Friday, 4 September 2009

An exercise in futility

So, since my freak-out about my impending holiday I have lost (drum roll) - precisely 0lbs. That's right, a big, fat zero. And since late June, I am half a stone heavier. That would be a stone heavier than last time I went abroad on holiday (2 years ago) and 1 stone 10lbs heavier than my lightest weight (last summer). I seem to be going in the wrong direction. Fast. I know I've had my birthday in the middle of pre-holiday freak-out but I've also done lots of exercise to try and compensate and kept the 'treats' down. I feel hard done by, fed up, and, oh yeah, fat.

I'd be depressed by this even if I weren't going away to a land of swimsuits and skimpy summer clothes, but would focus on hiding under jumpers and boots and beavering away, hoping for a pay back by the time Spring came around and I had to emerge from this cocoon (hmm, not sure about the spelling of that). But my current situation rather ramps up the anxiety. A holiday really shouldn't cause this much angst! It ought to be purely anticipated with excitement and pleasure. I do think that this is one of the (many) miseries of fat-dom: that nice things (holidays, parties, weddings etc) become the focus of anxiety and pressure. Not that I'd want to forego them, I have to say but afterwards I always find myself vowing not to be in the same situation (fat) next time so that picking an outfit becomes a pleasure, not an exercise in damage-limitation, and that photos hold no fear and self-consiousness has no place.

Frankly I think I was only just a bit short of heroic that, after that wretched weigh, I still did my Circuit of Pain (weight, sit ups, push ups etc) that the experts at the fat loss summit agreed might help give me some sort of metabolism. All I really wanted to do was scoff those truffles (yes, even at 6.20am). Especially since a little voice has been whispering that I might as well eat the lot in one sitting and then I'd be 'free of them' and have got it all out of the way. Luckily, I recognise this as the voice of madness, as pleasant as it would be to give in to it. Last night - a personal best - only 3 truffles (they're a bit smaller than a 10p coin).

I found myself wondering about a quick dose of Slim Fast on my cycle ride in. Maybe if I did that for a fortnight I could shift half a stone? I haven't discounted it but I suspect that the total calorie consumption would be much the same as I am having anyway - just in the format of powder and artifice, rather than food. And I am still afraid of slowing my metabolism down yet further - my specialist thinks part of my struggles date from a hangover effect from Lighter Life which has depressed my already barely existent metabolism into something approaching nothing-ness. It is, apparently, normal for a VLCD to depress the metabolism but the effects usually last 8-10 months (in which time, cruelly, many of the people who have slogged away at a VLCD put most, if not all - or more - of their weight back on). I'm up to just over a year now - he hopes suddenly my metabolism will return to 'normal'. Which for me is turgid at the best of times. Still, I could do with that increase in speed right about now. Or possibly yesterday.

Outlook for the weekend - fair to moderate in terms of effort. I am doing a walk tomorrow of c4-5 miles and one on Sunday of c7-8 miles. We're going to a farmers' market tomorrow morning before the walk and it has a great fish stall, so my off plan meal on Saturday will be fish and vegetables chiefly (samphire if I can get it) - with some wine - which is pretty good on the old calorie count. And we're going to an oyster festival at a pub down there for lunch - so half a dozen oysters and either a sandwich or ploughman's (whichever PhD friend recommends as least damaging - suspect sandwich because of the cheese effect of a ploughman's).

Thought for the day (a less smug and pious version than R4 Today's): as I was being menaced by motorbikes in the cycle lane, I was thinking how I could explain to them simply the difference between a motorbike and a push-bike. My latest reason was how all they exercise is their wrists on their commute - and then I thought this is probably true of them in other activities too....


beth said...

Ugh, _so_ frustrating! I know it's not much help when you've expended so much effort to say at least you didn't gain, but... just keep going. All your work has to pay off, and it _will._

Lesley said...

Shit! What a pain and you do try. Keep at it and enjoy your holiday regardless. From what I remember of Turkey the men prefer curvier women so maybe you can enjoy a boost from that sort of attention!!

If the worst comes to the worst we could all move to Turkey and eat!! Who's in??

Lesley x

Mrs said...

I think all your efforts WILL pay off. Just keep going and make sure you enjoy every moment of your holiday.

Don't despair (easy to say, I know).

Big kiss.

Mrs Lard xxx

Ishmael said...

It it's any help, I can definitely relate -- I too have the metabolism of a hibernating bear. I have found the lifting weights and adding things like yoga/pilates to my cardio does help. I don't see magically huge weight loss numbers, but it does seem to add some consistency to my slow pace. And, after a few weeks, it definitely starts to shave off inches. In anycase, just keep on keeping on. It's all any of us can do.