Friday, 27 November 2009

Genie in a bottle or fairy godmother required: apply within

If I had one wish, it would be to be able to eat what I wanted and not put on weight. Hell, yes, if I got three I’d wish for beauty and wealth. But not to have to constantly think about or beat myself up about food would transform my life.

As it is, I plucked up the courage to weigh myself today and I’m back to just post-holiday weight – I put on 10lbs when I went away, lost 5lbs and have now put them back on.

I tried very hard to be upbeat about it – this morning I told myself that this was good, that it was a wake-up call, that if I hadn’t changed much or (HA, HA!) lost anything with the amount of sugary crap that I’ve been eaten, it wouldn’t be good for me mentally. I kind of ultimately caught myself out at my own bluff though and am feeling sort of kicked and defeated. Which is absurd as it’s me who’s been doing the kicking! With a boot made of Haribo. Haribo, Ishmael – they’re chewy jelly sweets and the type I go crazy for are covered in what looks like sugar but is actually a sort of sour/sweet stuff. And what could I imagine them to be, Debbie, that’s worse than they actually are? Which is boiled up horse bones and hooves and chemicals – I mean, seriously, yuck! And yet... Thanks for the idea though – I need all the help I can get and am always very grateful for ideas/tips/whatever.

So I need to pare back my menu, how does this sound?

Breakfast – kind of do this in 2 halves, first is a small bowl of porridge oats made with 2/3 low fat soya milk and 1/3 water, dsp toasted flaked almonds and tsp honey at home. Then when I get to work (I’m always starving then) 100g 2% fat Greek yoghurt with tsp honey.
Mid morning – 4 walnuts, portion of fruit
Lunch – half a carton of soup, one small homemade seedy bread roll (satsuma size) and 1 triangle low fat Laughing Cow cheese, curly wurly (110cals)
Mid afternoon – 11 peanut M&Ms, (110cals) portion of fruit
Dinner – salad or fish and veg or an Innocent veg pot or M&S low cal ready meal, portion of fruit and square dark choc

What do you think? I've done Circuit of Hell three times this week but haven't cycled - I won't be able to at all next week either. It doesn't help.

On other matters, having half-heartedly watched Twilight and found it to be compelling (I think it was all the repressed passion – it’s a killer. And possibly floppy hair.) I’m now reading the books from the anonymity of my Sony Reader. If I were a teenage girl, I would be obsessed. As it is, I’m riveted. Absurdly so. I share Bella’s pallor and clumsiness but I do by no means identify with her. And not just for obvious reasons. Had I had so many boys interested in me I would have been pathetically grateful and said yes to the first one. Which would make me a poor heroine for a story. Which made me realise, with some sadness, that I would never be the heroine anyway; I am definitely ‘the friend’. You know, the one who’s not pretty, not brave, not clever, not anything other than the perfect foil to show up the superior beauty/nature /character of the heroine. I know we’re essential to the plot - we’re the bread in the smoked salmon sandwich - but oh, to be the one that things happen to rather than the one who listens to the one who things happen to.


Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

Don't give up on yourself...First, the Twilight stuff: You have nothing on some people (who are NOT teenage girls, BTW). Please see a few posts ago. There were Twilight scenes played out with the author's newly purchased Twilight action figures. The woman who did this is over 40.

I have been where you are many times, trying to loosen the choke-hold certain sugary foods had/have on me. It is so incredibly hard to break the vicious cycle. I have played the weigh-in bargaining game with myself, too, promising myself that I wouldn't get upset by the read-out on the scale, but then being crushed by what it showed anyway. And then, made a beeline to the kitchen or The Cheesecake Factory, thinking "What's the point?"

In reality, I'd be willing to bet you aren't nearly as "weak" as you portray yourself to be. It's the damn sugar and other foods that are keeping you locked in the cycle. For months during the summer I survived almost exclusively on Starbucks apple fritters, Caramel Macchiatos, and McDonald's. I NEEDED them, and I although I could tell you all the horrific things they were made from, it didn't stop me. I was a sugar and fat junkie.

You DO have it in you, and you are not just the bread of a sandwich. You CAN kick Haribo to the curb (it sounds a bit like a toddler saying "horrible"! haha). The change may start coming about when you want better for yourself...and sometimes it takes a day (or more) like the one you've had to gather the courage to start again.

You can do it.

Lesley said...

SNap!! I just bought the first Twilight book on the recommendation of my 20 year old niece!! Haven't started it but I will and no doubt I will love it!

Food also a bit rubbish for me but, as you say, it's the knowing and doing something about it that counts.

It seems as though you have to do something about Haribo - would a public sticker and sign telling you to keep out placed next to the pack work for you???

Lesley xx

Alice said...

Poor Peridot! Unfortunately I don't have any words of wisdom to share... all I can offer is that I know EXACTLY how you feel, my heart just goes out to you. I am also having an absolutely crap time of it lately. My eating has been beyond atrocious, my weight has ballooned. Honestly you are doing much much better than me, so take heart, it could be worse!

Sigh. We'll get there eventually. Good luck. x