Wednesday, 11 February 2015

In the still of the night

Firstly I just wanted to say a big thank you for all the supportive comments to my very lack-lustre re-emergence on to the blogging scene (ahem).  I felt quite moved to tears by the nice things you said and it’s really made me feel that there is some point to writing, even amidst the failure that is me.  Perhaps I could be the poster girl for what NOT to do.  But really, the empathy and support means a lot.  And this is probably the only outlet I have for these feelings.  I sometimes try to talk to my best friend but... I just.... can’t.

Although I have tentatively told my husband an extremely watered down and sanitised version of what I feel, and although he is supportive, he has what I think of as a typically male reaction of ‘count your blessings’.

Which is of course true.  My work life is so much better than it was a year ago, it’s almost incalculable.  I’m reasonably healthy, as far as I know, which is so important.  I am married to a lovely man.  Why am I moping about and indulging in these feelings (not that I want to) when there are people SO much worse off than I am.  Somehow that doesn’t help.  In fact, it makes me feel worse.  Guilty for feeling it as icing on top of the cake of feeling so wretched.

I don’t spend much time doing nothing.  By which I mean that even when I’m cleaning my teeth, I’m reading a book.  On my commute – I’m reading a book.  I don’t suppose many people have the opportunity of doing nothing, but it’s not occurred to me until recently that I don’t have the chance to – or allow myself to – just let my mind drift.  This is a good thing I think as I think this is the key to my sometime insomnia: at the moment, when the light goes off, my brain instantly engages and that’s when I get most upset and despondent.  Most of the time I have a level of muted anxiety and upset about my appearance but night time is when the volume gets ramped right up.  And it stops me sleeping – which, I suspect, makes things worse.  Everything is worse without enough sleep.  Even when you factor coffee in to the equation.

Next post: bras and diets.


Lesley said...

It's tricky to know what to say as you so clearly know in your head (very deep down admittedly) that you are NOT unworthy or a failure or all the other things you throw at yourself but, despite that, you FEEL that way and, in the dead of night, those feelings are far more powerful than all the rational pep talks in the world. I hope you can learn a way to switch off, meditate on nothing and love yourself as much as you deserve to be loved.

It's possible that the reading and constant "doing" are methods to stop yourself thinking - a form of hiding now that you don't use food to stop the thinking. Don't be afraid of doing nothing. The worst will not happen, honest!

Big hugs as always honey.

Lesley x

Lisa said...

Don't feel bad just because there are people worse off than you - as my mum used to say, if you have a broken arm but your neighbour or friend has lost their arm - its okay to feel grateful that you're not in that position but it doesn't make your broken arm any less painful - or words to that effect!!

Fionna said...

I dont think it really matters how much worse off other people are in comparison to yourself, if you are unhappy you are unhappy. Comparing yourself to others wosre off, doesnt make you feel any better or stop you worrying/being anxious/scared. I think you are probably the hardest working person i know at trying to lose weight. No-one else I know puts as much effort in as you and it seems so unfair that you dont get the results you so desperatley hope for xxx