Thursday, 8 December 2011

The horror, the horror

I keep having nightmares. On Monday I dreamt that I was being chased by T-Rex (the dinosaur, not the 70s band – although I do, admittedly, fear a poodle perm). I was hiding and hoping it wouldn’t find me whilst I could hear it breathing just above me. I awoke with my heart pounding and feeling very unrested. On Tuesday though, the nightmare was worse. I was in a fitting room in my underwear, trying on wedding dress after wedding dress – they all looked absolutely dreadful. Tears were pouring down my face and I felt wretched, demoralised, inadequate and very fat and ugly. Somehow this was more terrifying- I doubt that I’ll ever be chased by T-Rex (either the band OR the dinosaur) but the second nightmare could all too easily be true. In fact, it could be a prophesy.

I imagine it came from a combination of a constant level of anxiety about just this, the knowledge that in April I will actually have to start looking for a dress and my experience in the Levis shop last week.

Now I am not a girl who has posh jeans. There’s no point – there is no denim, no matter how miraculous, that can disguise the fact that I am dumpy. But my mother wanted some black skinnies. Hilariously she told the assistant she was a size 12 – I gave her A Look, “a 10-12” she amended. The assistant and I looked at each other dubiously; she brought out a 10; it was too big. They had 20% off. “Why don’t you get some jeans?” asked my mother merrily, and against my better judgement, I tried them on. They looked pretty much as jeans do on a dumpy person. And despite their famous curve system, they still gaped at the back – and the next size down cut me in half (I felt like a tube of toothpaste that had been ruthlessly squeezed in the middle). On the plus side, I wasn’t tempted to spend money I can’t afford, but on the minus side, I felt pretty low.

That was before I weighed myself and found I put on 2lbs from my very abstemious and minimal participation in her birthday celebrations. Seriously, I made cocktails all evening and didn’t have one (I like cocktails). I did have a Carluccio’s chocolate meringue which made my heart absolutely race though – and I do not speak metaphorically. Anyway, by WI I’d lost the 2lbs and an additional ½ lb. This is not getting me very far towards escaping my nightmare/prophesy though.

Tonight is our Christmas party – I won’t be eating or drinking anything (other than water). I have a week ahead mercifully empty of any social event with emotional arm-twisting of food/drink consumption to overcome.

1 comment:

Call me Ishmael said...

Hmmmm, my psuedo-Freudian take on your two dreams would be that you wish you could set fire to your wedding dress -- and if you were a fire-breathing dragon, you could! OK, maybe you don't want to torch your actual dress...but perhaps the stress around it is getting too hot to handle? Anyway, my inane Friday afternoon psychobabble aside (we just had a work lunch and I drank a bloody mary), I'm pretty impressed at your abstemious weekend, and that you immediately got rid of the 2lbs that briefly popped up. That's pretty amazing work, in my book. Also, if you were a real T-Rex, you'd never get a wedding dress that fit, so I think you're in much better shape now than you realize.