I think I’ve hit rock bottom at work. I am trying to think of this as a good thing because although I may languish here for a bit, it can’t get any worse unless they sack me. And that’s hard to do in the civil service and with years of good appraisals behind me.
Wednesday was appalling; it was a day without food again (just felt too sick) but a day in which I cried on two people; one was a friend but the other was a senior manager who just came over to say she was sorry I was being treated so badly but that I wasn’t alone in that, if it made me feel any better. It did a bit (which I know is wrong) but I just burst into tears and choked out “I’m so sorry, I’m just not used to people being kind” which, whilst pathetic, is true.
I had agreed with my manager to do a first draft of a major piece of work for when he came back in 3 weeks time. It was brought forward to 3 days time. I tried to explain why this wasn’t possible but to no avail. I managed something for a meeting with my head and deputy head of department; it was the wrong thing and they didn’t like it (despite me telling the deputy head what I was doing). I was torn to shreds in the meeting. And the information I needed to do my work, none of my contacts could understand a) why the rush (it’s for something at the end of October) and they were working to a previously agreed deadline and b) there was nothing they could say and they were mystified as to why it was getting this level of interest. I couldn’t explain since as far as I know (and that’s precious little) it’s simply about the egos in my office. At least, that’s what I’m choosing to believe because the alternative is that it’s simply aimed at making my life wretched for no good reason. But the lack of substance doesn’t prevent these two demanding that I find substance where there’s none. There’s no scrap that I can embroider into anything even, no matter what the pressure.
Then the Dep (Queen of Dementors) took another piece of work my manager was happy with, asked for proof he’d signed it off, then told me it wasn’t good enough.
I was in the office for 11 hours straight on Wednesday and 9 yesterday. I didn’t even dare leave my desk to get something to eat or go to the loo as I feared it would call attention to me. As it was, because I hadn’t eaten or drunk anything, I didn’t need the loo, so that was one problem solved I suppose.
One of our new and junior members of staff who was looking some stuff up for me actually asked me “Are you being punished for something? Because that’s what it feels like”. She’s really unhappy there and wants to leave because of the toxic culture where bullying is not just condoned but encouraged and the blame culture that leaves people frightened and unhappy. She wants to leave but she’s only been there 6 months and thinks she can’t. I’ve been there over 4 years and I think I must. Fingers crossed for the job I put my application in for last week – and that something else suitable comes along, I’m certainly scrutinising everything. And I'm leaving an escape tunnel behind me if I possibly can.
In diet news, well am hoping a day without eating and a day eating practically nothing will balance up the fish and chips planned for Saturday night. My official WI showed me 1lb up on the previous week but nearly 3lbs down on the unofficial post-weekend WI so there’s a lot of work to do and I need to keep on working hard at it. I walked past Ben’s Cookies last night and so strongly wanted to treat myself because of how miserable I feel – but managed not to and come home for a piece of fish and some courgettes instead. No, not the same thing at all is it?! But my one treat will be that supper and I mustn’t waver in any other respect. My brother’s asked me to make sure that my niece doesn’t have too many sweets or chocolate and says she’s “greedy”. Poor little girl, she’s only 9. But she doesn’t want to grow up like her Auntie, of that I am sure.