Monday, 2 February 2015

Life on Planet Peridot

It’s been a while.  A really long while.  Essentially I stopped feeling like I had anything to say or anything to contribute.  After all, the people who do read this (and I doubt there’s anyone left now) read it because they’re involved in dieting.  Who wants to read about someone who abjectly and totally fails?  It’s depressing, it’s demotivating and it ‘s frustrating.

Because I am a big fat failure.  My only saving grace is that I keep trying.  And, dear Reader, that is Not Enough.  I feel like I’m walking a tightrope and even a little slip could cause me to fall into an abyss of despair that I could never claw my way out of.

I deal with this in the time honoured fashion: yes, that’s right, by ignoring it, trying not to think about it and hoping it will go away.  I don’t meet my own eye in a mirror, I accept that I feel appalling about myself and that I have a constant refrain of “ugly, ugly, ugly” constantly going on a loop through my mind at varying volumes.  None of this feels terribly sustainable over the long term. 

And the other night I could not sleep for feeling sick about a family wedding coming up next month, what I could wear and how awful I’d look and consequently feel.  It’s made worse by my brother and chav-in-law being there – I’ve not seen them for about 7 or 8 years and she WILL be looking to be bitchy.

It seems to be a recurrent theme for me – trying to engage with the outside world as little as possible.  From a distance, a party, a wedding , a holiday all sound exciting but the closer they get, the worse I feel about them and the more I panic.  I have two out of three – and possibly a full set – all next month.  I know that if I looked more normal – if I WERE more normal these should be things to look forward to.  Not to lie awake fretting over and getting myself more and more wound up over.

And what AM I going to wear?  I’ve pretty much only worn jeans and long jumpers for ever.  Not for work of course – that’s skirts and slightly shorter jumpers - although I strongly suspect I look like a bag lady.  A fat bag lady.  Whilst I would prefer not to look like this for the wedding and retirement party, I’m not sure I have much choice.  I wish there were a sort of personal stylist that specialised in fat people.  I have to stop even typing this now as I can feel the waves of panic beginning to engulf me.


Peridot said...

I just looked at the comments from my long-ago last post. How lovely you all are.

Well, now you know, I was not waving but drowning. But I feel a bit warmer for having people care that I'd disappeared (it didn't even occur to me) so THANK YOU. x

Blods said...

Yay! You're back! Everyone has really missed you! Sorry to hear you're still struggling and still being so hard on yourself. Please try and remember no-one else will be as harsh in their judgement of you, as you (and the Chav-in-law just doesn't matter). Relax and enjoy your holiday, the opinion of strangers really doesn't signify.Your readers really do care and it's great you're back xxx

Lesley said...

Hon. I can feel your pain. I don't understand it as you Are NOT ugly. At all.

Re clothes, when I'm at my fattest I find some cheap, basic clothes which don't do much for me but are plain and comfy and slightly too big for me and then I FORGET about them and try to get on with my life.

Be kind to yourself honey. Lxx

Seren said...

I'm with Lesley - you're beautiful, and would look beautiful at the wedding if you turned up in jumper and jeans. But people saying so doesnt help, I know.

This time of year you could go for a forgiving wrap dress with thick tights, chunky accessories and bright lips and look absolutely gorgeous.

Although given I'm am currently in a NY slump that basically involves wearing pyjamas wherever possible my style advice is not necessarily worth anything!!


Fionna said...

Yee har! Your'e back!! Sad to hear you are down about the old weight issues. Although I am continually struggling to lose weight and I primarily started to read your blog because it was about losing weight, I now read it just to keep up with what you are doing. I love how you write and look forward to your updates. Take care honey xx

Gabby said...

I'm so happy to see you're back! But so sorry to hear you're struggling. What you describe is SO familiar to me it hurts. Chin up, take care of yourself, and please please please, go easy on yourself! You obviously have so much going for you, and tons of people who love you, and find you warm and interesting and funny and kind. Don't forget that. x

Plumptious said...

Long time lurker here!

I read your blog because you are wonderfully articulate, warm and honest. You come across as kind, intelligent and genuine. I was hoping you would write again soon, and was pleased to see your post (although sad to read you are feeling like you do).

I obviously don't know you at all but I too struggle with poor self esteem. I've also got a bit of an anxiety disorder going on at the moment and your sentence: 'It seems to be a recurrent theme for me – trying to engage with the outside world as little as possible. From a distance, a party, a wedding, a holiday all sound exciting but the closer they get, the worse I feel about them and the more I panic', really caught my attention.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I even have a point to make, but I guess I just wanted to say you're not alone in feeling like you do, and I can guarantee you look 1000 times better than your mind is telling you you do. And above all that, you are a good, worthy and deserving person.