The wrong way

I’m not being a good blogger; I’m hot and cross in our fuggy sauna of an office, work is busy but most of all, I feel like a fake.  A big, fat fake.  This is – allegedly – a dieting blog.  Well, no-one report me to trading standards please because I am being just rubbish.  Not especially rubbish in terms of effort put in but totally, totally rubbish in terms of any noticeable shift in lardage.  I don’t know if I am stupid or dogged by continually plugging away at it.  The thing is that I don’t feel I’m doing this 110% brilliantly and until I do, I feel like I could just crack it.  Or I hope this, at any rate.
 
I did 3 fast days last week but on two of them had minor cheats – on Wednesday the choir I sing with had organised their OAP idea of a party and they were so pleased with themselves I felt that I had to have a small plastic cup of rough red wine.  On Friday I was so hungry that I went all floppy and shaky and had a tsp of peanut butter and a slivver of cheese.  And I still think I have too much on a non-fast day.
 
I need this week to be stellar – I’m not weighing myself so it’s hard to know what effect I’m having but I fear a very slow upward trend – maybe for my clothes to feel more comfortable at the weekend and next week.  It’s nebulous isn’t it?  I think it needs to come down to feeling as if I’m going in the right direction; I know it’s not the done thing to be so candid but I absolutely hate myself at the moment, I literally repulse myself.  And then there are the practicalities: there is no way my winter coat will fit me at the moment – I know that hopefully I have a bit longer of that not being an issue but I’m living on borrowed time.  And in a limited wardrobe.
 
The thing is, I don’t really understand why I’m doing so badly: I know I have never been a good loser (in that I rarely lose much weight at a time) but after a holiday where I’ve put on weight, I have usually managed to lose that weight slowly.  At the moment I don’t think that’s happening.
 
And it clearly does work for a lot of people.  Despite the backlash I’m starting to see, saying that we’re boring or downright violent on the starve days!  All of this is possibly true – although I rarely have the energy to commit violence and that’s despite the heat of my office making me feel as if I am permanently simmering on a short-fuse.
 
So today is a stave day and I’m doing well so far.  It’s keeping going whilst feeling all wobbly and sorry for myself.  And yes, cross.  I’ve had a green salad of leaves, cucumber and half an avocado with prawns for lunch and tonight I’ll have spray roasted courgettes and a piece of seabass with lemon.  I think I may go wild and have a mini Twister (40 cals)  It would be unbearable if it were for more than one day at a time but the genius is that you feel as if you can just about put up with it for a day.  I’ll do it again on Wednesday and Friday. 
 
Something needs to give.  Other than my waistbands.
 

PS Congratulations Badger!