Thursday, 13 May 2010

The long and whinging road

In my ‘real’ life, I find it very difficult to talk about things that upset me. I literally choke on the words. I am a very archetypal buttoned up, repressed, stiff-upper-lipped Brit. I find it so much easier to ‘talk’ on here. Sometimes I worry that if I moan on here, no-one will read it and – worse – that they’ll be rolling their eyes at my tedious self-indulgence. But I’ve decided that not even I can be so absurdly people-pleasing that I deny myself the relief of unburdening myself here – metaphorically unbuttoning and letting my flab hang out, if you will. Don’t worry, I won’t leave you with that image! But I apologise, dear Reader, if this is just too damn irritating for words.

Are there any occasions more mentally torturous than a real rub-your-nose-in-it shopping session? Last night I went to look for an outfit for Naughty R’s wedding in case I either a) couldn’t squeeze into the outfit I had in mind and/or b) it was so bloody freezing that a short sleeved jacket would essentially be committing suicide by hypothermia. I can’t really afford anything new but I did feel that a boost from feeling that I looked good in a new frock would be the sort of lift I need right now.

Well, you know what they say about best laid plans? Something about them going awry for mice and men apparently. And women too, it would seem. I tried on 7 dresses in John Lewis and 3 in Debenhams. I can honestly say that I looked absolutely ghastly in every single one. Most of them were too tight to do up, a couple got wedged around my hips. And that was in a size 18. I usually wear a 16 but am clearly kidding myself. And it followed a ghastly day too – it was the cherry AND the icing on that particular poisoned cupcake. Shouldn’t shopping be fun?

It was utterly, utterly soul-destroying; I wanted to cry – and then eat chocolate and then cry a bit more, repeat, ad lib to fade... I ended up by saying “Well, let’s go and eat – you can do that at any size”. And that sums it up.

It really – brutally – rammed home, rubbed my nose in it, that I am a fat bird. It doesn’t matter that I am two stone lighter than my heaviest weight (and sadly, 2 stone heavier than my lightest – felt every ounce of that), it doesn’t matter how much running and cycling and walking I do or how many salads I eat or how many times I don’t have the chocolate or the cake or the sweets or whatever it is, I am fat, fat, fat. And my (lack of) progress means that I might never be anything else, no matter how hard I try.


Call me Ishmael said...

Ahhhh Peridot. Let me hasten to assure you that you can absolutely whinge with impunity here -- that's what blogs are for.

You're a tough bird, I say. Tough on yourself -- although I totally know where you are coming from. Shopping is torture for me too; I'd rather chop my arms off than go look for a new jacket (ok, a wee exaggeration, but if you saw the things I tramp around in rather than go buy new items, you'd be appalled).

I notice you sort of skipped over the fact that you are two stone lighter than you were at your about some kudos for that? Maybe things aren't exactly as you'd like them now, but they're not the worst they've ever been, right? You're fighting the good fight. And I'd wager you look much better than you think you do.

Not glossing over the shopping trauma at all - believe me, I relate 100 percent. But shopping outings are like pictures -- they're just a snapshot of where you are at a particular moment. Granted, it's a bit unpleasant if you don't like where you are, but it's just one progress point on your journey -- you're still going places.

Shopping gets in my head like nothing else (probably why I avoid it). I hope you can shake this off, put it in it's place in the grand scheme of your life, and go off and have a fabulous wedding. I am totally convinced that you are nothing short of lovely, and will look smashing no matter what you wear.

Claire said...

Woah there Leslie! Ok, I'll let you be annoyed at your size at the mo...because that's a personal thing but thinking you'll never do it?

Me and you both suffer from arseybodyitis in that our bodies don't act like normal ones. If we eat less it doesn't always mean we lose weight.

That is extremely annoying! BUT it's not ALWAYS the case..some days, some weeks we can sneak in some weight loss. We can both get there but it is harder.

That is extremely annoying too..but are you going to let it beat you? Fight arseybodyitis! Hey we should start a charity or something.


Linz M said...

I know where you are coming from. I find trying anything on so disheartening - plus dresses always look awful when you don't have all the right accessories to try them on with (heels - or Spanx in my case!)

Don't think you can never do this - because you have shown you can. You're 2 stone lighter than you have been - thats something to be proud of surely??

I've lost a sum total of 3 pounds this year, so I know how difficult it can be, but I have to keep believing I can do it otherwise I'll end up back where I was last year - and some.

Don't give up x

Curlygirl said...

Oh chickadee. I don't think there is a single woman alive who hasn't been on that shopping trip. I remember once actually kicking the door off a fitting room in Debenhams on Oxford Street, in a fit of rage and humiliation.
But don't turn that anger in on yourself. You couldn't try harder Peridot - it is an unfortunate fact that there are some people who work their butts off and eat a modest, well balance diet, and their bodies still hold onto their weight. It isn't cos they are lazy, or wicked or greedy - it's cos somewhere along the line, the chemistry has got all screwed up.
Lots of loves and hugs your way gorgeous girl.