Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Midnight of the mind (and body)

They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And I have said myself recently that we are our own worst critics. So perhaps I shouldn't be surprised that when P and I have had a row, I feel really, really ugly. I'm not a pretty girl - neither pretty nor a girl any more indeed. I think if I were slim I'd be average, unremarkable. Being fat tips me into the munter camp. But never is this more evident to me than after a row. Right now I feel as if I cannot hold my head up in a public place for fear of seeing contempt on people's faces

I say 'after a row', but the truth is that I'm not sure it is 'after'. It started as something so trivial (to me) that I am not going to attempt to explain it as I don't think I could give P's views a fair representation. I avoid confrontation - I am cowardly this way. When I feel aggrieved or irritated, my inclination is to swallow it, to put it behind me and move on. P is not like me. He thinks I should be as open as he is - tonight makes me feel more than ever that he is wrong. Nothing is worth feeling like this.

It took about half an hour to explain myself to him tonight; he said he understood, I said I realised what I'd done, I thought that the row was over - he said it was over. But when I went to cuddle up to him and apologise for being a disappointment to him (invariably in these instances I am), he didn't want me near. I asked him to come to me when he was ready. He said he would. He's not. So he came to bed and turned on his side away from me and said he didn't want to discuss it. I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to leave tomorrow morning before I'm up. And he's out tomorrow night so we're looking at Thursday evening earliest before I'm forgiven - or not.

I expect he's asleep now but I can't sleep. My heart is pounding as if I've run somewhere fast, I feel hot and cold, my throat is sore with the effort of keeping the misery in check and adrenaline is coursing through me. I need as close to 8 hours sleep as I can get to function tomorrow and I won't get it - so tomorrow I'll feel physically and emotionally dreadful. I don't want to think about Thursday.

It helps to get this out, here. No matter if it's absurdly self-indulgent. My book - Jane Austen's Emma - is not going to be able to distract me (and indeed may torture me further if I get towards the ending). I know my expectations of life have been warped by fiction - I'm not a silly woman and I try to damp down any unrealistic romantic expectations (I know I'm not heroine material!) but somewhere, somehow I am still holding on for that 'happy ever after'. This isn't it. And, like an Austen woman, I'm left, powerless and passive, waiting for and hoping for this to pass.


Gabby said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. Even more than that, I'm so sorry that you seem to be blaming only yourself! You're not cowardly because you try to get over irritations and disappointments, you're mature.

P sounds like he is being selfish, immature, petulant, and cruel, frankly. I know it's hard but at least you should try to take comfort in the fact that you are CLEARLY the reasonable one, and in the right. I say this with confidence even though I know nothing about the argument - it's the reaction to the argument that's important.

It also makes me sad to hear you use such horrible words to describe yourself. I bet it's not true, and even if you disagree with me (which I'm sure you will) you must see that using such hateful words about yourself is not going to do much for your self esteem in the long run. You would never talk about a friend like that.

I hope that things improve soon and that P comes to his senses quicksmart and stops being an arse. AND that you can try to see all the wonderful things about yourself and your appearance that no doubt P sees (when he is in his right mind) and your friends see.

Seren said...

Oh, Peridot.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. One thing I do know is that you are not ugly. No one who writes so beautifully, is so eloquent, intelligent and witty could ever be called so. Beauty is not just in the eye of the beholder, but the eye of the blog reader as well.

Regardless of the rights and wrongs on the argument (not my place to comment) I think it is cruel to leave you in this emotional limbo you're currently in. And I think you have to discuss (maybe at a later stage) how you deal with your different emotional needs. It's all very well for him to want you to be "open" (speaking as someone whose husband is occasionally a closed book I can understand this need) but he needs to give something as well - and in this case it is the understanding that you need resolution.

I hope things get better quickly and smoothly. Thinking of you and wishing you well.


starfish264 said...

I hate seeing you (reading you?) being so upset - it seems so unfair. Like Seren, I feel that someone who writes so elegantly, and frequently makes me snort with laughter, can hardly be an "ugly" person. And frankly, some of the most "beautiful" people I know are the ugliest - being rotten on the inside can still spoilt the shallowly glorious exterior, whereas I always see the people I know, like and respect as being gorgeous.

Like you, I tend to avoid confrontation, even to the point where I should have bought something up long before - I don't think it's always a bad thing, and it's certainly a hard habit to break, but P sounds like he should be giving some credit to your world view too. I used to have a lot of angst with my mother because her view was that everyone should be brutally honest, that somehow it was less cruel, and she always said she couldn't understand what I was making such a fuss of and why I couldn't see things the same way - fundamentally we were just different, but I wish we'd respected that a bit more of each other - me for understanding and accepting, but more importantly, her for giving some allowance to my fragile self-esteem and not knocking it, even by accident.

My prescription would be spending some time with people who will reassure you right now, and remind you how great you are .... and then bloody well let P know how much he had upset you and why, and that it's not appreciated.

Much love x

Linz M said...

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. You are not ugly - I completely agree with Seren. Please don't beat yourself up and blame yourself for your OH's unwillingness to forgive.

Hope things are better today x