Down and under

My weight is finally starting to shift downwards. This is just as well as I had put on 10lbs since I started IPD - and was a further 2lbs up on my lowest ever weight. I'm still 6lbs up, mind you, but I'm hoping this is the start of a (downwards) trend. I had put on two lots of 3lbs on on sugar-fests - the team building day and shortly thereafter. The second time I actually quite scared myself (not enough to put down the biscuit you understand) as I had about 8 biscuits and a 100g bar of dark chocolate and got heart palpitations. I don't even like dark chocolate and had bought it as a) it's semi allowed and b) since I didn't like it I wouldn't scarf the lot. Wrongggggggg. That was over a week ago now and there have been no "incidents" since then. Although I think I have yet to be put sorely to the test (more of this later).

And still running - now on 3 mins run, 2 mins walk for 35 mins. Hard work. I don't think I'm ever going to enjoy running but I grimly hang in there and wait for the weight to drop off and my legs to be less chunky.

It was with some relief and a sense of desparation that I went for my appointment with Marissa Peer on Friday. It wasn't at all what I was expecting. She did that thing that I've always thought of as utter baloney where you hold your arm out with a clenched fist and a variety of food in your other hand and you have your arm pushed down to see how strong it is and therefore how your body is weakened by said food. Now I'm bloody minded and I was determined to keep my arm up - at all times but especially with chocolate - but down it went. I was okay with flour stuff - bread and pasta, not great on dairy but significantly appalling on sweets and even more so on chocolate. Bizarre. Marissa explained it by saying that the small quantities going in to my skin and the particles entering my nose were enough to have a reaction. And there was a reaction all right. My arm really ached the next day from my determination to keep it up. And Marissa is an ethereal looking blonde - I very much doubt she's stronger than me. Then after lots of questions about food, my childhood etc I had the hypnosis. She got me to come up with scenes from my past that explained my sugar addiction. I was panicked that I wouldn't be able to but I did. It was actually rather traumatic and I did get quite upset but it does make sense. In a nutshell, my father was an out and out bully and a control freak - probably still is but I'm glad to say I haven't seen him for 3 years - and was particularly controlling about sweets and chocolate. I never felt 'normal' as a child because of this and never got to enjoy sweet stuff without either eating it behind his back or in a very controlled fashion. So my obsession is partly rebellion about those early experiences - fed by being on an almost permanent diet since the age of 14 whereby eating it meant guilt in any case. Hence the cycle of gorging with recriminations and self-loathing and then periods of denial but constant preoccupation. I can't remember all of the hypnosis part - and it's long and rather painful in any case - but in essence I have to tell myself that I can have whatever I want, and as much of it, but that I also want to be slimmer. So far, this makes sense but as I say, we haven't had a big smack table since then - I've resisted sweets today but didn't like the cake in any case! She will send me a CD of what she said which I have to listen to every night to reinforce it. Not sure how to position this with bf. He doesn't know I went and would be appalled - because of the money.

At the end of the week I'm away for 10 days with my mother - walking in Wales with the labradors. This will test my virtue up to a point - and I am intending some treats - but also make it easier to intensively listen to the CD which will be good. Also looking foward to walking every day - hope the weather stays like this! Last year I ate what I wanted and STILL lost 4lbs but I do want to build on the concept of not having to dive headfirst into the nearest vat of sugar, inhaling madly. Marissa says my addiction is psychological, not physical - wonder if that's better or worse?