Wednesday, 31 July 2013

Fear and clothing in London

If I were asked to describe my personal style I’d have to plump for ‘damage limitation’.  As a painfully self-conscious fat girl, clothes are a permanent worry.  Lack of clothes would be worse of course but finding things that I like AND fit AND suit me is very, very difficult: I usually only manage one out of three (and it’s never the ‘suit me’ one) and sometimes none at all.
Yesterday I wore jeans and a blouse – an outfit I’d been reasonably happy with in the past – and caught sight of stomach bulge underneath the hem of the top.  I spent the rest of the day tugging at it and feeling self-conscious and ugly.  I doubt I will ever wear it again. 
Every day I dread trying things on: things that had fitted that I’m scared will no longer, things I’ve ordered from ebay which should fit but I’m scared won’t and things that I buy I have that sick feeling as I take them into a changing room.  Sometimes I chicken out.
I’d like to look nice (obv) but I don’t think this is possible.  I look wistfully at other people – every day I mentally pick out outfits on passers-by that I wish I could wear.  Recently I’ve been very drawn to neatly fitted linen trousers with a little top – something that with a large bum and saggy belly, I could never look even halfway decent in.  I did admire a girl in a long jersey maxi with a side split – technically I could wear this but it looks much better on a slender frame (as does pretty much everything of course!) – I also suspect I was influenced by hair envy as she had a sheet of pale red hair hanging half way down her back.  My hair is – alas – the only thin thing about me.  It’s just about the only thing you wouldn’t want to be thin!
Today is starve day two of this week.  It’s well named – I am SO hungry.  Starve #1 was a success but I had a coffee this morning to try and keep me awake after two nights of not being able to sleep.  When you only have 500 calories, this eats into your budget severely.  Just hoping that the hunger will pass – it’s been growing and growing and I’m trying to ignore it.  I fear I have less than 150 calories left for the rest of the day.  It’s just a day, it’s just a day....


Seren said...

Oh, I sympathise so much. I love looking at clothes, fashion, cosmetics....and then I look at me and...lipstick on a pig.

We will both get to the stage one day when we will happily look in the mirror. I have to believe that. In the meantime I hope you got through the starve day in question.


Linz M said...

I did my first starve day yesterday and by this morning, I could have eaten my own arm so I feel your pain.

I have clothes ranging from 16-26, all of which fit me. My only suggestion would be, try things on, buy bigger sizes if need be, it's not admitting defeat, no 2 shops are the same. I think you are very hard on yourself, I am sure you a lot more fabulous than you give yourself credit for.