An exercise in futility

So, since my freak-out about my impending holiday I have lost (drum roll) - precisely 0lbs. That's right, a big, fat zero. And since late June, I am half a stone heavier. That would be a stone heavier than last time I went abroad on holiday (2 years ago) and 1 stone 10lbs heavier than my lightest weight (last summer). I seem to be going in the wrong direction. Fast. I know I've had my birthday in the middle of pre-holiday freak-out but I've also done lots of exercise to try and compensate and kept the 'treats' down. I feel hard done by, fed up, and, oh yeah, fat.

I'd be depressed by this even if I weren't going away to a land of swimsuits and skimpy summer clothes, but would focus on hiding under jumpers and boots and beavering away, hoping for a pay back by the time Spring came around and I had to emerge from this cocoon (hmm, not sure about the spelling of that). But my current situation rather ramps up the anxiety. A holiday really shouldn't cause this much angst! It ought to be purely anticipated with excitement and pleasure. I do think that this is one of the (many) miseries of fat-dom: that nice things (holidays, parties, weddings etc) become the focus of anxiety and pressure. Not that I'd want to forego them, I have to say but afterwards I always find myself vowing not to be in the same situation (fat) next time so that picking an outfit becomes a pleasure, not an exercise in damage-limitation, and that photos hold no fear and self-consiousness has no place.

Frankly I think I was only just a bit short of heroic that, after that wretched weigh, I still did my Circuit of Pain (weight, sit ups, push ups etc) that the experts at the fat loss summit agreed might help give me some sort of metabolism. All I really wanted to do was scoff those truffles (yes, even at 6.20am). Especially since a little voice has been whispering that I might as well eat the lot in one sitting and then I'd be 'free of them' and have got it all out of the way. Luckily, I recognise this as the voice of madness, as pleasant as it would be to give in to it. Last night - a personal best - only 3 truffles (they're a bit smaller than a 10p coin).

I found myself wondering about a quick dose of Slim Fast on my cycle ride in. Maybe if I did that for a fortnight I could shift half a stone? I haven't discounted it but I suspect that the total calorie consumption would be much the same as I am having anyway - just in the format of powder and artifice, rather than food. And I am still afraid of slowing my metabolism down yet further - my specialist thinks part of my struggles date from a hangover effect from Lighter Life which has depressed my already barely existent metabolism into something approaching nothing-ness. It is, apparently, normal for a VLCD to depress the metabolism but the effects usually last 8-10 months (in which time, cruelly, many of the people who have slogged away at a VLCD put most, if not all - or more - of their weight back on). I'm up to just over a year now - he hopes suddenly my metabolism will return to 'normal'. Which for me is turgid at the best of times. Still, I could do with that increase in speed right about now. Or possibly yesterday.

Outlook for the weekend - fair to moderate in terms of effort. I am doing a walk tomorrow of c4-5 miles and one on Sunday of c7-8 miles. We're going to a farmers' market tomorrow morning before the walk and it has a great fish stall, so my off plan meal on Saturday will be fish and vegetables chiefly (samphire if I can get it) - with some wine - which is pretty good on the old calorie count. And we're going to an oyster festival at a pub down there for lunch - so half a dozen oysters and either a sandwich or ploughman's (whichever PhD friend recommends as least damaging - suspect sandwich because of the cheese effect of a ploughman's).

Thought for the day (a less smug and pious version than R4 Today's): as I was being menaced by motorbikes in the cycle lane, I was thinking how I could explain to them simply the difference between a motorbike and a push-bike. My latest reason was how all they exercise is their wrists on their commute - and then I thought this is probably true of them in other activities too....