Fear and clothing in London

If I were asked to describe my personal style I’d have to plump for ‘damage limitation’.  As a painfully self-conscious fat girl, clothes are a permanent worry.  Lack of clothes would be worse of course but finding things that I like AND fit AND suit me is very, very difficult: I usually only manage one out of three (and it’s never the ‘suit me’ one) and sometimes none at all.
 
Yesterday I wore jeans and a blouse – an outfit I’d been reasonably happy with in the past – and caught sight of stomach bulge underneath the hem of the top.  I spent the rest of the day tugging at it and feeling self-conscious and ugly.  I doubt I will ever wear it again. 
 
Every day I dread trying things on: things that had fitted that I’m scared will no longer, things I’ve ordered from ebay which should fit but I’m scared won’t and things that I buy I have that sick feeling as I take them into a changing room.  Sometimes I chicken out.
 
I’d like to look nice (obv) but I don’t think this is possible.  I look wistfully at other people – every day I mentally pick out outfits on passers-by that I wish I could wear.  Recently I’ve been very drawn to neatly fitted linen trousers with a little top – something that with a large bum and saggy belly, I could never look even halfway decent in.  I did admire a girl in a long jersey maxi with a side split – technically I could wear this but it looks much better on a slender frame (as does pretty much everything of course!) – I also suspect I was influenced by hair envy as she had a sheet of pale red hair hanging half way down her back.  My hair is – alas – the only thin thing about me.  It’s just about the only thing you wouldn’t want to be thin!
 
Today is starve day two of this week.  It’s well named – I am SO hungry.  Starve #1 was a success but I had a coffee this morning to try and keep me awake after two nights of not being able to sleep.  When you only have 500 calories, this eats into your budget severely.  Just hoping that the hunger will pass – it’s been growing and growing and I’m trying to ignore it.  I fear I have less than 150 calories left for the rest of the day.  It’s just a day, it’s just a day....

The wrong way

I’m not being a good blogger; I’m hot and cross in our fuggy sauna of an office, work is busy but most of all, I feel like a fake.  A big, fat fake.  This is – allegedly – a dieting blog.  Well, no-one report me to trading standards please because I am being just rubbish.  Not especially rubbish in terms of effort put in but totally, totally rubbish in terms of any noticeable shift in lardage.  I don’t know if I am stupid or dogged by continually plugging away at it.  The thing is that I don’t feel I’m doing this 110% brilliantly and until I do, I feel like I could just crack it.  Or I hope this, at any rate.
 
I did 3 fast days last week but on two of them had minor cheats – on Wednesday the choir I sing with had organised their OAP idea of a party and they were so pleased with themselves I felt that I had to have a small plastic cup of rough red wine.  On Friday I was so hungry that I went all floppy and shaky and had a tsp of peanut butter and a slivver of cheese.  And I still think I have too much on a non-fast day.
 
I need this week to be stellar – I’m not weighing myself so it’s hard to know what effect I’m having but I fear a very slow upward trend – maybe for my clothes to feel more comfortable at the weekend and next week.  It’s nebulous isn’t it?  I think it needs to come down to feeling as if I’m going in the right direction; I know it’s not the done thing to be so candid but I absolutely hate myself at the moment, I literally repulse myself.  And then there are the practicalities: there is no way my winter coat will fit me at the moment – I know that hopefully I have a bit longer of that not being an issue but I’m living on borrowed time.  And in a limited wardrobe.
 
The thing is, I don’t really understand why I’m doing so badly: I know I have never been a good loser (in that I rarely lose much weight at a time) but after a holiday where I’ve put on weight, I have usually managed to lose that weight slowly.  At the moment I don’t think that’s happening.
 
And it clearly does work for a lot of people.  Despite the backlash I’m starting to see, saying that we’re boring or downright violent on the starve days!  All of this is possibly true – although I rarely have the energy to commit violence and that’s despite the heat of my office making me feel as if I am permanently simmering on a short-fuse.
 
So today is a stave day and I’m doing well so far.  It’s keeping going whilst feeling all wobbly and sorry for myself.  And yes, cross.  I’ve had a green salad of leaves, cucumber and half an avocado with prawns for lunch and tonight I’ll have spray roasted courgettes and a piece of seabass with lemon.  I think I may go wild and have a mini Twister (40 cals)  It would be unbearable if it were for more than one day at a time but the genius is that you feel as if you can just about put up with it for a day.  I’ll do it again on Wednesday and Friday. 
 
Something needs to give.  Other than my waistbands.
 

PS Congratulations Badger!

Melt down

I imagine it’s a bit like running: every now and again in dieting, you hit the wall.  I seem to have slammed into it face-first.  I’m not really doing a good job at what I’m doing and I’ve lost my mojo as what I am doing doesn’t seem to be having any effect.  And I can’t seem to find the energy or inspiration to do much about it – I’m drifting along without a sense of purpose, direction or achievement.
 
I think I’ve wrung every analogy out of this situation now but I am sure that all of you have felt like this before.  I find it so difficult because I don’t have anything I can fall back on that I know works; I’m not sure what to do.
 
This lassitude is also probably due to the fact that I work in an office with neither windows nor air-con and by mid afternoon, I feel beaten by the heat.  I am not complaining about the external temperature, it’s lovely to have a summer for a change, but the temperature in my office is hitting 30°and I am complaining about that.  From a semi supine position.  I can barely summon up the mental willpower to stay upright, let alone devise fierce new dieting strategies.  I’m actually looking forward to having to be outside all day on Friday as it must surely be cooler than this.  I’m actually not convinced that this isn’t the fires of hell roasting me.
 
I also have (whisper it) chub-rub, hangs head.  Could there be anything more shameful and painful?  (Well, maybe some venereal diseases I guess...).  I’ve not had it for years but I suspect the combination of a sudden summer and extra weight has landed me back in the territory where every step hurts.  Physically wounded – and sartorially too: I do not think that the heat is a friend to the fat girl.  Maybe some have it sorted but I think I have the sort of body that’s best swathed under layers of wool and flannel (although liberation from opaque tights is wonderful (chub rub aside)).
 
But if summer doesn’t like me, I’m determined to cosy up to it anyway.  We have hike/BBQ plans again for the weekend which I’m anticipating with joy after last weekend saw me skulking resentfully indoors, working, whilst the sounds of other people enjoying the sunshine floated through my window.  I’ve started the countdown to the weekend early.  All I have to do is get there without melting.  Or becoming too delirious....

Frapp-fever

Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce you to the semi-stave day.  On Monday for reasons which I will not try your patience with I absolutely knew I could not do a starve day.  Not a fabricated excuse, I just couldn’t do it, I was very, very tired and other than that needed to be a bit kind to myself.  Not so short term kind to myself that I ate anything and everything I fancied though.  So I had a bit less food than a normal day but a bit more than a stave day – this meant that I had a grapefruit and coffee for breakfast, a salad and a small bag of air-popped popcorn and a peach for lunch and steamed fish and veg for dinner and some strawberries.  Anyway, it felt like a good compromise at the time but it’s not something that I can do very often.  In fact, writing this I’ve realised that actually it’s almost a non-starve day except I’d have some yoghurt for breakfast too – so essentially I bamboozled myself into thinking I was being good and really I wasn’t.  Sigh.
 
Of course, everything is comparative: yesterday a stressful (official) non-starve day was okay except for TWO frappuccinos.  I hang my head in shame.  I couldn’t get out of the office at lunchtime (luckily I’d brought a nicoise in.  Although a nicoise without anchovies is a poor thing indeed.) and we have no ventilation in the office.  Or air con.  The air was almost visible it was such a fug of too many people in too little space and no air.  I went a bit nuts and had to escape outside for 5 minutes – which led me to the coffee shop and a mocha frappuccino.  At least I managed to resist the wonderful sounding, coffee-free Oreo frappuccino.  Oh okay, it was only because it had white chocolate in it and I don’t like white chocolate.  Ahem.  Incidentally, I always feel smug in rejecting the cream on the top – which, of course I would love – but really any ‘beverage’ that comes with cream as standard is quietly telling you that it’s a liquidy pudding.  No more frappuccinos for this glutton this week in any case.
 
I’m still very tired and feel some caffeine would be welcome but a stave day really doesn’t cater for that.  It’s surprising how quickly 500 calories goes (if anyone says yes on one frappuccino – sans cream – I will have to come and kill you).  I’ve had 2 cups of green tea and a prawn salad and essentially only have another salad, possibly a punnet of raspberries and more green tea to look forward to.  Next week I may have to do two starve days on consecutive days which is not an appealing prospect.  Two is a minimum though so at the moment and looking at my diary, I can’t see I have much choice.  Still, it’s Thursday and Friday and maybe by then my miracle will kick in and I’ll wake up slim and won’t need to starve.  Or even wake up slim-ish – see how ready I am to compromise?

Making whey-hey while the sun shines

With extreme scepticism I went to see the nutritionist attached to my metabolic specialist yesterday.  I went with such a heavy heart and cynical attitude as the last time I saw one, her sole advice was to remember that vitamins had calories.  Baffled?  Yes, me too.  But when I saw that fill in for my usual Prof, he told me that the “laws of physics” meant that I was lying as I would be slimmer if I simply followed the 'eat less, move about more’ ethos.
 
One day technology will have got to the point where I can insert an audiofile at this point so you can hear my hollow laughter.  In fact it’s probably there and I just haven’t caught up with with the fast-moving world of technology (still can’t figure out Pinterest and probably won’t until it’s obsolete).
 
This nutritionist was okay.  We didn’t especially agree on carbs but found some common ground.  That was the good news, the bad news is that she said there’s not a lot she can suggest that is instantly going to transform me into a slim woman.  Or even a slightly podgy one (which I’d totally accept).  At least it ticked the box to go back to that doc to say “MORON”.  Talking of which they’d double booked my appointment – with myself.  You’d think no-one had ever got married and changed their name before!
 
I’m finding the starve days a bit tough.  Every day I wake up on one I have a sinking feeling.  Or maybe that’s hunger.  Somehow combining it with a Monday is particularly grim.  Friday’s not much better for different reasons (it’s kind of a whey-hey day in my head although it’s often a fraught day at work).  Still, I’m doing it (starving, not whey-heying).  What I’m not doing - and is my challenge for next week - is eating as if I’m on a diet on non-starve days.  I’ve also seen a book called Metabolism for Dummies which I want to buy once I get paid.  It can’t just say ‘give up your job and exercise constantly’ for 400 pages, can it?  Not that I’d be devastated to give up my job but I kind of need the salary.
 
It’s our first weekend back in Suffolk this weekend; the weather looks good-ish so we’re planning a hike and then a BBQ.  Should be good.  It’s the sort of thing that gets me through the post-holiday blues.  Work looks like it might be so busy over the next 3-4 months that I might not be able to get there for weekends very often – and it’s escaping London that keeps me sane (ish).  It also is likely to mean more evening/early morning working too and a lot of negativity and stress.  Happy days.
 
We are at least off to Devon for an extended August bank holiday weekend (which is scheduled every year to celebrate my birthday.  No need to thank me).  I am shocked to report that afternoon tea on Cunard had whipped cream rather than clotted with its scones.  I know.  Meant I didn’t eat more than one small scone but I need to lay that ghost to rest.

I like to be in AmericAH, okay by me in AmericAH (tra la la)

Well I’m back.
 

Yes, it was AMAZING.  Very quick round up:

 

1)      Cunard transatlantic liner – I thought I’d find it tiresome dressing for dinner since I essentially live in jeans and stress about any kind of clothes; I really enjoyed it.  We’d loaf about reading during the day or going to the Planetarium or LINE DANCING (to my eternal shame, I loved line dancing) and then dress up, go for cocktails (there was a harpist or string quartet in either of the bars we went to) and then for dinner.  Then often a big band in the evening (me singing (quietly) Chattanooga Choo choo made me very happy) and watch the ballroom dancers or a film or the theatre....  All very civilised.  And I didn’t stress about the way I looked (although I wouldn’t let P buy official photos as they were so awful of me) but really just enjoyed it.

2)     San Francisco – again I loved it.  It’s so much nicer and friendlier and prettier than Noo York.  It does clearly have a bad homeless problem but generally it’s just a lovely city.  We went to a couple of lovely places to eat (Boudin, Tony’s and Colibri especially)and one dire Chinese and a hilarious pitch black ‘secret’ prohibition themed bar where we drank ridiculously strong cocktails to 40s music (thanks Dizzy Girl!).  Our hotel was central and friendly.  We did a movie themed tour of the city and went to Alcatraz and otherwise just walked about or got trams!  Again, P stopped me singing the Trolley song – I bet Judy Garland was quaking in her grave.  And I have never seen so many Starbucks EVER.  Not an endorsement - I prefer independents but it was a really obvious feature of the city.

3)     Sonoma – we loved it.  We did a wine tour which has given me a lot to think about and went to an amazing restaurant (Girl and the Fig) that was our best meal of the holiday.  It was a really laid back, happy place and we’d like to go back.  We also went to possibly the most beautiful winery ever and an amazing deep south style diner.

4)     Lake Tahoe – Beautiful place with a lot more there than we had time to do.  We did a long boat trip to really enjoy the dramatic colours of the lake - emerald, violet and teal.  And we had an hilariously and enthusiastically themed cowboy room - even the loo roll holder was a spurred boot and the curtains were denim, held back with scarlet bandanas.  Most other things featured cowboy hats, boots (even the vase was a pair of boots) or horseshoes.  We had 'Howdy' spelt out in barbed wire above the bed!

5)     Yosemite – again, very beautiful and HOT.  We did some hiking which was very tough at 8,000-9,000 feet as you just can’t get enough oxygen into your lungs.  And my hands and wrists massively swelled up.  I wouldn’t go back just because it’s a really long drive to get anywhere but I’m glad we went.  Although to my sorrow, we never did see a bear.

6)     Big Sur – beautiful coastal scenery (think Cornwall at its best on a BIG scale) and bonkers Hearst Castle.  We had a cabin (shed) in the woods with a fire pit that sent P into frenzies of adolescent pyromania and ate at the v posh Nepenthe where we watched agog the table next to us “interact” by taking it in turns to make a short presentation, a eulogy for the girl whose birthday it was and to explain their choice of gift.  The waiter and P exchanged much eye-rolling and the waiter explained that everyone from Silicon Valley was like that.

 

The flight home with BA was horrendous – I’ve flown with them twice in the past 6 months and both flights have been my worst two ever.  It’s embarrassing that this is our national airline.  Other than getting that hell over, it’s very sad to be back.  We’re choosing our next holiday as a way of fending off the post-holiday blues and fancy Virginia next year – anyone been there or know it?  It has a national park, vineyards and history – sounds like a winner. 

 I must say, I’m fed up with our horrid wet, cold summers (which are predicted to be the norm) and quite fancy emigrating to the US.  Not sure that’s terribly easy though.  I’d certainly love to work in the wine industry there (although not necessarily in California – I’d rather live in New England.  Where I strongly suspect there are no vineyards, sigh.).

I am sure I put on weight although I did not go mad and the portions were not as crazy as New England.  On the boat it was possible to eat well but moderately as the portions were quite small – which suited me.  And you can always have more if you want to.  I think I only had pancakes for breakfast 4 times in 3 weeks which I think was very restrained!  I did eat quite a lot more carbs than usual though – mostly bread. 
 
So, back to a concentrated effort at dieting.  My plan is to do ideally 3 starve days a week (occasionally 2), the other week days will be low carb with small portions of healthy food and the weekends will allow for some wine and a little carbiness.  I don’t think I’ll be weighing any time soon since it seems to plunge me into an abyss of misery and despair; I will just do this and see how my clothes feel.  By which I mean I hope that they will get looser!  I have a whole wardrobe of clothes that are too small for me which I’d really like to be wearing.  And I have to lose some weight to get into my winter coat comfortably before winter starts.  Which I hear will be the weekend so is possibly a bit ambitious.
 
I had a largely successful starve day yesterday (first day back at work) which wasn’t as painful as I’d feared and tomorrow will be a starve day too.  Then the weekend at last which looks a bit dull – personally as well as weather-wise.  Hmm, time to check out that emigration dream!

Au revoir

I have not been a good blogger recently; I think I have become disenchanted with myself, wearied by what I have to say, bored by continually treading the same well-worn path.  Jade is a lovely colour, a pretty stone, a very 90s name - but not a good state of mind.  A break will do me good!

Because, dear Reader, I am off on the much-anticipated honeymoon on Saturday.  Fatter than I'd like, fatter than I'd intended but determined to make the most of it.  And by making the most of it, I don't mean 24 hour gorging on the boat.  Sorry, that's liner!  Instead I mean not allowing how I feel about myself, especially in unaccustomed cocktail and ball wear (I know, shocking isn't it, I bet you imagined me graciously living in posh frocks most of the time!) to spoil the moment. Chances are, since I seem to be not very good at winning the lottery, this IS a one-off and I do not want to look back and regret anything.

I need a break.  I was very upset this week by someone being mean to me on Twitter.  It really wasn't the end of the world in the whole scheme of Twitter-meaness, but I really allowed it to distress me.  And then 3 good things happened:  1) someone showed me that social media can be a good thing by sending me lots of California tips, 2) One of my friends was fierce in my defence (to me, not to the mean girl) and 3) Another of my friends met up with me, cheered me up and was so sweet and so determined for me to enjoy myself that I was quite taken aback although she's been a friend for 19 years.  And I went from feeling like the girl who's always on the outside of the clique (which still remains true) to not caring because the friends I DO have, both 'real' and virtual are wonderful.  When I come back, all-refreshed, I'm going to be a better blogger.  This online community is important to me.  I won't let the odd bitchy comment deter me - I've had more support than I've had unkindness.

And inevitably I'll be back on the diet wagon.  I recently had a massive clear out and I have SUCH a lot of clothes that are too small for me cluttering up my wardrobe, my heart and my esteem.  I need to get into them and clear out the emotional and physical baggage they represent.

Tomorrow is for ironing, painting toenails and other such vital pre-holiday prep and then Saturday we're off to Southampton to board the Queen Mary 2.  Then California here we come.

Have a good few weeks; I intend to.