I'm not having a happy time at the moment so it's just as well my holiday beckons. Regardless of swimwear trauma (which has now gone missing en route!).
We are having real problems with our computer at home which makes bf furious with me - I'm afraid that his default position seems to be to take out any anger/frustration on me. That's how it feels to me although I'm sure he'd have a different perspective. Then I make matters worse by trying to help and usually failing spectacularly. We've only just got a computer so it's all a bit new.
On Saturday he told me I was becoming self-centred and selfish (although he now denies the selfish bit) because I had an appointment at the hairdressers (of which more later) which I - essentially - hadn't okayed with him and he fancied doing something else as it transpired. Which is kind of unfair as I recently had a lecture on how I need to be more independent and less reliant on him. Then computer rage #1 yesterday (white hot - he lost his document which was my fault for talking to him about the self-centred comment whilst he was working on it). Tonight I was out with my friend E for supper and came home to more of the same. I loaded some free security software yesterday in response to some criticisms but today the pre-loaded stuff (which it wants us to pay for) is prompting for renewal and preventing him using Word. I've downloaded the trial office package and I hope it sorts it - but (as has been pointed out to me) I'm no expert.
So I'm feeling a bit emotionally fragile, what with one thing and another. I feel bruised by bf's anger, I've got a few health problems (nothing serious but not pleasant and could be quite impactful) and of course I have the elephant in the room. Oh no, that's me! Or rather my weight....
I ate several pieces of cake on Friday, post scales and today I've had what - for me - is a binge: a white bread roll, a chocolate bar, 3 walnut whips, some fizzy sweets and a half dozen plums (as well as my planned salad for lunch and a frugal choice in Wagamama for dinner). If I'd had anything else I would have eaten that too. As it is, I bought a chocolate bar home with me and intend to eat it next, even though I have a big lump in my throat to force it past. Will it make me feel better? Probably not but I'm not sure what else to do. Pretty pathetic, huh? I need to get a grip. And I will. I really will. But the verbal bashings on top of me just mentioning to E tonight a teeny bit of what I'm feeling, have made me feel both tearful and horribly self-indulgent and feeble. And ashamed for being like this.
So, the hairdresser's. I'm afraid I paid for an absurdly expensive hair treatment on Saturday which is currently making my hair look dank and greasy but when I'm allowed to wash off (tomorrow night - hurrah!) the product sealed into my hair, will make me shiny and sleek with little or no work by moi. It should remove hair-frizz holiday hair trauma and thus (hopefully) go some way to offsetting my swimwear trauma - perhaps people will be so blinded by the gleam of my luscious tresses that they won't be able to see my spare tyres and fat suit! It might just be worth the bashing I gave my credit card if that's the case.
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3 comments:
Am really sorry to hear you and the b/f are having a rough patch. His anger sounds quite destructive -- how unfortunate that he takes it out on you. Of course, we all do that to our loved ones from time to time. But there's a limit in there somewhere that every couple establishes. From what you wrote about how you've been feeling, seems he crossed it. In anycase, I won't armchair diagnose from across the pond and via Internet! That would be cheeky indeed. Just sending you my best and hoping you have fantastic hols.
I am also very concerned to hear about your bf's anger. Please forgive the impertinence, but I feel I must say this. I have recently read through all your archives and think you are a wonderfully strong, courageous, warm and funny woman. But the references to your bf distressed me no end. You do not deserve a partner who is so demeaning and unsupportive. Some of the things you report him saying to you make my blood run cold. Your situation really worries me. Domestic abuse need not be violent. It also need not be constant- he may indeed be sometimes lovely, but he also seems to bully and belittle you, and no amount of Valentine's cards or mowing lawns can make up for that. Having got that off my chest, I just want to say good luck, and I hope you start to feel better, and treat yourself with the love and respect you deserve.
hey peri. I know how hurtful it can be as we have discuassed. I also know how confusing as when not being hurtful, it's not as bad as it sounds in black and white.
I think the main thing is to recognise that, if you trust him, you're probably right to do so. You're an intelligent, sensitive woman after all. But that, not everything he says about you is correct (you know that, right?! And try to maintain you're own strength and identity separate from his, that way you don't get too dragged down by the bad times and can enjoy the good.
I'm hoping you're having a great holiday, brown swimsuits notwithstanding!!
Lesley xx
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