Saturday, 14 November 2009

Progress report

That should read lack of progress report...

Days cycling - 2/3-4 (blame the weather - as it was I cycled home practically underwater on Thursday)
Number of Circuit of Hell - 2/3
Days happy with eating - 0
Number of skirts fitting - 4 (just)
Number I look good in - 0
Weight lost this week - 0
Number of readers surprised by this - 0

I am still mojo-less. Every day I think it's going to be different but every day it isn't. Every day I plan out my menu and every day I eat too much (chocolate). Every day I go to bed loathing myself and swearing that tomorrow will be different. It isn't.

I seem to be able to count out 12 peanut M&Ms (c100cals) into a plastic box from home to take to work, to break a dark chocolate bar into squares (c50 cals) and wrap each into cling film to put in the fridge and nibble at one a night. What I absolutely cannot do is have any sense of perspective or discipline at work. I buy a multi pack of curly wurlys for my desk drawer (110 cals) and eat two. I think I may have even eaten three on one occasion. I KNOW I can't buy M&Ms at work or I'm incapable of eating half a bag. And if anyone brings in cakes/flapjacks/mince pies/sweets (almost every day at the moment) I'm the first one there. I know I should be ashamed and embarrassed - and I am, but it doesn't stop me. And I'm constantly thinking of what's left, whether I can have more. Even how long I have to wait until the next snack and what I could have in the interim (a cappuccino? Surely that would be okay? I am tired, I need the caffeine etc etc).

It all seems so futile at the moment and I know that even if I managed to lose some weight before Christmas (and that would be s-l-o-w as ever), I'd simply pile on even more over Christmas. My weight is slowly edging up, not down - I lose a bit, go away or there's Christmas or something and I put on more than I lose and so I start the whole process at a higher weight than before. It's depressing, it's exhausting just thinking about it and it's very, very scary.


Call Me Ishmael said...

Question for you -- how would you feel about changing your goal for the next six weeks until holiday season is over? What if your made your goal not to gain any weight during this challenging time? Would it help to put the focus there for a bit and not on losing?

I don't know that it's any kind of a solution. Am just throwing it out there to chew on (yes, totally lame pun I know).

Alice said...

I'm so sorry you feel this way Peridot! If it's any (scant) comfort, you are most definitely not alone. I am struggling enormously at the moment, and bingeing constantly. I am wondering at the moment whether I should stop thinking about controlling my eating and instead focus only on exercise, and try to do more than usual.

Good luck, and I'm thinking of you!

Lainey. said...

Hello Peridot

I know how you feel. Really, I do. The feelings are overwhelming and the burden of carrying them, and the effort of hiding them can be enormous.

Forget about Christmas and goals and dates. How about you try and get through one day eating like a 'normal' person. Have some chocolate and a slice of cake - just don't go nuts.

You're putting so much pressure on yourself... not cool, missus.