Silence is ominous

It's been ages since I last wrote - and you can always assume from that that it's not going well. In fact I had got myself so worked up and in such a negative twisted spiral that I've just stopped to try and sort myself out a bit. I was consistently having a bar in the morning then falling prey to the smack table and so not having any further packs to compensate. It was seriously doing my head in - literally. I seemed to have nothing in between packs and binge. So, given that I was going to stop this Friday for a bit anyway, I actually stopped last Friday. I am trying to find some calm and moderate eating - which I am doing and doing much better than the faux packs diet - but still finding difficult, the lure of sugar is no less seductive with some fruit, veg and protein inside me. My fear was that I'd come off packs and eat everything in sight, thus compounding that pattern of behaviour where I'm either starving (packs) or binging. Especially since I'm essentially stopping to treat myself on my birthday before we go away - and I will be having carby stuff that day that I would ordinarily not have (really! There is a lot of denial in my diet - it probably just doesn't sound like it!) like scotch pancakes for breakfast which will be the kiss of death I know, as I will be hungry again about 2 hours afterwards but will thoroughly enjoy and will simply eat something else as nutritionally bankrupt when I get hungry again!

I have kept up the running. I even tried to up my runs - I'm currently doing 40 mins of run for 3 mins, walk for 1 min but I tried to alternate 4 mins and 3 mins run. I only managed 2 x 4 mins runs and on the third had to cut it to 3mins - and then needed to walk 2 mins to recover before I could run again and even then I could barely run I was so tired with such wobbly legs! Now, it was the day before my period started which is when I'm particularly tired and weak but even so, the level of exhaustion was still very pronounced and I've been too scared to try again since then. Again, I'll do my normal 3 runs this week but next week will only be 1 or 2 and then I'll be in Wales for the next 2 weeks. So currently, the plan is to come back from Wales, start running again (which I know from experience will be tough) and once I've got used to that again, then have another go at increasing the runs.

Bf got very narked with me this morning as I went out running in the rain. I thought I was being rather heroic and was rather impressed with myself but he was extremely annoyed and thought I was stupid and irresponsible (and worse words) as I just went in leggings and a t-shirt as normal. I did get quite wet but wasn't cold, but as he was leaving the flat - frothing at the mouth with irritation and crosspatchness - he was saying something technical about warmth/coldness which I didn't understand. He ran for the county as a teenager and knows alot more about it than I do (not hard!) and I think he makes the assumption that I know some of this stuff too. I really didn't think there was a problem in getting wet (apart from aesthetics!) but it sounds as if there might be - would rather he didn't get so angry with me about it though, I would have been happy to listen to advice. Have sent friendly email as an olive branch and hope he won't still be annoyed when he comes home tonight (but will fret about the prospect all day).