Choose Life

Today is a starve day.  But.  I had my 212 cal soup at lunchtime and then someone bought cakes as it was their leaving day.  I had an éclair – 306 cals.  It was delicious and I can’t regret it but I’m now left with no calories in the bank until tomorrow!  I’m going to try and tough it out and not have anything until then.  I feel slightly shaky just thinking about the concept of no food from 12.30pm today until c10am tomorrow.  But it must be possible and I will feel better at the end of it if I can achieve this (although admittedly unlikely along the way).

So the other day I was talking to P about the honeymoon.  I was bouncing a bit (verbally)
Me: “I can’t WAIT”
Him (cagily): “Mmmmm”
Me: “WHAT?  We’ve looked forward to this for ages!”
Him: “Yes but if you’re freaking out about how you look and what you’re wearing you’re going to be miserable.”
Me: Stunned silence.

He was, of course, right.  Very perceptive.  I think I said that he had a point but that too many events had gone past which I hadn’t enjoyed because I felt bad about myself and I wasn’t going to let this happen – I was going to accept where I was and get on with the business of life.  I even meant it.  I don’t suppose it will be that easy but you know what?  I faced my worst nightmare and survived – I was a fat bride.  I’m not happy about it but I’m resigned to it and although it stings a bit, I still had an amazing day. 

It doesn’t mean that I’m giving up on the dieting – I will always strive to be slimmer and almost certainly be unhappy with my weight, size and appearance –but I’ve been waiting for almost all my life.  Waiting to be what I consider to be acceptable (society would have me even thinner I think) before I did things or enjoyed them.  My honeymoon is not going to be blighted by that attitude.  I’ll make the best effort I can – both in advance in sticking to the diet and in taking care with my appearance as best I can for each occasion.  And then I have to let the flipping worry and shame just go and get on with living.