When the going gets tough

Well bully for the tough who get going - I am not in their gang.

I'm so tired. Really, really tired. I barely managed to turn the pedals going home last night. And although I did have the 2nd Alpen bar (which only took me to 1320 cals so not really worth the agonising) I still felt weak and shaky going home. Today I had an Alpen bar an hour before I set off for home tonight and got very bad shakes - so bad that I had to stop and get something. I can only get to one shop with my bike - it has a counter right by the door so I can keep my eye on my bike - and they didn't have dextrose tablets. They had seemed like the best idea as they're certainly not a treat so I wouldn't eat them willy-nilly. I had thought of jelly babies - which is what runners use - but I knew full well I'd eat the entire bag. After some internal debate I bought peanut M&Ms - they're easy to eat and the protein in the peanut helps balance the sugar rush from the chocolate. I still found it very hard to get home and now have had to ditch my planned evening meal, replacing the beef chilli with a veggie chilli and ditching my corn on the cob completely to keep calories down. I was really looking forward to that corn on the cob.... (absurdly high in calories though they are)

And why am I so tired? I know that I get tired before my period - but that's c10 days away and although it's suddenly become erratic, it can't reasonably be that. I'm still going to cycle tomorrow but I'm certainly going to buy some dextrose tablets to keep in my panniers. I did chase the results of my blood tests from the hospital last month, but I suspect that if they'd shown anything up I would have been told. And as the specialist said at the time, it's just too easy for that to be an answer to my weight loss difficulties. Not sure about the tiredness though.

Anyway, I still did my arm weights last night (3 times in 3 days now!) and I forgot to mention that I also did a 5.5 mile walk on Sunday. Question for anyone who knows - is it worth incorporating sit ups into my routine or would I just (at best) be building muscle undetectable underneath my blubber? I am hoping for a motivating loss on Friday - I am feeling very unappealling and lumpen at the moment.

I'm still having almost constant internal debates though about what to take (clothes) to Turkey - will I be able to fit into that skirt? Or those denim clam diggers ? Sure, I know short legged girls shouldn't wear cut off trousers but they're just so damn holiday-ish - even though I suspect the vision I have of them is more Audrey Hepburn than chubster-Peridot! Perhaps I had better have 2 packing lists - a fat list and a less fat list. And it adds to the whole trauma of swimwear buying too - do I buy a swimsuit (although I hanker after a tankini - only one without the muffin top gap though) that is technically my size now? Or one that would fit me now - which would probably be a size up? Or one that anticipates some weight loss? I'm leaning towards one that's technically my size now that would probably (hopefully) be a bit roomier by the time I go. But as I want an underwired tankini, it's incredibly expensive - both the top and knickers are the price of a whole swimsuit and then some. But give that I'll be wearing it on a walk that we hope to do, I need the support - and the easy loo access! These are not life or death questions I know, but they preoccupy me and make me anxious anyway.