In the calmer discussion, P said that he suspected I would be on some diet for the rest of my life. Well of course I will! I've long come to terms with this and it hadn't really occurred to me that he would or could think otherwise. Or at any rate, I will have to carefully monitor what I eat for ever. But at the moment, weight loss seems a long way off.
You may remember, dear Reader, how I finally screwed up my courage and approached Scales of Doom: I was Very Fat.2lbs. I've been pretty good this week - not crazy but careful and at the least 95% super super-strict, so I thought I'd have a sneaky peek today since I know there are a couple of hurdles - aka sociable eating occasions - over the weekend and wanted a truer picture. I have put ON 1/2-1lb. I am mystified and battling not to be totally discouraged by this.
And I am not going to be as good next week. Today we're going to an interesting new bar which specialises in craft beer - P is learning (and by this I mean drinking!) about US beer ahead of our trip there. They also specialise in proper welsh rarebit - essentially they have an extremely limited menu of salt beef or cheese things with sourdough. I love a crazily focussed menu and am looking forward to my rarebit even whilst I fear the bread. Tossing up whether to have half a cider (artisanal natch) or whether that is a hedonistic step too far. Then tonight we have Chinese food from M&S to celebrate the Year of the Snake. Tomorrow I am baking mini cookies for a project (and will almost certainly want to try one), Tuesday is pancake day and Thursday is Valentines and I'm meeting a friend for lunch. We're eating at home on Valentines night but it will involve wine even if the menu is cunningly low carb. The following week is looking dicey too - will tell you more on a later post.
It's that age old dichotomy of trying to balance life and dieting. I do not want to look back at a joyless desert of a life where I turn down every opportunity in grim determination that dieting must rule all. Nor do I want to be fatter - or as fat. The middle path is not something I'm good at, plagued as I am by anxiety and fear and 'what ifs'. Todays' sneak peek with SoD doesn't help.
Monday, Wednesday and Friday will be starvation days nonetheless and tomorrow can be very low carb. I just hope that's enough to balance the pancakes and the wine. I should be steady enough in my resolve and confidence that what I'm doing will ultimately get me there - but I'm not.