Tuesday, 26 April 2011

A big fat nothing

The sun shone and I made merry. A little too merry. I carefully weighed out 28g of Easter egg chocolate - then the next day I ate the rest of the shell. And I ate some of bf's peanuts. I don't think I was disasterously over but I am pretty sure I was conclusively over. We did 2 long walks - one of c12 miles and one of c9 miles. But it wasn't that - the excuse for being a bit lax. I just had one of those phases of being really weary with dieting all the time - and not getting the results. WI is tomorrow and will reveal all - including the fall out from my butter-rage I should think.

So, despite a weekend coming up away from the diet, I must not collapse into freefall calorie consumption.

But this evening bf has told me that he's fed up of me dieting - that we don't go out anymore because of it and I won't even share a bottle of wine with him (true - I only ever have 1 glass although I take issue with the going out bit). I can see that dieting does not make you fun company; I really do appreciate that. But then he tells me that I'm fat. Also true. But how to reconcile these two things - it beats me. There were other home truths (I'm messy and a hoarder (true) and meek (also true - can't imagine this is ever going to mean me inheriting the earth as I'd be too diffident to actually take it -"No, really, I couldn't, you have it")). I'm steeling myself to throw alot of stuff away (which makes me sad but there we go), but I cannot for the life of me see how I can be slim (a knotty, frustrating and constant problem at the best of times) and also drink and eat to the tune of his lifestyle.

I'm accepting that I'm going to have to bid a permanent farewell to chocolate (my personal choice of treat) in order to be more 'fun' with alcohol. But as a friend has warned me, it's a tightrope over the abyss of drunken 'sod-it' where I'll eat all the things I want whilst under the influence. Maybe he'd be a bit more tolerant if I were actually slim but it's not for want of trying.

More than ever (and he'd HATE this) I want to feel that he thinks he's getting a good deal in marrying me. Maybe I've read too many cheesy case studies where the man expresses awe and feelings of luck in bagging their bride. I'm pretty sure that he thinks I've got the better end of the bargain. I also want - oh how I want - him to look at me on our wedding day (assuming we get there at this rate as I feel pretty insecure about this at the moment) and think I'm, well, if not beautiful, at least attractive. At the moment he just sees fat. This doesn't make him a bad person, I think it's what most people see. I'd like to think there was more to me than this. But perhaps none of that matters.


Claire said...

Oh bloody hell woman...just read all that back. What would you say if a friend wrote that?

Your fella is being unreasonable and setting standards that no-one can meet. Drink more and lose weight? Besides which, why is he setting standards at all? Are you a child?

The only actual problem you have in that list you wrote is the meekness/lack of confidence. Tell him you are losing weight and he is going to have to put up with it. Do it for you. Not him.

There I've probably been too harsh/honest here but seriously read what you just wrote.

He should be honoured that you are marrying him. Your weight is irrelevant in that calculation. Who you are matters far more...and its you that needs to remember that. xxx

Fionna said...

I agree with the above. No-one can have it all (except a few VERY lucky people) being able to booze and scoff to their hearts content AND be slim. I'm afraid for most of us it's one or the other.
Be assertive and tell him he's damn lucky to have you, you're a great catch. I'm sure there must be things about him that annoy you - get him told. This honesty thing should work both ways.

Good luck with the weigh in - just keep on going xxxx

claire said...

(God, blogger just deleted the long comment i posted. Going to try to re-do it.)

I feel increidbly sad and angry reading this. Why must you be accepting of his lifestyle, when he is so unaccepting of yours?

Why does it matter to him that you choose to have just one glass of wine? That means you can ahve wine AND chocolate, which is pretty good for a diet. Can't he see any correlation between his sabotaging activity and your weight? And what damned business is if of his anyway? It's your body, despite the sense of ownership he seems to feel. This is your body, your health and your way of eating. Just like he is in control of his, you need to be in control of yours.

And why should he be more tolerant of you if you were slim? My god, this makes me see red. You marry the whole person - that means marrying you at any weight - even now, when he thinks you're 'fat'. He should marry you tomorrow. You marry the person, foibles and all - does he have none himself?

And yes, it does make him a bad person if, after all this time, he just looks at you and sees fat. (Did he say that? Are you reading between the lines?) You being slim is not a deal breaker for marriage - he should want to do it now, whatever you weigh.

These issues will be with you forever - you may be slim, but you will need to have a sustainable way of eating that lets you stay that way. And you'll probably always be a hoarder. I still am after 28 years. It's just YOU. He can either deal with it or not.

There is a French expression 'bien dans sa peau' - it means happy in your skin. It's used in a book called 'Boule de Suif' - yes, 'ball of fat' - but the main character of the same name is 'bien dans sa peau' - she is happy in her own skin with a sense of ownership of her own body. You need this - you need to feel this now, even though you're not happy with your weight. Your body is amazing - it does all this amazing stuff. It's more than just fat. If's YOU.

His lifestyle versus your life forever. You need to show him you're not meek (which he clearly wants to you to do) and OWN this for yourself.

Meek indeed - I suggest you go and either literally or metaphorically kick him in the balls before i find him and do so.

starfish264 said...

Gaaaaah - how can he possibly be so hypocritical to complain that you don't drink more, but that he's apparently not happy with how you look??? *Massive* double-standard!!! You're a woman, you're not as big as him, you're not *meant* to eat / drink as much as him - just look at the different medically recommended calorie / alcohol unit limits for men / women! He sounds like he seriously needs to pull his head out his ass and check his own flaws first.

You are fine, just the way you are, and he can't see that, then he's wrong, and dare I say it, wrong for you. There is a world of difference between having an intervention with someone over there weight because it's affecting there health, and just flat-out undermining their confidence. And if he's going to do either of the above, then he needs to put his money where his mouth is and be supportive of your efforts to lose weight.

It sounds like you're beginning to doubt your own worth, but without being too harsh, it sounds like you might want to look at his ... it doesn't sound like he's making you very happy right now, and that definitly isn't right in the run up to a wedding. And when you've decided on that - tell him! Meek is one thing, but standing up for yourself and your happiness is important - do it!!! xx