What goes down, in the world of Peridot, must come up - like a small child getting off a see-saw abruptly, slooowly down and whoosh!, back up. And I'm talking here about my weight. Yes, I have bitten the bullet and finally weighed myself. I have somehow managed to put on 11lbs in the last 3 weeks - which defies logic, gravity and (more importantly) all laws of fairness. I lose weight sooooo slowly but it whips back on with alarming and depressing speed.
And my weight really does link with my mood. I was aware that my most generous skirt was cutting in a bit yesterday but it was not until today that I had inescapable truth before me that I actually started feeling really, really miserable. Weight seems a constant war I am fighting with myself - and if you fight yourself you're always losing. Of course that should mean you're always winning too but somehow it never does feel like that. The war is exhausting and stretches on and on into my future in a bleak and hopeless sort of way.
I read last week that the famously "curvy" Scarlett Johansson (sp) has lost weight to look great at 8st something. She's the same height as me (5'4") and the before pic of 9st something did make her look ever so slightly podgy (I thought to my shame) - HOW CAN THIS BE? It had never occurred to me in my wildest dreams that I could ever, should ever aim for an 8st something weight and now getting to "attractive" seems even more unattainable than ever. Mind you, my friend's uncle was an extra in one of her films and says she is minute, despite the papers marvelling continuously at her 'curvines and 'voluptuousness'.
Irrespective of all this, I probably don't need to anguish about whether 8st or 9st would work - or even 10st; I am a long way off this. And I tried on my more generous summer work skirts last night and they didn't fit.
All this led to a panic and self-loathing today that shouted "cookie" at me. How crazy and perverse is that? I actually astound myself. I didn't have the cookie and I've been pretty good today but I'm not on the programme and I'm feeling very afraid - afraid to start, afraid to do anything, quite paralysed with fear. I will be back on the proper programme next week but am trying to keep a grip in the meantime, not looking too far ahead, and wean my way back towards full on committed Diet Chef. Because that's got to work, right? 1200 cals and cycling - that has to take off at least 2lbs a week, right? Please say so.
To even get back to where I was a month ago
- let alone into my skirts,
- let alone back to my lowest weight (currently a depressing 2st 3lbs away),
- let alone back to a healthy BMI,
- let alone to goal
seems insurmontable and beyond exhausting to contemplate.