Had yourself a merry little Christmas?

Peversity thy name is Peridot! On Christmas Eve I actually started hankering to be able to diet! I even had a mild impulse to go for a run. Why? Well, it's a big question and probably involves me smacking my head against a wall to try and knock some sense into myself but the only thing I could think of was that it was - because I couldn't. AmI just so plain awkward that I automatically want what I can't have? In which case, all I'd need to do is convince myself that I HAVE to have lots of chocolate and feel over-full to propel me rapidly in the direction of frugal salad nibbling (I do like salad by the way). The only problem is that I'm not sure I'd believe myself - I really am a rubbish liar. Of course, this could have all been set in motion by a reluctance to eat my mother's pudding which was some raspberry, marscapone and white chocolate tart in hazelnut pastry thingy. Hazelnuts - tick, raspberries - tick, marscapone - tick, tick, pasty - hmmm, not keen but white chocolate- bleurrrgghhh. And yet she'd worked so hard to make it so I ate it, begrudging the calories and really not liking it. I successfully evaded all the rest of it though - my bf heroically ate pretty much all of the rest of it.

The big D(iet) is a-coming but I'm not there yet. I have been ill right the way through Christmas, despite pretending to myself and everyone else that I was okay. But I wasn't and I'm not and it did put a dampener on the whole occasion. I couldn't even taste my butterscotch and pear trifle - although when I made the custard and the butterscotch sauce they did taste good - or the good wines we got, what a waste. And yesterday my face suddenly went red and became so itchy I was inclined to mimic a labrador (not for the first time) and rub it briskly on a doormat. I felt worse and worse. Bf suggested that I take an antihistamine and today I looked up adverse reactions to Lemsip Max to find out that an allergic reaction to decongestant looks just like I did yesterday. Given the choice between an intense need to flay my own skin off (especially my entire nose) and drowing in my own mucus, I've gone for the mucus option today. So that will be a treat then!

Highlights of festive period:
- dogs, dogs, dogs. I've really enjoyed having them here, despite Cheska being excessively pleased with her new, very loudly squeaky ball (even at 6am) and Lily's insistance on lying in my minute kitchen in case I drop something. We did a lovely walk yesterday - shorter than planned due to us only having about 1 lung between the 3 of us (mother seemed also to be coming down with cold at this point) but it had lots of small rivers and the dogs turned into hippos. Hippos who felt post-wallow that they should have had some of the flask of hot chocolate (with marshmallows to float on top) that I brought for human consumption. There was a certain element of canine sulking about this - despite bf giving them half of an enormous and very deluxe sausage roll from the Ginger Pig (which is not his pet name for me - no matter how apt - but a shop in Borough Market)
- funny and thoughtful present from best friend R who reads this blog and clearly was referring to my dressing down over not dressing up for running in inclement weather by bf a couple of months ago since she bought me some Nike running gear. Which I may have to slim into but makes me feel like a proper runner just by dint of owning it! I may leave it casually lying about, like some kind of window dressing!
- other lovely presents including a walking coat from mother in nice shades of green, lovely evening bag from other best friend E, elegant earrings from bf and - amazingly - a car sat nav from my brothers. Which may help me find R's house on NYD. Yep, she's my best friend but she lives MILES away and I've never seen her house as we always meet up in London. I am rubbish friend.

Lowlights:
- Lurgyied up to my eyeballs
- Severe sleep deprivation (mostly because of fabulous hostess duties - I'd really rather have staff I think - I'd happily dispense with the glory)
- Stressful dinner preparations in kitchen the size of a large wardrobe (with 2-3 people and 2 dogs). Not sure how we all lived to tell the tale
- RUBBISH telly on. Pah, how can I veg out properly in the true festive fashion if it's only soaps and reality TV on offer.

Now I'm looking forward to a few days of not-alotness before New Year in the Cotswolds. I am very excited because on NYE we will be walking around the White Horse in Wiltshire which I have wanted to do since I was about 6. Really. I saw it for the first time in something of a rush in October but now I can go back and have a good look and a walk - the forecast is for very cold but bright weather so ideal for a good tramp aroung with bf, mother and dogs. Then dinner and overnight in a pub and another walk on NYD before a quick trip to see best friend R (looking like a tramp I expect - me, not her). Only one scary bit - there is a disco at the pub. My mother and bf love dancing but I am v self conscious about this and tend to come across as a complete party pooper - never sure which is the lesser of two evils, boring party pooper or scary, graceless dancing elephant impression. And I'm not even thinking about what on earth I'll wear - arggghhhhh. Will have to at some point but am currently whistling loudly with my eyes shut rather than allow myself to freak out about this just yet. Full freak out will commence all too soon.

Merry Christmas one and all

It's Christmas Eve and I'm sitting in a near empty office feeling sick. I've got a nasty cold with the added extra features of nausea and light headedness (and that's before alcohol - in fact, thinking about it, perhaps alcohol would sort it out, rather like a double negative). I have lousy timing. And I've given the cold to the bf (the gift you don't have to wrap...) too who is cranky and grumpy about it. It doesn't bode well for a festive atmosphere!

But today - after I finally am allowed to escape the office - all I have to do is lug home some shopping and my computer, wrap two presents, stick labels on the presents, make custard and pack to go over to my mum's. This seems comparatively lazy after the last few days! The veg are pre-prepard, ready to cook for tomorrow and I managed to find a lobster for my mother (a pesky pescatarian) - which was a Christmas miracle in itself - and bf picked up the chicken etc from Borough Market. If we can just feel better now we'll be about ready for Christmas!

So we're at my mum's tonight and will walk the dogs with her tomorrow (and yes they have presents and yes we've wrapped them - they love that!), then go to bf's sister's for a couple of hours at midday, then back to our flat to cook an early dinner - my mum's coming to join us with the dogs. Hilariously Lily (chocolate Lab) realised last time she came that she was on the 2nd floor as she looked down at the ground through the window in astonishment and back up at us to communicate her amazing find! Then big walk on Boxing Day with homemade celeriac and stilton soup to take and a flask of hot chocolate with marshmellows waiting for us in the car with mince pies. And a very traditional moules frites for supper (ahem)! And pear and butterscotch trifle (which I'm making the custard for tonight). All this is just making me sick and dizzy but even if I don't recover, I'm not one of those girls who doesn't eat when they're sick sadly - quite the contrary.

New year, new job (as Mrs rightly said) - and new determination to get back to the slimmer side of a size 14? Yep, hoping I find that in my XL stocking.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Life is a rollercoaster

Although my personal rollercoaster seems to have more dips than seem fair. But maybe that's my negativity. Dips in real life are alot less fun than those on a rollercoaster too! And now I can't get that annoying Boyzone chap's song out of my head, sigh!

So on the positive - after a nerve wracking interview, I think I have the job. It's only a level transfer to another department but the areas they cover are very interesting and it may be easier to move up there. I applied for one position and at the interview they asked if I'd be interested in another one - I said not. But they rang me the next day and pushed it a bit harder and I agreed that it did sound more interesting. I hope I haven't just made a gullible decision based on some smooth sales talk! Once I said I would be interested, they said HR rules meant they could actually tell me if I'd got the job until today but "given our conversation you shouldn't be worried over the weekend".

On the negative - the weight continues to pile on and it is now difficult to find anything that fits me. I think I'm managing to rein back a bit on the chocolate but I know from bitter experience that I put weight on very easily but lose it with extreme difficulty. I have a supply of packs for a post Christmas kick start - probably 7-10 days so maybe that will be enough to make my larger skirts less tight. My likely imminent separation from the smack table can only be a positive thing too!

Intellectually, I can't work out how my (admittedly fragile) self-esteem is so closely tied to my weight and appearance but I know I felt better c2 stone again at my brief forray into the small 14s. And I feel lousy as hell now with my 16s straining at the seams.

And bf and I had a horrible row last night. I was on duty - which I'd tried to get rid of to no avail - but really had hoped it would be quiet as I had loads of Christmas prep stuff to do. But of course it was ridiculously busy. Which meant I was tense as bf went off to do a big Waitrose shop as I find it easy to do stuff myself but quite difficult to watch other people do it - it induces my overactive guilt gene big time. So I was probably a bit uptight already and stressed because duty was so busy and I was aware of all the Christmas tasks I wasn't doing. Then he started wrapping his family's presents - badly - and writing on them in thick black marker pen. I like to wrap in carefully chosen paper with ribbon and baubles and party poppers/chocolate. So I was stressed about that - which he said was control freakery and probably was. Then we were putting the tree in the holder and I managed to get my hand caught in it as bf shoved the tree in and really hurt my finger (it's a big stiff weird sausage like thing today). I was doubled over crying with pain and bf was shouting at me! He doesn't really do sympathy but I was not happy that he was having a go at me when I was in pain. He said it's akin to a reaction you'd have with a small child endangering themself - but that I shouldn't need to be told things that should be obvious to a 38 year old woman. It all turned into a horrible row (intersperced with me having to take and deal with work calls) which culminated in him walking out for over an hour and me then pleading with him and apologising. We decided it was basically my fault for being stressy but I still think he was mean to be angry when I was crying and in pain.

So I'm off today but it's our team lunch so I have to go in - so no time to go back to bed although I didn't get to bed until after 1.30am and didn't sleep well but had to be up to resume duty at 6am so I'm feeling jaded to say the very least. I shall just have to make sure I get stuff done now and not flop about. Yesterday was so busy I didn't even get to shower (or wash my face or eat (which may have made me more stressy)) so I'm definitely going to need to sort myself out in that respect before lunch. Which is dim sum at Ping Pong! It was my idea and I'm looking forward to it - I love dim sum, have never been to Ping Pong and I think it's good to get away from badly cooked, re-heated and over priced pseudo Christmas lunches.

It should be quieter at work now (famous last words!) so I will hopefully get to blog again before Christmas so will wish you a happy and calm (!) few days leading up to the Big Day. Yep, do as I say, not as I do....!

A material world

I have become aware that I have yet another bonkers disjoint in my head. Because I am so miserable at the moment: with work, with my weight, with my general appearance (not just the weight but I'm growing my hair and it's at that 'difficult' stage and I've got some big spots that take ages to clear), with my lack of self-discipline and general feebleness, my sub-conscious is constantly ferreting about for ways to make me feel better - by buying my way out. This is another vicious circle that I'm trapped in. Feeling like this makes me want to buy clothes - because if I think I look good that will lighten my mood - but (short of a miracle) I am not going to look good because of the weight I've put on and how that makes me feel. So constantly looking for clothes and trying them on just reinforces how miserable I feel about myself. And the only other treat I come up with is - guess - chocolate (or occasional forays into cookies/cakes) which as anyone with an iota of sense will know, just feeds (and I choose my word with care) the deterioration of my physical appearance. So then I feeel more miserable and..... And you know the rest.

I have been trying to use other people as inspiration. I look at girls in the street and if they look nice (read: attractive and slim) I desparately want to be like them and I try and use this to fuel my attempts to diet. If you can see that they've recently put on weight (there's alot of women wearing things straining at the button (and I'm one of them)) I use that to draw a parallel with my own position and try and use that as motivation. It just makes me feel miserable.

My mother uses self-loathing to get herself on a diet - she whips herself up into a frenzy and that does it for her. I certainly feel the self-loathing but it doesn't seem to actually DO anything but make me miserable.

Beware of the rant

I am so fed up. Work is a horrible place to be - most of the time. Since this bloke was over-promoted into being my line manager I have to endure being patronised on a daily basis. He's so puffed up with self-importance that that is almost unbearable but the patronising is even worse. Today our team head made me check off something with him - something I've just plain avoided since he was promoted. He tinkered with it for ages - giving the impression that it needed alot of work and when I looked, every (minor) change was for the worse. Then he swanned off for a freebie lunch - I won't have time to get out at all today.

And we have this ridiculous team Christmas decorating competition. I would so rather not (it too clearly reminds me of school) but given that we pretty much have to, I've come up with a theme for our area and done quite a bit of the execution and organisation. Now most other people have sunk into apathy (except line manager who is Too Important), leaving me to do everything and I just can't be bothered - especially when I'm actually so busy anyway. And it's a thankless task in any case.

And our senior top of office person (who has the social skills of a particularly uninterested inanimate object) has put me in a very difficult position. I was told he couldn't see a document (it's to do with keeping stuff within a very small unit) but my team boss said he had to - and to show him a paper copy. He refused to look at a paper copy, insisting I send it to him elctroncially even though this is what I am absolutely not allowed to do. Then sat on it and picked at it so I missed my deadlines - and of course I can't say why.

I did find out though, that someone else on my team feels the same about being patronised by the LM (line manager). She's at an interview today. I've got one next week. Problem is, I'm feeling so beaten down by it all that I can't perk myself up enough to be positive enough for an interview - even for this one which is a slight backwards step but in a nice field. I just want to go home, crawl into bed and cry. Luckily I'm seeing one of my best friends tonight for supper which I know will cheer me up. Endure, that's the key. Is that possible to do without chocolate? My skirts say it should be, my self esteem says it must be but as usual that message isn't permeating my thick skull. Only the fact that I can't actually leave the office or my desk has stopped me wedging industrial quantities into my greedy maw.

Christmas is coming, the Peridot is getting fat...

My clothes that were getting too loose to comfortably wear are now getting too tight to comfortably wear. And this is scaring me. Which is making me want to comfort eat. Which has absolutely not one jot of sense, logic or self-preservation.

It's not even my heart ruling my head. Every atom of me knows that eating too much chocolate is a bad idea but I sort of skirt round the issue in my head and have it anyway. And then spend each evening solemnly promising myself that tomorrow will be different.

One day I bought a pack of medjool dates to distract me from eating chocolate. It worked but I ate 14 dates instead. Not convinced that actually WAS any better for me. I felt ill afterwards too. Deservedly so of course.

And feeling those feelings of self-loathing swamping me again makes me want to buy clothes in an attempt to make myself feel better about myself. You can see that this idea is doomed to failure already, can't you. The hole I've created with chocolate can't be filled with either chocolate OR clothes (especially with the way I'm looking now). I know that this hole can only be shrunk (don't think it will ever be filled) by getting slimmer. Why can't I join all these insights together to form a resolve to stop me eating myself back to fatdom?

I am still runing - and REALLY resenting that that isn't enough to stop the lard piling on. I've moved inside to our complex's 'gym' now it's so cold and dark at 6.15am and the park is not always open (running up and down the road is even less fun). I have to stare at a wall in the 'gym' and my radio doesn't work down there (it's in the basement) - and I get all giddy when I get off the treadmill - but it's interesting monitoring my speed and trying to push it up. I should have gone yesterday and today but I've had such a bad headache and so little sleep (not through anything fun) that I have shirked. Walked in 2+ miles today instead - just far enough to burn approximately 12 calories and make my hair kink unbecomingly. So worth getting out of bed for I am sure you will agree.

And I'm keeping a grip on not eating too much fruit - surprisingly hard for me. And possibly negated by the chocolate eating thing in any case. I'm also trying to eat smaller portions (and would refer you again to the chocoate eating thing completely making a mockery of any other attempt of righteousness). I have c12 days of LL packs, ready for New Year but I really don't want to go back there full time. My plan was:
Breakfast - 0% fat Greek yoghurt, stewed fruit, few flaked almonds or porridge
mid morning - handful nuts
Lunch - soup or a salad
mid afternoon - portion fruit
evening - soup or salad or non-carb alternative
If you look very closely at this sensible (I think) menu you will see the word 'chocolate' written in very small letters between every line - and sometimes every word.