On Thursday I will be 39. When is it that a birthday stops being something you get excited at the prospect of and instead becomes something that highlights the gulf between where you are and where you wanted to be? I've decided that the best I can do is accept that many of the things that I want are not available to me and just to concentrate on the small things and make the most of any opportunities which come my way.
It's a bit like the (my) perennial weight problem. I'm so unhappy with how I look at the moment (having had a bit of an extra shock here by seeing photos of me in my full blobby glory) that I feel desparate, despairing and I'm slightly freaking out. I had the sudden and unpleasant realisation that despite all the work and the anguish and the pain, I am now where most people START to lose weight. You know, where they say they suddenly realised how bad they looked. And - as PhD anti-fatter friend said, it's not as if I can carry a photo around with me to show that actually I have achieved something, that I'm not oblivious to my blubber, that I am a work (very much) in progress. I think that all I can do is to wear metaphorical blinkers and concentrate on the baby steps until hopefully one day I can look around me and find that the scenery has changed (for the better).
It's all tougher than it sounds...
The fat summit was great though. I was - as I had expected - the utter dunce of the group but I am so full of admiration and respect for the other two who are so much further down the line than I am. I took alot of food for thought away (the only kind of food with no calories!) and I'm going to try hard to use them as my inspiration (and possibly my personal gurus) to help me achieve even a little of what they have.
Last night I went to see The Ugly Truth. There is no chick flick that I would not enjoy I suspect. The more scathing the review, the more I know it's going to be good. It was of course, twaddle in a lot of ways but I have the deep suspicion that all it said about the shallowness of men was right on the button. My friend agreed. We also agreed that it would be very nice to look like Katherine Heigl - mainly the figure, hair (with the extensions she has put in to be more man-pleasing!) and teeth (and mouth generally). I wonder if life would be easier and more pleasant if you looked like that or whether it would just bring its own problems?