A material world

I have become aware that I have yet another bonkers disjoint in my head. Because I am so miserable at the moment: with work, with my weight, with my general appearance (not just the weight but I'm growing my hair and it's at that 'difficult' stage and I've got some big spots that take ages to clear), with my lack of self-discipline and general feebleness, my sub-conscious is constantly ferreting about for ways to make me feel better - by buying my way out. This is another vicious circle that I'm trapped in. Feeling like this makes me want to buy clothes - because if I think I look good that will lighten my mood - but (short of a miracle) I am not going to look good because of the weight I've put on and how that makes me feel. So constantly looking for clothes and trying them on just reinforces how miserable I feel about myself. And the only other treat I come up with is - guess - chocolate (or occasional forays into cookies/cakes) which as anyone with an iota of sense will know, just feeds (and I choose my word with care) the deterioration of my physical appearance. So then I feeel more miserable and..... And you know the rest.

I have been trying to use other people as inspiration. I look at girls in the street and if they look nice (read: attractive and slim) I desparately want to be like them and I try and use this to fuel my attempts to diet. If you can see that they've recently put on weight (there's alot of women wearing things straining at the button (and I'm one of them)) I use that to draw a parallel with my own position and try and use that as motivation. It just makes me feel miserable.

My mother uses self-loathing to get herself on a diet - she whips herself up into a frenzy and that does it for her. I certainly feel the self-loathing but it doesn't seem to actually DO anything but make me miserable.