past the band and bringing it back up – and then usually have to go back to have some fluid removed.  Not fun.

Obviously, to date I have no fill and thus no ‘restriction’ (there’s an entire vocabulary around this).  I’ve been sticking to my 1000 calories a day with varying degrees of hunger.  But I haven’t fully learnt the rules that need to be followed to successfully live with the band.  These revolve around eating small portions, slowly and chewed very well (so it doesn’t get stuck in the band opening), with a pause between bites.  I still eat too quickly and don’t chew enough, a lot of the time.  I also eat to the maximum of my calorie limit, rather than the rules which say you should eat from a side plate for no more than 20 minutes.  Sometimes I forget that you’re not allowed to drink (anything) 20 minutes before and 20 minutes after eating (and also whilst, obviously).  So, I have a lot of learning to do. 

I’m also happy to go with the nurse’s recommendation on how much to put in.  It’s tricky in that it could then take quite some time to get to the right point, which isn’t ideal as work aren’t thrilled about me leaving early and means a tougher than average time of it.  Tomorrow I have to leave work an hour and a half early.  I might be able to book lunchtime appointments as I think that might go down better with my boss.  I’ll have a better idea after tomorrow how long I will be there.  After the fill you have to wait and drink a glass of water which you need to be able to keep down.  Fills take place roughly every month I think (might be 5-6 weeks).  Then after each fill, you have to go back to liquids only for 3 days and mushy food for 3 days.

The bright side – apart from reaching that nebulous sweet spot at some point – is that even the 3 days on liquids should force at least a modest drop on the Scales of Doom.  The story so far: I dropped to the lowest weight since the op after being sick or about to be sick for the fortnight after the op.  Rehydration saw me put on 5lbs.  I’ve been inching back to that dehydration point and finally reached it at the beginning of last week.  Then I had two (restrained) evenings out and went sliding straight down a snake.  I’ve been pulling myself up a ladder painfully slowly, just to go back to that point.  I just about reached it this morning – but it’s wearying to not be making much progress.  Next week I am hoping to have a whoosh.  I’d better, three days on liquids is not going to be fun (since apparently ‘liquids’ does not include gin, wine or champagne).

The consequences of a social life

Yesterday was WI day.  It was slightly disappointing as it was higher than it had been – I STS (although for a few days I was 2lbs down).  I saw it leap up after my Wahaca dinner with my friend.  I’d calorie counted in advance, so it ought to have been okay.  In fact, I’d calorie counted for a particular option – and they had the same thing but as a salad (so no wrap and no tortilla chips).  It was new and I couldn’t find a calorie count, but it MUST have been lower.  

And yesterday I ate much more than I would usually at a picnic with a friend.  It was all pretty reasonable stuff – dips with crudites, cold meat, artichoke hearts and cherries – but I can’t remember the last time I felt that full.  I was dreading my morning meeting with SoD.  But I was the same as yesterday so, for that at least, I felt great relief.  I did walk a long way in the sun – I wasn’t going fast, but it was an hour and forty minutes with a very heavy bag.  Maybe that offset the extra food.

The (short lived) 2lb drop over the weekend at least reconciled me to my lunch at Wagamama.  I really, REALLY wanted pad thai, but I stuck to what I’d looked up as the lowest calorie choices, all the ‘starter’ dishes – salad, prawn ‘lollipops’ and chicken skewers.  Then we had my slow cooker chicken tikka masala in the evening, which was a calorie counted dish.  Unfortunately it was not chicken tikka masala: it was a pleasant tomato-y sauce, and I certainly put a lot of spices in it – but none of it came across.  I think it was because the recipe was American – and (no offense to Americans) the Brit idea of a curry is worlds away from the American version.  I went through my Pinterest recipes and deleted any American curries.  

Tomorrow I’m making another recipe in the slow cooker.  I’d really only ever used it for stews in the winter, but it’s excellent in this weather because it doesn’t kick out a fraction of the heat that an oven does.  It’s an American recipe – Hawaiian chicken – so I think it will be okay.  The Jambalaya was pretty good (rice cooking improvisation aside).  Fingers crossed….

Have a lovely weekend, dear Reader, and hope you’re managing to stay cool.The 

Adding up

Hello

Still here.  Still plugging away.  Still a bit confused with what I’m doing.  Essentially doing a calorie counted diet of 1000 calories a day.  Which is not entirely what I signed up for but I guess things will change when I have my first ‘fill’.  I’ll get advice there - as well as a band restriction - so I think it will be useful even if I don’t notice the restriction.  Apparently it can take quite a long time to hit upon what is called the ‘sweet spot’.  This means a point at which you have sufficient restriction to not feel hungry between meals and to be satisfied with a small portion.  Ironically, the only change I’ve noticed thus far, is that it’s hard to get some of my medication down – even cutting the pills in half (or, with one, in quarters).

Mostly, 1000 calories a day is fine.  What tends to cause problems is trying to combine that with any kind of social life – as every dieter ever knows.  Tomorrow we’re going to Wagamama for lunch – I’ve found the lowest calorie things, and I know what I’m having for dinner (chicken tikka masala in the slow cooker – never made it before) so I know what I have left in terms of calorie balance.  And it means no breakfast.  Which I’m sure will be fine.  Difficult but fine.  And at least I know.  

But Tuesday I’m meeting one of my best friends and we’re going to Wahaca.  Their lowest calorie thing is c550 calories – so that’s more than half of my total day’s calories.  And Wednesday I’m seeing a friend who is always keen on drinking.  I’ve suggested a picnic as I can at least control what I eat – and will probably try to have one of those little cans of G&T and hope she doesn’t notice how little I am eating/drinking.  But that one is incalculable in calorie terms.

Now, my social occasions don’t usually pile up like this – last time I met up with a friend was weeks ago (and certainly before the op).  But not being able to be in control and possibly (probably) exceeding my calories makes me feel very anxious.  And I know that being too black and white about it has led to problems before – a kind of ‘oh blow it’ mentality because I’ve ‘spoilt’ it, blotted my copy book - and it’s hard for me to get back to the discipline again.  I guess Wednesday will have to be an attempt to not go mad – and then not go mad when I see the Scales of Doom as a result.  And then pick up straight back on to the straight and narrow.  It’s not as if I can be a hermit – it’s nice to see people and not to see friends because of a diet seems ridiculously self-centred.  In a roundabout way, I’m saying that I need to learn to deal with the odd social engagement.

Anyway, the numbers.  You’ll remember I was essentially STS last week?  Well, I did a  whoosh and lost 3.5lbs this last week (Wednesday to Wednesday).  I guess that may be how it’s going to go for me.  Because since then, I’ve just stuck. SoD taunts me – it briefly flickers, registering a couple of lbs lower, and then settles back up.  It hates me.  I am sure it’s saying ‘take that, fatty’.  We’re in an abusive relationship and I can’t break it off.

Have good weekends everyone.

A grain of truth

I’m still getting my head around what it is I’m supposed to be doing.  At the moment, there is no fill in my band and so I am assuming that it is much like a “normal” stomach – just one sporting a fetching accessory.  I am continuing to use MFP to count my calories and I’m sticking to 1000 a day.  There is information in my booklet though, that talks about several things:

• A meal should be around 6 tbsp
• You should eat very small bites, chew very thoroughly and stop eating after 20 mins
• You must not drink anything with meals or for 30 mins before and after eating
• You need to eat ‘crunchier’ food to stimulate peristalsis in the upper section of the stomach (yes, like a cow, I now have two stomachs)
• If you are hungry between meals, you probably need a fill

I have joined a Whatsapp support group which is helpful – the women on there were appalled that anyone would say 6tbsp was enough food (phew).  I am doing the no drinking thing and trying to do the very thorough chewing – the latter is so that food doesn’t get stuck at the entrance to the bottom stomach.  Apparently this is a painful thing – and your body produces lots of saliva to try and wash the item through – but essentially you’re most likely to bring up both the stuck item and all the saliva.  I can live without experiencing this, so best to get in the habit now when it’s less of a risk.

I have my first fill on the last day of this month.  Hopefully I’ll get some more clarification then as I’m not clear whether counting calories is the right thing to do.

For instance, I made a Jambalya at the weekend (more of which later) and portioned it out into 6 portions which were 476 each…. So, tick for calorie counting.  But is the quantity too much?  I have no – what is called – restriction, so can eat more and will feel more hungry.  Is it insufficiently “crunchy” (laughs hollowly, see below…)?  I just don’t know.

The Jambalya.  Remember I said “hey presto”?  Not so much.  I had cross referenced with a few recipes – the one I mostly followed had many comments saying the rice was mushy.  Looking at other recipes, they advised turning the slow cooker up to high, adding the rice and cooking it for 40 mins.  Reader, I did this.  The rice was raw.  I gave it an hour.  It was still raw.  Crunchy… and raw.  Eventually I had to turf it all out of the slow cooker and whack up the heat in a casserole.  It was nice in the end but it was not a tranquil experience.  So, please learn from me: it takes a LOT longer than 40-60 mins to cook rice in a slow cooker.

Figures

Still having to try and hold my nerve.  At WI yesterday (I had to make it yesterday because I couldn’t compare with the previous Wednesday because of my STOLEN PHONE), I had lost ¼ lb.  Which I think we can all agree is really a STS.  And whilst STS is better than a gain, it most certainly is not a fair result for the work I’ve put in.  Also I’m stuttering at the point of a different stone bracket – and we all know how momentous that is.

I saw my mad Professor yesterday and told him about the dwindling losses.  He did say that a 5lb gain could result from dehydration – if I was really, really dehydrated, which I am certain I was.  He also gave me the glass half empty news that with my stunted metabolism, the more weight I lose, the harder the weight will be to lose.  I’m trying not to think about this too hard as it’s too depressing.  If I can’t succeed now, there’s no hope for me.

In the meantime, I am sticking to my 1000 calories a day, all entered with the determination of a zealot on MFP.  It does help keep me on the straight and narrow.  As of this weekend, I can start to add “texture” to my diet.  This means food that will stop at the banded bit of my stomach (above the band) and go through it more slowly. I am kind of transitioning towards that by having soup with chunks in it – and I’d made a dhal that was, modesty aside, pretty delicious.  And I have some pasta tonight.  But I need to have things like salad (which, fortunately, I love) and Ryvita (they’re flipping obsessed with Ryvita).  At this stage I need to be mindful of their rules – don’t eat for longer than 20 mins, don’t continue to eat if you’re full (and being full is a different feeling with a band – higher up), chew everything to puree consistency, pause before your next mouthful, bear in mind that some may not go down and don’t drink with your meal or for half an hour before and after (the water tends to swill food down too fast).  I have just eaten some cherries and I can feel that something is stuck – the skin most likely.  There is always the risk (and the worry) that if you can’t get something down, it will, well, come back up.  I’m hoping this bit of cherry skin gets a move on…  And that I can swill it down with water.

Things I’m worried I will never eat again:

• Fresh bread – not boring sliced bread, but really fresh wholemeal or cheesy bread;
• Cream tea
• Pizza

You’ll notice that they are all bready (as well as super-delicious).  Apparently bread can cause a problem for some bandits (yeah, I know).  They’re also things I have very, very rarely – for instance I might have one cream tea a year – or even less often than that.  But it is a shining pinnacle of loveliness and I wouldn’t want to never have one again.  Maybe I’ll be one of the people who can tolerate these things.  They do say that you might try something one day and not be able to get it down, but be able to get it down another time (or vice versa).  Tbh, I don’t really have multiple occasions to have a cream tea…. But there we go.  I’ll find out at some point.

This weekend I am cooking a jambalaya.  I spent a lot of time when I was so ill pinning things on Pinterest – I didn’t even feel well enough to read for long, but I could look at pics.  I pinned a lot of recipes and this was one I can do in our slow cooker.  I am a massive fan of the slow cooker – but we mainly use it in the winter for beef stew or coq au vin.  I have never had a jambalaya but it sounds like a saucy paella (ooh missus).  I need some sauciness to help the food go down (especially the chicken in it – and possibly the peppers and sausage as they (obviously) have skin on them).  I can put it on tonight, we’re going for an urban walk tomorrow and I can come back, warm it through and put the remaining ingredients in it – and hey presto, dinner.

Update on the fall: I can’t touch one side of my face so only one side has make up on (both have eye make up however as that would be weird).  I kind of look like the phantom of the opera but vertically, rather than horizontally.  I do have a bruise but it just looks like I went to sleep on a newspaper – that sort of level.  My left knee is also a problem.  I can now walk okay – it just twinges a bit – but stairs, especially down, are still quite painful.  My commute consists of more stairs than I’d previously noticed. 

Things can only get better

 It’s not been a good couple of weeks:

• Nausea and sickness for a fortnight
• Weight still going up
• My phone stolen
• And then this morning on my way in to work, I stumbled and fell, face first, onto the concrete.  The damage is mostly to my left cheekbone which is busily  growing in size and my left knee.  I’m hoping the knee is just stiff and will right itself.  My right knee hurts- as do my wrists but it’s much more manageable.  I am quite literally falling asleep at my desk and I’m hoping it’s just because of being tired and the adrenalin depletion, rather than concussion .  I hope it’s only that – and I’m hoping that falling onto my left cheekbone means it can’t be concussion.

But if I make a lot of mistakes and/or make no sense in this posting, do please forgive me.

In the past  - the recent past as well as some way back – I would definitely have consoled myself with some chocolate.    But I can’t. Well, I might be able to physically but I definitely shouldn’t.  Especially with my weight at best stalling and at worse going up .  It’s WI tomorrow and it’s not looking good.

Still blipping not getting anywhere

It’s been longer than I wanted to post.  There is no sinister reason… Well, actually that’s not true.  There are two sinister reasons.

No1: I had my phone stolen on my commute to work on Tuesday and it’s taken a long time to sort out a replacement (not to mention a lot of money).  It was quite an old iphone so I cannot imagine why anyone wanted it (other than me) and it was fingerprint protected so I assume they can’t get into it anyway.  But I was really upset – people are just awful.

No2: you know how when people don’t post because things aren’t going so well with the diet?  *waves madly*.  In the last 10 days I have put ON 7lbs.  Hazel, Seren and Lesley: you are all correct – I hope – that this is a blip in a downwards trajectory….  But… I know I’m only on c600 calories a day so I really, REALLY think it’s unfair. 

I tend to go into a slump when this happens.  Not that I can eat anything solid yet – I’m supposed to be on the puree/soft/mushy food from tomorrow, increasing the solidity (is that even a word?) over the next fortnight.  I’m in fact so well after that interminable bout of nausea, I have started to have soup with bits in (you’re supposed to be having only smooth blended, thin soup for the first two weeks).  As I’m on my third week, normally I’d expect to be on the mush stage but did a bit longer on the liquid phase so I’m kind of easing my way in to it.

I am hungry but am likely to be at least until my first fill at the end of July – and even then they’re going to go at a very cautious pace, given the problems I had initially so it might take some time to feel what they call ‘restriction’, which is when I lose most sensations  of hunger and am satisfied with a very small amount of food.  I’m going to keep calorie counting regardless, aiming for 1000 calories a day.  Once I’m on proper food that is, it would be very difficult to get to 1000 cals on a liquid diet without breaking all the rules (ie I could eat chocolate or ice cream which just slips through…). 

Enjoy the sunshine this weekend – I have a dress rehearsal and then a choir performance which will be all of Saturday stuck in a church.  And the music is terrible so it’s utterly unenjoyable. I hope your weekends are more fun