As I have commented on Mrs L's most excellent blog (http://thelardarms.typepad.com/the_lard_arms/), I'm re-reading The Perfect 10 by Louise Kean. It's chick-lit but it's fascinating because it's about a girl who has lost 8st (or thereabouts) and how the world treats her differently. It's clearly semi-autobiographical as the author went from a size 24 to a 12 in a year (mostly through exercise as far as I can work out). Now (very) clearly I'm nowhere near at the slim end of my journey but I can identify with the mixture of hostility and contempt that Sunny (the heroine) refers to in her 'fat life' - and the fact that as she says, (and annoyingly I can't find the bit to quote from) that she suddenly becomes visible when slim, despite taking up half the space she did when fat (and seemingly invisible). She talks about strangers hissing insults at her ("fat bitch"). I wouldn't be surprised if every person on LL has experienced some of that malice. And then it sounds like people are also experiencing another sort of hostility from 'friends' who clearly have alot invested in them being overweight and can't help a few bitchy comments and snide digs. Why do we work so hard to make other people feel bad? Does that make anyone feel good? It shouldn't. When my friend lost weight on the divorce diet, despite the fact that it made me feel uncomfortable about my own weight problem, I congratulated her, complimented her and buried my jealousy really deep inside so that it never made her suffer. God knows I'm no paragon but surely you'd be pleased for your friends' triumphs? Surely you wouldn't try and boost your own self-esteem at the expense of another's?
A few weeks ago there was some spurious medical research widely publicised in the media, saying you should avoid having overweight friends as it somehow 'rubbed off'. What rubbish. And what nasty, malicious, narrow-mindedness. Fat-bashing seems to be one of the few prejudices that's still socially acceptable (apart from ginger-bashing - and yes, I am a redhead too!). You'd never say to someone that you weren't prepared to be their friend because they were too poor, too badly dressed or from the wrong social/ethinic background to be aspirational for you.
And some poor girl on Minis was actually told by a so-called friend in an oh-so-humourous way that she couldn't be her friend any more as she didn't want to get fat too, referring to these reports.
I think - like any prejudice - that it's all about fear. Almost every person has the capacity to be fat and they know it. But you don't catch it like herpes, people. Perhaps people should put their effort into being the best person they can be (on the INSIDE too - we're so obsessed with appearances over everything else) and not looking to criticise others.
Okay, that turned into a rant and now I need to go and calm down lest I do some rude person an injury on the rush-hour tube! See you all on Monday (I'm having a fun-packed day cleaning the flat tomorrow!).
Thursday, 16 August 2007
Tuesday, 14 August 2007
Day 50 - half time
Alas, if only I were allowed to suck orange quarters (do they still do that? Probably not, they're on on vile Sunny D nowadays) as even that would be rather exciting at present. I may go wild and have a celebratory orange water flavouring. I know how to live, oh yes, hedonism-r-me.
I've had a tempestuous 50 days - not a roller coaster as I've mostly been down. But I have high hopes for the next 50! At WI yesterday I had a good loss - 6lbs. Okay, it's not enough to clear the deficit I've built up so far in terms of not losing the 3 1/2lbs a week I should be, but after the previous week where I put on almost a lb, it's a whole other place to be and I like this place so much more! I'm cautiously pleased without wanting to set myself up for a fall again if next week reverts to pathetic trend. If however, I have another 6lbs loss next week (or near enough) I will officially be ecstatic. You've never seen me like that - so be warned!
I had such a rotten Friday too. It was my lowest ebb since starting LL - and we're talking looooooooooooooooow. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself after missing out on all the cheese (and bread, biscuits and other enticing nibbly bits) in the office on Friday, then went to my mum's where she'd cooked some amazing smelling garlicky, chilli prawn pasta dish for herself and b/f. I sat at the table and it was all I could do not to sob. B/f offered to do me a soup but it actually felt more of an insult than having nothing. They had to coax me into having a pack which I finally did very sulkily at 10pm. I am so sorry for them as each mouthful must have stuck in their throats with me being so pitiful and pathetic. Was back there the next day though and watched them eat homemade quiche and salad with apparent equanimity (inwardly it was a seething mass of jealous flavoured emotions) for lunch. I think it was the 2 things so close together - resisting cheese and all his cheese-related friends all afternoon and then going back to watch a gorgeous meal being eaten under my (hyper sensitive) nose.
The meeting was still pretty frustrating though - the counselling really is inadequate. The discussion is the best bit but the LLC tries to minimise that - to get back to her script, delivered in a bright sing-song voice, as though we're sub-normal toddlers. I've been thinking a bit about post-100 days and what I'll do when I get back from holiday. I find the expense quite difficult and I don't feel I'm getting value for money to make this more palatable (this experience seems to be exacerbated in Development from what I hear) so I think I might go and do CD until I'm at target (if that's even possible - I'm not sure) as it's cheaper and apparently their packs taste better but then I'd like to go back to LL for Management. Not sure it's possible but they want my money so they may take me back. Only thinking about it vaguely at the moment - I have a long time to decide - but one of the girls from my group would be up for doing the same with me. She has less to lose than me and has better success in dropping more significant amounts of weight - but keeps cheating big time (we're talking McDonalds and Haagan Daz ice cream parlours amongst others!) so we may be more evenly matched as we go forward unless she really knuckles down. I hope she does for her sake. It's not an easy ride so why prolong that longer than you have to?
I've had a tempestuous 50 days - not a roller coaster as I've mostly been down. But I have high hopes for the next 50! At WI yesterday I had a good loss - 6lbs. Okay, it's not enough to clear the deficit I've built up so far in terms of not losing the 3 1/2lbs a week I should be, but after the previous week where I put on almost a lb, it's a whole other place to be and I like this place so much more! I'm cautiously pleased without wanting to set myself up for a fall again if next week reverts to pathetic trend. If however, I have another 6lbs loss next week (or near enough) I will officially be ecstatic. You've never seen me like that - so be warned!
I had such a rotten Friday too. It was my lowest ebb since starting LL - and we're talking looooooooooooooooow. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself after missing out on all the cheese (and bread, biscuits and other enticing nibbly bits) in the office on Friday, then went to my mum's where she'd cooked some amazing smelling garlicky, chilli prawn pasta dish for herself and b/f. I sat at the table and it was all I could do not to sob. B/f offered to do me a soup but it actually felt more of an insult than having nothing. They had to coax me into having a pack which I finally did very sulkily at 10pm. I am so sorry for them as each mouthful must have stuck in their throats with me being so pitiful and pathetic. Was back there the next day though and watched them eat homemade quiche and salad with apparent equanimity (inwardly it was a seething mass of jealous flavoured emotions) for lunch. I think it was the 2 things so close together - resisting cheese and all his cheese-related friends all afternoon and then going back to watch a gorgeous meal being eaten under my (hyper sensitive) nose.
The meeting was still pretty frustrating though - the counselling really is inadequate. The discussion is the best bit but the LLC tries to minimise that - to get back to her script, delivered in a bright sing-song voice, as though we're sub-normal toddlers. I've been thinking a bit about post-100 days and what I'll do when I get back from holiday. I find the expense quite difficult and I don't feel I'm getting value for money to make this more palatable (this experience seems to be exacerbated in Development from what I hear) so I think I might go and do CD until I'm at target (if that's even possible - I'm not sure) as it's cheaper and apparently their packs taste better but then I'd like to go back to LL for Management. Not sure it's possible but they want my money so they may take me back. Only thinking about it vaguely at the moment - I have a long time to decide - but one of the girls from my group would be up for doing the same with me. She has less to lose than me and has better success in dropping more significant amounts of weight - but keeps cheating big time (we're talking McDonalds and Haagan Daz ice cream parlours amongst others!) so we may be more evenly matched as we go forward unless she really knuckles down. I hope she does for her sake. It's not an easy ride so why prolong that longer than you have to?
Friday, 10 August 2007
And there's more angst where that came from
Can I just say that I really don't like the person I've turned into on this diet. I want to be one of those people who feel bursting with health, that the weight is dropping off and consequently they feel happy, energised, motivated and excited about their future. There seem to be many of those people on Minis and I envy them - I'm happy for them but I really do envy them too. I don't want to be grumpy and unhappy and anxious and envious. I want to feel that every time I miss out on some delicious food opportunity it's worth it because I can see such an improvement in the way I look (and feel too but to be honest (and shallow) I'm principally doing this because I want to look good).
I'm hanging in there though, I still have a flicker of hope (that I'm almost afraid to acknowledge) that at some point - hopefully soon - it will all click into place and the magic will work for me too and I won't be that child with her nose pressed against the window, watching the others on the inside and hoping to be allowed in to be with them and to be like them, one of them.
I'm hanging in there though, I still have a flicker of hope (that I'm almost afraid to acknowledge) that at some point - hopefully soon - it will all click into place and the magic will work for me too and I won't be that child with her nose pressed against the window, watching the others on the inside and hoping to be allowed in to be with them and to be like them, one of them.
Day 46 - Frantic bid for weight loss
I can honestly say I've done everything I can to help myself to a good WI on Monday. But still I have no faith (which according to wise LLC is the sole reason the weight isn't just dropping off - v scientific that). I have walked in every day, I have an active weekend planned, I have drunk 6l of water every day, I have drunk 2 cups of nettle tea every day (bleurgh!), I have taken lots of water flavourings and added in psyllium husks. Given my poor results over the last 3 weeks though I am looking at 9 1/2lb loss needed to get back on track for the 1st a month promised. I didn't lose that in my first week so it seems very unlikely. And with the exception of the tea and husks - none of this is new.
I have to say that my rings are tight today though. They have been slightly loose so possibly there's something in the theory that I'm retaining water - but this is with the extra water and the pond-water tea. I'm so anxious about all of this that it's seeping into my whole life. I have heard anxiety makes you slim but in that case I should be having to eat cream cakes to keep weight on! And that would be dreadful. Ahem.
Today in my super-greedy office we are having a cheese and wine afternoon. Cheese is something that I've really missed - although not something I was fixated on before LL. I bought some Colston Bassett stilton from Neals Yard Dairy (the best Stilton from the best cheese shop ever!) as my contribution and could weep at the prospect that I can't taste it. I've told them that my mum is cooking dinner for me and the b/f tonight so I mustn't go there full up. Of course, she is cooking dinner - but for b/f, not me. And she's made him one of her amazing homemade quiches for lunch since he's over there slaving on her garden on a day's leave today (bless him). I don't like shop-bought quiche (or anything pastry-y) but my mum's quiche is sublime. But I have mushroom soup - wanna swop?! Will be worth it if I can actually lose the f**ing 9 1/2lbs - that's what I keep telling myself. Will next get a chance to update this blog after the next WI, week 7, halfway through. Think of me.
I have to say that my rings are tight today though. They have been slightly loose so possibly there's something in the theory that I'm retaining water - but this is with the extra water and the pond-water tea. I'm so anxious about all of this that it's seeping into my whole life. I have heard anxiety makes you slim but in that case I should be having to eat cream cakes to keep weight on! And that would be dreadful. Ahem.
Today in my super-greedy office we are having a cheese and wine afternoon. Cheese is something that I've really missed - although not something I was fixated on before LL. I bought some Colston Bassett stilton from Neals Yard Dairy (the best Stilton from the best cheese shop ever!) as my contribution and could weep at the prospect that I can't taste it. I've told them that my mum is cooking dinner for me and the b/f tonight so I mustn't go there full up. Of course, she is cooking dinner - but for b/f, not me. And she's made him one of her amazing homemade quiches for lunch since he's over there slaving on her garden on a day's leave today (bless him). I don't like shop-bought quiche (or anything pastry-y) but my mum's quiche is sublime. But I have mushroom soup - wanna swop?! Will be worth it if I can actually lose the f**ing 9 1/2lbs - that's what I keep telling myself. Will next get a chance to update this blog after the next WI, week 7, halfway through. Think of me.
Tuesday, 7 August 2007
And ANOTHER thing
Aka another moan!
WHY do I have all the rubbish side effects of this diet - weary, weak, headachy, constipation, possible bloating now too, but not the good ones - energy, clear skin and weight loss?
WHY do I have all the rubbish side effects of this diet - weary, weak, headachy, constipation, possible bloating now too, but not the good ones - energy, clear skin and weight loss?
Day 43 - Bad to worse
I can't even post on Minis as I don't want to discourage people who are doing well - at WI last night I had PUT ON 0.66lb. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? Typically my LLC was no use whatsoever - she said perhaps it was TOTM, I told her that was last week, so she said "oh well, perhaps it still is, it can really mess up your cycle". Then she said it wasn't much - hello? What part of not 3.5lbs off but 0.66lbs on do you not understand? That makes it a deficit of nearly 4.5lbs in my book. Then she said it was down to negative thinking. I don't know how I didn't rip her head off. I follow the diet (I drink the water and I take the packs and I don't eat) and I expect it to yield results - it's a question of science not mysticism. And actually I expected to lose 5-6lbs minimum to make up for my previous poor results in the last 3 weeks.
A friend in the group rang her aunt who has done LL and is a source of much wisdom and she can only think I'm retaining water. I don't feel as if I am - clothes not tighter, ankles not puffier - but will try ANYTHING. I've bought nettle and fennel teas and psyllium husks to try and address any water retention and I know I'm still, er, bunged up. I was trying to get Mrs L's recommendation of Solgar p husks but nowhere sells them and now drastic measures are called for and so I've had to buy Holland and Barrett (I know their stuff is not supposed to be very good but it's the best I can do in terms of immediacy). I don't think this could equal 6lbs+ though so I don't think it's an explanation - and I cannot think of an explanation. I am perplexed and very very upset. I find this diet hard but I do it - but what is my motivation now?
Yesterday I was at a briefing where there was a mound of soft, chewy double chocolate chip cookies. I had to resist them for about 3 hours. I actually wish I hadn't - at least if I had eaten one and put on the weight I would know why and knuckle down with increased vigour. As it is I feel bewildered, cheated and miserable.
A friend in the group rang her aunt who has done LL and is a source of much wisdom and she can only think I'm retaining water. I don't feel as if I am - clothes not tighter, ankles not puffier - but will try ANYTHING. I've bought nettle and fennel teas and psyllium husks to try and address any water retention and I know I'm still, er, bunged up. I was trying to get Mrs L's recommendation of Solgar p husks but nowhere sells them and now drastic measures are called for and so I've had to buy Holland and Barrett (I know their stuff is not supposed to be very good but it's the best I can do in terms of immediacy). I don't think this could equal 6lbs+ though so I don't think it's an explanation - and I cannot think of an explanation. I am perplexed and very very upset. I find this diet hard but I do it - but what is my motivation now?
Yesterday I was at a briefing where there was a mound of soft, chewy double chocolate chip cookies. I had to resist them for about 3 hours. I actually wish I hadn't - at least if I had eaten one and put on the weight I would know why and knuckle down with increased vigour. As it is I feel bewildered, cheated and miserable.
Wednesday, 1 August 2007
Day 38 - not imploded in a mess of tears and self-pity
Firstly, thanks so much to Lesley and Mrs L - I know you really understand and that means alot.
Yes, still here, still LL-ing. I am just going to go for it and hope for the best. B/f was very sympathetic when I arrived home so upset (and subsequently) but wondered if I've set my goals too high. I don't think I did, I tried to be realistic but realistically I guess I know that I'm unlikely to achieve them - in the time frames I set (and maybe not at all). I am trying not to think too far ahead now but just deal with each day as it comes. If I don't lose 3st minimum in Foundation I know I will be disappointed but I'll see what happens and not let this fear dissuade me from doing my best.
Yes, still here, still LL-ing. I am just going to go for it and hope for the best. B/f was very sympathetic when I arrived home so upset (and subsequently) but wondered if I've set my goals too high. I don't think I did, I tried to be realistic but realistically I guess I know that I'm unlikely to achieve them - in the time frames I set (and maybe not at all). I am trying not to think too far ahead now but just deal with each day as it comes. If I don't lose 3st minimum in Foundation I know I will be disappointed but I'll see what happens and not let this fear dissuade me from doing my best.
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