Firstly, thank you to you all for your support. I write these things when I have no-one and no-where to turn to and it makes me feel so much more that I'm not alone.
It's possible that I wove a lot of disparate comments from an afternoon and evening of intermittent rowing together into a narrative that wasn't wholly fair. I try to be fair but it's probably not something that I'm capable of in those circumstances.
We settled things a lot more last night. It was hard to keep up the level of froideur I had been feeling though as I fell during the day, giving my ankle a nasty sprain (I assume, although I have now reluctantly agreed to get actual medical advice on this) and smashing my phone screen. Smashing it so badly that I had to use tweezers to remove little bits of screen from my fingers. Anyway, P came to my office to collect me and offer me his arm in true Jane Austen style into a taxi to take me home and deposit me on the sofa. My ankle really does hurt and I'm hobbling like a nonagenarian - and if I get it slightly off deadstraight, it's really agonising.
But we had the talk regardless, having made polite conversation in the taxi in true Brit fashion. Essentially our arguing styles are utterly incompatible: he flares up, says what he thinks and sometimes says some pretty nasty stuff that later he regrets and I avoid any confrontation for as long - or longer - than is humanly possible and am useless at dealing with it when it happens. It means that we never have a 'civilised' argument. By the next day when he's cooled down and I've thought of what I want to say, it's better but it means a day of misery for me.
And he has flaws which make my own worse - his use of the truth like a blunt instrument that he beats me with makes me very sensitive and incapable of listening dispassionately. He's very critical and this plays to my own lack of self-esteem - were I a more robust character I would argue back and I think he'd back down. As it is I take every tiny comment to heart, brood over it and beat myself up about it. He will always care about my weight (and I think secretly he fears I will end up on a Channel 4 documentary) but I care too. I am not keen to have him over-scrutinise but if he doesn't say it, I know he's thinking it anyway so I'd just rather know. Some women are with men who love them regardless: I am not and I know I'm not alone in this. It's just the way it is.
But by last night he was calmer and apologised for the worst things he said (no, I didn't tell you those!) and explained the 'not bringing anything to the relationship' line which I still don't fully understand but didn't seem to be what I thought. Or so he says now anyway. Either way, that does not stand as an accusation. I did stand up for myself a bit and made him realise he has to act too to improve our relationship - and he took that on board. And we shall see.
One thing that did happen as a result of the row was that I finally got on Scales of Doom (SoD) yesterday morning. I'd drunk a cup of tea so it wasn't optimum but somehow I'd got to the point where I had to know. I was 2stone heavier than my lightest last year, almost 3stone from my lightest ever (LighterLife) and only a stone and a quarter lighter than my heaviest. Not good at all. No wonder nothing fits me. I've streaked from Podgy, through Fat and tipped into Very Fat. We're going to an evening bit of a wedding in early April (I think) and I really need to be able to wear the unflatteringly-sized Vivian of Holloway dress - which I suspect means losing 2st. In 2 months. It's never going to happen is it? I do not understand why it's so quick on and so appallingly slow off. At least now I'll know if anything is coming off. WI day will be Tuesday. As I was Very Fat.2lbs, I would like to see a Fat.anything reading on Tuesday.
Which is why, despite today not being a starvation day and despite every atom in my body (or in Lesley-speak, my chimp) telling me that with my painful ankle I REALLY deserve a hot chocolate with cute heart-shaped marshmallows and squirty cream, I am drinking a cup of green tea and feeling hard done by. SoD - I am putting you on notice that you really need to help me out by acknowledging this with a decent drop on Tuesday.
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4 comments:
I'm glad you are feeling a bit better. I probably shouldn't have spoken so bluntly about P but it angers me so much that in criticising your behaviour, he cannot see how utterly horrific his behavior is.
Sorry, I'm about to go off on one again. How about next time he wants to tell you this thoughts you send him to me and I'll tell him a thing or two! Joking... you seem to have handled this very well and I hope you make sure you do what's best for you.
As for the scales of doom. You've faced up to them - one step at a time from here on in. xxxx
i have been reading your blog for a while and never commented as i dont feel like its my place to butt in. i can no longer just read without offering some advice. Firstly diets do not work. you need a high metabolism to burn the food you eat. lighter life or any kind of starvation will simply eat muscle which in turn stops your ability to burn energy turning it straight to fat.
if you cut out sugar totally from your diet, ate three meals a day & no snacking you would never diet again .
then make sure you move before each meal only for a short period of time say 15/30 mins ( as to fit in around work) this keeps your metabolism burning and preserves precious fat burning muscle.any movement too doesnt have to be something daunting or boring.
think about what our bodies were designed to do and to eat. it doesnt understand modern lifestyles or faddy diets. it still thinks we are cave women!!
drink water black coffee green tea. enjoy each meal and stop when you are full. sugar and the low fat diet are the modern dieters main problems. google dr robert lustig if you want scientific facts. Foods to one side, you really need to love yourself and your body to create a new healthy lifestyle and the negative affects of P are more of a hindrance to your success at weight loss than any of the food u eat, i imagine. i really feel for you as you are caught in an emotional food trap. it all starts with positivity and ditching diets altogether. this is my advice from real experience, i have been where you are. you do not have to listen but i promise you this works. life is too short to be sad or to diet for that matter. best of luck i really hope you succeed xxx
Wow...loulou seems to be advocating what I'm trying to do. Now I just to improve the no sugar thing!!
But, back to you. Glad you talked to P. Make sure he keeps up his side of the deal while you're sipping your green tea wont you??!
Lesley xx
Hi Loulou
No, thank you for commenting. I'm not doing brilliantly at cracking this dieting malarkey by myself and welcome anyone's comments. Funnily enough, I almost do do what you advocate - okay, I have the starvation days but it's supposed to bounce my metabolism. I pretty much do eat the cave woman way - with some small treats occasionally. I've done it totally cavewoman and that didn't work either! Well, not in terms of weight loss but that way of eating definitely does make me feel better. That's why I don't do for the easy 'slimfast' products on starvation days - I still stick to low carb, high protein, unmucked about with stuff. No low fat, no diet products. I did give up sugar completely for 6 months, even fruit - no change. Now I have it judiciously and occasionally - not perfect I know.
Thanks so much for your thoughts.
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