Monday, 2 March 2009

Shame-faced but still standing

Thank you to everyone who put such thoughtful comments on my last post. I feel rather embarrassed about it actually as this is usually the stuff I keep well and truly buttoned down and barely even acknowledge to myself, let alone blurbing on and on.

I think part of my dissatisfaction is that I'm sick of being me - I wish I could slough myself off like a snake and turn into something/someone different. But of course even snakes don't actually manage that. And the last thing I need is a thinner skin - that's definitely part of the problem. Losing weight didn't make me a different person either - it was a bit easier to hold my head up, a bit easier to deal with life generally but I didn't suddenly become confident - okay, I didn't make it to officially slim but I don't think it would make much difference.

Bf hasn't referred to the outburst since then. He mentioned the fact I was "anxiously hovering" when he got in on Friday night - I was - and there was a slight chill in the air, but that's it and by Saturday all was back to normal. I know there will be another time though - I guess all I can do is try to change my reaction to it. I think, as Lesley says, having the self-esteem to stick to your guns and shrug off things that are actually other people's issues is the key (I'm paraphrasing and interpreting possibly). I need to be less anxious to please and just tougher, more self sufficient - but the trick is how I achieve this. But to answer another question, on balance this relationship is worth it - the good times do make up for these bad times but the bad times are pretty bad and I take them very much to heart. And maybe that's as much about me as him (see above).

I didn't weigh myself on Saturday - I felt too emotionally fragile to deal with even one more thing. We were at friends for dinner on Saturday night - it wasn't a lavishly calorific affair but I know that any deviation from the plan seems to mean no weight loss. This was not helped by the lovely intention of a friend sending me 6 of one of my favourite chocolate bars - I ate 2 on Saturday, figuring I couldn't count calories that day anyway (bonkers reasoning). I did cut down a bit extra yesterday to make up for all the excess - ironic since I was making Toblerone ice cream to have as pudding when friends come over for lunch on Saturday (which means being organised in advance hence the early preparation). I still had 2 of the bars but even so came in just over 1000 calories - only one bar left now since bf had one and I will be pleased to see them go, bad though that is given the kindness of my friend.

The Toblerone ice cream recipe cruelly had the calorie content next to it which was scary - and I'm making Toblerone cookies to go with it as just serving ice cream feels as if I've not put in sufficient effort (although it takes hours it's not hard to actually make) which I suspect are also in the scary category. I'll weigh myself before that and hope to counter the inevitable gain over the course of the week. I upped my running again today too - I'm now doing 6 mins run, 2 mins walk for 40 mins. My arse hurts now so hopefully that means it's realising it's not wanted and is decreasing. This just might be my last month of running if I can get Operation Eeek going (cycling) and not be killed in the process - by no means certain. Cycling the 50 mins tfl make it each way to and from work (and I guess I'll be slower at least to begin with) means I won't feel obligated to run. I think cycling burns fewer calories but I'll be doing more of it than the running. Zest reckoned that a 30 min commute by bike meant 1lb loss a week - I'll be doing almost double that but given my slow rate of weight loss I won't expect to lose double the lard. Would be nice though....


Mrs said...

Perhaps you needed to write it down to have greater understanding? That can only be a good thing.

Hope you manage to resolve things - internally and externally.

Big kiss.

Mrs Lxxxxxx

Lesley said...

I wish I'd had the bravery in the bad times to write down exactly what had happened in one of D and my spats rather than just alluding to it. It probably would have helped. We all know no relationship is perfect but, if you decide to stick with one, then what is important is HOW to a) make it better and b) preserve your own strength and integrity.

Don't feel embarassed - everyone rows and everyone compromises one way or another.

Keep up the good work and I hope you can find a way to feel better about yourself.

Lesley x

J said...

so pleased you are sounding a bit happier and sticking things out!Don't be embarrassed I think it's very brave to come out with this stuff and it really helps to know other people have parallels and in that you help us too xxx