Friday, 10 May 2013

Yorkshire pudding

I haven’t posted for a while.  I sometimes think I must sound a complete misery and I was told that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
So I haven’t.
But the truth is that the weight issue is really getting me down.  I’ve reached the point where it keeps me awake at night, I’m so frightened that I’m going to get back to pre-LL days.  It’s all thrown into sharp relief because I’m buying lots of stuff of ebay for the holiday and of course, it’s a lottery to know whether it’s going to fit or not.  Every time something doesn’t fit me, a bit of me dies.  Not, sadly a physical bit.  I reckon I have more clothes that don’t fit me than do.  And even less that make my heart sing.  Pauses.  Actually I’m not sure I currently own anything that makes my heart sing.  I’m not sure I ever feel comfortable meeting my own eye in a mirror, but it’s got a lot worse recently.  I just went to pick up a balldress I’m having altered and the fear and humiliation of getting it on and off and having people look at me made my heart pound so much I thought I was going to pass out.  And I have to go back – it’s still too long and the straps they put on are too long.  They’re going to make me put it on again, I know it.
It’s not that I’ve dived headfirst into a vat of doughnuts.  I can’t dive and I wouldn’t want to wear a swimsuit in any case.  I’m still doing pretty damn well at my starve days (I don’t enjoy them, they are a slog and an effort but I do them) although I do suspect I am eating too much on non-starve days so that’s something to cut right back on.  But as tough as the starve days are, I am pretty sure I’m not getting any slimmer.  Those too-tight summer skirts I want to take on the honeymoon?  They’re still too tight.  I go in a fortnight.
So, now I will balance this gloom with some good stuff.  I go on honeymoon in a fortnight!  And last weekend we spent the weekend and fell in love.  Obviously not with each other as that happened a long time ago, but with York.  We stayed in friends’ family flat which was about 8 minutes walk from the centre so we could pop in and out to meet friends, grab a coffee, shop... oh, anything.  The restaurant that Seren recommended STILL wasn’t open but I am now convinced that it is in fact a front to a nefarious and possibly supernatural clandestine operation.  So, probably not a good place to try and book for dinner.  We went to a not very good Italian but it was a lovely setting and it was a very nice evening getting to know P’s friend and his girlfriend, both of whom are lovely.  We now want to move to York – anyone need a good press officer in York? 
This weekend I’m working on Sunday and we’re going to a family lunch tomorrow for P’s mother’s birthday.  Then only one weekend (in Suffolk) and we’re off!  Ready or not (and currently I’m not) here we come...


Seren said...

You do make me laugh...I love the idea that it is the headquarters of some nefarious otherworld gang, like something out of a Neil Gaiman novel...

But some of this post made me sad as well - mainly because I can relate to so much of it. I can't remember the last time I wore something that made my heart sing, or I looked at myself with anything other than...disgust is too strong, but, certainly, sadness. I hope BOTH of us, when we think about it, realise that we have far more going for us and are defined by far more than a body that is bigger than we would wish. But it is so difficult.

Whatever happens, per your previous post, you must enjoy your honeymoon - or the vampyres of J Baker will surely hunt you down and throw bread rolls at you.


Lesley said...

Ey up sweets. Glad you had a great weekend oop north!

I too always feel sad when you write about your despair about your weight. I wish you could see yourself as I saw you when came up for those weekends in the Peaks and as your readers all "see" through your wit and clever writing.

Lesley xx