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I cycled today. I couldn’t see from our flat’s windows that it was drizzling – we overlook a park and grass looks the same whether it’s dry or wet. I found out when I actually cycled out of the garages. Had I known, I don’t think I would have cycled – I don’t like the way that the rain makes the roads more skiddy, especially with all the fallen leaves at this time of the year. And I don’t like the way the drops cling to my cycle glasses, making the world dangerously blurry. The whole way in I was chuntering in my mind about this. And it was tough – I’ve not properly cycled for about 5-6 weeks what with the holiday and the being ill. But you just can’t knock the 1200+cals that it apparently burns.

Thank you everyone who commented – I still feel a bit sheepish and guilty that I dumped all that down. I’m very much of the ‘bottle it all up’ school. But I do appreciate your support; I think it makes me a very little stronger as I try to do the things that will make me less fat and resist the short term satisfaction of eating the ‘wrong’ thing. (Btw, I had been having The Big Purple One (giant Quality Street filled with caramel and hazelnuts) as my chocolate ‘treat’ as I love them – yesterday I found out that one has 189cals so that’s the end of that). I may even reluctantly look at a few size 18 clothes on ebay. But oh, I don’t want to go back there. Except I’m already there, in 18-land, just in 16 clothes, aren't I? And to think my 14s were all getting quite roomy last summer (as in 2008, not the one just gone). I could cry. I have cried. But now I have to get on my bike and DO something about it. And no, eating chocolate doesn’t count. If only my head could rule on this – always the feeling that it will make me feel better, that I deserve it wins. Even though I know that in the long run it will make me feel much, much worse.