Day 12 CD

I NEVER thought I'd say this but I miss the LL packs! No, really! The CD ones are not as nice - wouldn't have thought that was humanly possible but there you go. Actually, that's a bit unfair as the soups are better but the shakes are very thin (a la LL vanilla versionI, chocolate etc) and the bars are rank (like all the original LL bars). The latter is especially disappointing as people rave about them. They do have real chocolate on and my CD buddy, R, has been carefully stripping the chocolate off, eating that and throwing the bar away! It's all the more odd as the packs are higher in calorie value (you only have 3 a day) so you'd expect them to taste better. My CDC (who's a bit of a chimp) swears that CD make the LL packs so I asked him why it would be good business sense to make a better product for a competitor than you formulate for your own business? That stumped him. Mind you, stumping him is not hard. But kind of fun (in an evil way).

The weight is slowly going down - by my scales I've lost the 7lbs I put on on holiday and have dropped a further 2-3lbs (depending on the day!). So that's good. But I ate on Saturday. Planned eating, I hasten to add. I decided I had to be less rigid - for the sake of my relationship principally - and accept that there would be the odd (very occasional) social occasion where I would need to eat. It makes me feel anxious about it but I'm determined not to stress about it. We had a friend over to see the fireworks on Saturday night and went to Carluccio's afterwards. I was very good - whilst I actually wanted a big plate of pasta, I actually had some parma ham to start and then a seabass fillet with a small tomato salsa (well, just c4 tomatoes cut in quarters with a smidgeon of onion) and about 3 roast baby new potatoes. But I'd made an apple crumble (popular request) and I did have some of that. Again, we had our guest there so I wasn't going to make a big deal about it. I made it with minimum sugar and a low GI topping - very little flour but oats and nuts. And I didn't have any ice cream with it like they did. In fact I deliberately got ice cream rather than cream as I'm pretty indifferent to it. And I had 2 left over LL packs as my only meal that day (lower cals than 2 CD ones and better tasting too) at 11am and then nothing until about 9.30pm! And now I'm back to the joyless existance of packs until our next social thing which isn't until 17th. And then I'm cooking for friends so have cunning lowest poss impact menu planned out.

I'm quite proud of myself though as I was ill last week and off work for 2 days (v unusual) but didn't use this as an excuse to cheat - rather as an opportunity, without the smack table luring me, to really stick to the straight and narrow. My CD buddy, R, was also ill but felt that she therefore deserved to eat what she wanted (that being scotch eggs, chocolate muffins and the like(it's always that kind of food, isn't it? Not tomatoes or lettuce or broccoli)). Not decrying her as we all have to face our own demons and deal with them as best we can. And she's a naughty, naughty girl anyway - I don't think she's ever stuck to a full week. But she's still lost over 2st and looks amazing - she's a very beautiful girl which always helps.

Had a very bad row with b/f yesterday. Sparked off by something and nothing - him being critical of my driving. He is very critical and I am a bad and reluctant driver who drove and felt I needed applause. It spiralled out of all control and recognition until he was seriously about to dump me. I rather thought these wouldn't happen when I lost weight since arguments often used to end up there, naive of me I guess. As it was, it kind of did again as I objected violently to him saying he was positive and supportive - about me losing weight. This is true but I rather flew off the handle and accused him of only valuing me according to my shape and size and said as long as I was slimmer I could be the most horrible person going - even sleeping around - and I'd still be better in his eyes than old fat, loyal, decent me. This made him cry (very rare) and basically say that was it, he just didn't care about me or anything to do with me any more, he didn't want to be with me and I was an evil, nasty, twisted person (I think he was afraid I would do this which I never, never would, I was just using it as an illustration of the nastiest thing I could think of). After a long time - and a fair amount of debasement from me I'm afraid - we did turn the corner and things are okay for the time being. I have to be less thin-skinned, he has to be more positive (not just about my weight loss). It all ended positively and ultimately - in, er, bed. Now I feel uncomfortable writing this as people I actually know in real life read this (only bestest friends) but this is a very rare occurence. Last time was probably c4 years ago - as he's always said he didn't find me sufficiently attractive to want to sleep with me. This makes me even more self-consious but assuming I passed the attractiveness test this time (obviously I was sucking in my stomach like mad (this is what he especially objected to before) and it's still a horrid, horrid thing) perhaps this will improve things between us. Especially after my misinterpreted comment.

We have our 2nd CD session this Wednesday. We have them fortnightly. The weighing in a public place thing won't come up for a month apparently but I'm just not doing that in any case. R isn't bothered but as CDC said, she can probably get away with it. Charming.