I've had a hell of a week. In fact, the last three weeks have been hellish at work. So I was really looking forward to the weekend. Had I only known I might not have been quite so keen to get here. As it is, if I weren't feeling so bruised and thus not tough enough for work, I might be glad that Monday is only a matter of hours away.
Today P and I have had our old argument. The one I hoped we'd left behind for good. It starts with him being decidedly frosty and denying anything is wrong right up until he comes clean. And it's my weight again. He is like a human Scales of Doom - seriously, he seems to register every lb (gained). And whilst he was okay with my weight before the wedding, he very much isn't now. Although we've kind of been around the houses on this one, he essentially doesn't find me attractive. I think it would be easier if I felt attractive but that has never been the case - a father who persistently told me I was ugly probably doesn't help here although since his opinion weighs little to nothing to me, this may be an excuse. And I have put on weight - a dress size. I am still too chicken for the official Scales of Doon.
He also said he wasn't sure what I brought to the relationship. He concedes loyalty but I get the impression he thinks this is from a lack of options rather than devotion. Me pointing out that I'd made an effort and swallowed my January blues and organised fun stuff for us to do didn't seem to hold much water either. And I admit I'm at a loss to know what else I do bring. Prowess at loading a dishwasher is clearly not impressive.
It's weird because he is - and admits he is - overweight himself. He'd like to lose some weight it's easier for him because I'm less fixated on his weight and love him and find him attractive regardless; I wish he could be like that but he says men are different and far more visual. Maybe it's true. I read a lot of blogs and on twitter about men who seem to love their women despite their frailties and insecurities and in fact love helping them see themselves differently and more positively; maybe that's the PR spun version and everyone has times like these. Maybe only certain negative traits are loveable - and fat isn't one.
And I am a nightmare in some ways - I am absurdly sensitive and thin-skinned. And I have low self-esteem. I kind of think it's warrented - yes, I'm loyal and loving but that's no prize. Or at least, it cannot be the be-all and end-all.
He said unless things change, he can't see this marriage lasting. He knows I try with my weight but says it's like the child at school who you know will never be good at anything so you have to say that it's good to try.
So I must try harder. The starvation days are tough but I'm allowing things to slip into the non-starvation days because I feel I've earnt it - these things have to go. I know I would feel better about myself if I were slimmer - and if he loved me more and found me attractive, that would make me feel even better and clearly improve our relationship.
Funnily enough, I'm halfway through a non-weight post for here on how being beautiful isn't necessarily easy. At the moment at any rate, I'd take it with all its downsides.