Monday, 23 March 2009

A litany of poor excuses

Well, I seem to be bouncing on and off that wagon with such regularity that I ought to be one big bruise - perhaps it's showing up on my soul. I was back to being 'good' last week and then I used the fact that I knew I was going out for lunch with bf's parents and to a christening reception as an excuse to eat spectacularly off-piste on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And today a 45 min journey to work took 2 hours so I bought a cookie (was over-cooked so not even that nice) and have munched all day since then (albeit on fruit and an extra nairn biscuit pack allowed on diet). I really have to get this all or nothing bonkers mentality out of my system.

I became a godmother on Sunday. I am really quite anti-religious so I'm something of a hypocrite. But I see myself as very much of the fairy godmother school - if a stupidly heavyweight version - fun, frivolity and absolutely no dreary moralising, duty or sucking of teeth.

It was a double christening and we went back to the other child's house for something to eat and drink - it was a lovely day and the garden was filled with perfect Boden-esque families and I had that strange feeling again where I asked myself where the turning in my life was that meant that I'll never have this. I think actually I was never on that road - beats wondering and wondering anyway. It's not even as if I think I want children but I would have liked a solicitous and charming husband and family house - especially a big house in the country with a golden retriever! So I went back to our small flat and ate a creme egg! I may not be living the dream but I can at least batton down the feelings with sickly fondant for 50p - yum.

I keep having flashbacks to all those tall, handsome men and their elegant confident wives - I guess I would never fit! I'm short, tubby, under-confident and usually badly dressed. I stood out - in a bad way. They all had understated graceful outfits on, appropriate for church and the solemnity of the occasion, and I had a kneelength cord skirt with ribbons round it from ebay (that didn't fit anyway), lacy tights and knee length heeled boots. I looked like a scruffy scrubber. I hasten to add, not so much like a scrubber that I didn't have a top on - I had a cotton camisole type top with a knitted cardi-style top which tied at the bust and had a gauze flounce around the edges and wrists. I was so badly dressed that I still feel that hot flush of shame when I think of it. Not surprisingly, none of the elegant couples talked to me except my friend, her husband and parents and the other child's parents. And bf of course - who, in a suit, of course looked fine.

We may be going to friends for dinner next Saturday but I'm resolved to not use that as an excuse to gorge all weekend. Perhaps I'd have the right things to wear, and look better in them, if I didn't eat rubbish. Must try and remember that.


Lesley said...

Oh rats; there's nothing like a posh social ocasion when you're feeling fat and frumpy to reinforce all those horrible "I'm not worthy" messages. But, did you remember that YOU are the Fairy Godmother?!! Not the Boden bints... .

Your friend clearly values your friendship sufficiently to chose you over all those others so stuff them.

I do think though, on a more serious note, that feeling bad about yourself is a self-fulfilling prophey. You feel fat; you're dieting; you don't want to buy nice clothes until you "get there" so you wear a make-shift outfit and you feel like crap; eat food to make you feel better...etc etc

You said in a comment on Mrs L's blog that you want to learn how to lose while still eating (like me) so maybe it's time we both accepted that this is going to take time. Take the pressure off and buy a few nice things to wear in the meantime so we can at least enjoy ourselves on the way?? I am living in a very limited wardrobe but have been thinking recently that it is counter-productive. I would be better dressing well, valuing myself and learning to be kind to myself (not just stuff myself) from the inside.

What do you say??

Big hug chuck - and your outfit sounded nice to me. Bet it was more trendy that some of those Boden girls (I can't stand it myself...does NOTHING for me).

Lesley x

Claire said...

There sounds like there is a real connection between feeling bad about yourself and eating crap. True for everyone I suppose. Have you tried exagerating the feelings to see how ridiculous they were? Were you really the worst dressed woman there? If so was that a crime? Should you be punished? Cos that's what the food is - seems like a big punishment for a tiny 'crime' to me.

I'm sure you looked fab and I bet at least some of the women thought 'I wish I could wear something like that rather than the same as everyone else.'

But even if they didn't - sod em! Your self esteem is built within you and shouldn't be affected by others - not easy I know!

It's like in your head you are in the playground and some girl is being mean to you. But in the playground your mate would come up and punch her! Can't you play all 3 roles rather than just being you with a bully? Can't you invent some protective friend who comes to the rescue?

Sorry an essay from me here but I was thinking about what you said and these days I do have a protective voice in my head that tells the bully to piss off. I wish the same for you. x

Mrs said...

Wise words from wise women!

Really hope you find your way, Peridot. And remember, YOU are indeed the fairy godmother!

Big kiss

Mrs Lxx