Monday, 29 July 2013

The wrong way

I’m not being a good blogger; I’m hot and cross in our fuggy sauna of an office, work is busy but most of all, I feel like a fake.  A big, fat fake.  This is – allegedly – a dieting blog.  Well, no-one report me to trading standards please because I am being just rubbish.  Not especially rubbish in terms of effort put in but totally, totally rubbish in terms of any noticeable shift in lardage.  I don’t know if I am stupid or dogged by continually plugging away at it.  The thing is that I don’t feel I’m doing this 110% brilliantly and until I do, I feel like I could just crack it.  Or I hope this, at any rate.
I did 3 fast days last week but on two of them had minor cheats – on Wednesday the choir I sing with had organised their OAP idea of a party and they were so pleased with themselves I felt that I had to have a small plastic cup of rough red wine.  On Friday I was so hungry that I went all floppy and shaky and had a tsp of peanut butter and a slivver of cheese.  And I still think I have too much on a non-fast day.
I need this week to be stellar – I’m not weighing myself so it’s hard to know what effect I’m having but I fear a very slow upward trend – maybe for my clothes to feel more comfortable at the weekend and next week.  It’s nebulous isn’t it?  I think it needs to come down to feeling as if I’m going in the right direction; I know it’s not the done thing to be so candid but I absolutely hate myself at the moment, I literally repulse myself.  And then there are the practicalities: there is no way my winter coat will fit me at the moment – I know that hopefully I have a bit longer of that not being an issue but I’m living on borrowed time.  And in a limited wardrobe.
The thing is, I don’t really understand why I’m doing so badly: I know I have never been a good loser (in that I rarely lose much weight at a time) but after a holiday where I’ve put on weight, I have usually managed to lose that weight slowly.  At the moment I don’t think that’s happening.
And it clearly does work for a lot of people.  Despite the backlash I’m starting to see, saying that we’re boring or downright violent on the starve days!  All of this is possibly true – although I rarely have the energy to commit violence and that’s despite the heat of my office making me feel as if I am permanently simmering on a short-fuse.
So today is a stave day and I’m doing well so far.  It’s keeping going whilst feeling all wobbly and sorry for myself.  And yes, cross.  I’ve had a green salad of leaves, cucumber and half an avocado with prawns for lunch and tonight I’ll have spray roasted courgettes and a piece of seabass with lemon.  I think I may go wild and have a mini Twister (40 cals)  It would be unbearable if it were for more than one day at a time but the genius is that you feel as if you can just about put up with it for a day.  I’ll do it again on Wednesday and Friday. 
Something needs to give.  Other than my waistbands.

PS Congratulations Badger!


Badger said...

Now I'm not sure this is the answer and I apologise for the source...but it's topical in any case!

Seren said...

It doesn't sound like you are particularly enjoying the regime, and if you are not getting results it time to return to the drawing board? I mean, I know that ALL "healthy eating plans" (I try to avoid the word diet)have their elements of hardship or misery but still...

My goal at the moment is just to try and hold steady. September is coming up and that is an excellent time for fresh starts. In the meantime, I fight against the intense self loathing every day because I so want to be someone who is happy in themselves regardless of whether they are fat or thin and it makes me sad that I just don't seem able to do it. You would be the first person to remind me that there is so much more to a person than their size and so I will do the same for you.