Today is a starve day. But. I had my 212 cal soup at lunchtime and then someone bought cakes as it was their leaving day. I had an éclair – 306 cals. It was delicious and I can’t regret it but I’m now left with no calories in the bank until tomorrow! I’m going to try and tough it out and not have anything until then. I feel slightly shaky just thinking about the concept of no food from 12.30pm today until c10am tomorrow. But it must be possible and I will feel better at the end of it if I can achieve this (although admittedly unlikely along the way).
So the other day I was talking to P about the honeymoon. I was bouncing a bit (verbally)
Me: “I can’t WAIT”
Him (cagily): “Mmmmm”
Me: “WHAT? We’ve looked forward to this for ages!”
Him: “Yes but if you’re freaking out about how you look and what you’re wearing you’re going to be miserable.”
Me: Stunned silence.
He was, of course, right. Very perceptive. I think I said that he had a point but that too many events had gone past which I hadn’t enjoyed because I felt bad about myself and I wasn’t going to let this happen – I was going to accept where I was and get on with the business of life. I even meant it. I don’t suppose it will be that easy but you know what? I faced my worst nightmare and survived – I was a fat bride. I’m not happy about it but I’m resigned to it and although it stings a bit, I still had an amazing day.
It doesn’t mean that I’m giving up on the dieting – I will always strive to be slimmer and almost certainly be unhappy with my weight, size and appearance –but I’ve been waiting for almost all my life. Waiting to be what I consider to be acceptable (society would have me even thinner I think) before I did things or enjoyed them. My honeymoon is not going to be blighted by that attitude. I’ll make the best effort I can – both in advance in sticking to the diet and in taking care with my appearance as best I can for each occasion. And then I have to let the flipping worry and shame just go and get on with living.