Consequences

I lived well – but not too well.  I definitely didn’t eat more than a third of things I wanted to.  I would say I ate like a ‘slim person’ but only if that person was eaten alive by jealousy when looking at her husband’s portion of fish and chips versus her own.  With further thought, I am retracting that plaudit!  I also had one instance where I overate – P had made his carbonara on my actual birthday, and I absolutely love his carbonara.  I told him to give me a small portion – when it arrived, I knew it was too big, really, I could have taken a third out and it would have been about right.  And then I ate three small macarons – really because I didn’t know how to count them MFP the following day.  Obviously not a good reason.  Anyway, I felt really, really ill.  This is a salutary lesson for our trip to US and Canada.  Ideally, I eat roughly half a UK portion – I think it will be closer to a quarter in the US and probably Canada too.  I really don’t want to feel that ill again.  I do hope these are not famous last words and I remember the (hours of) pain…

I steeled myself to get on SoD on Tuesday to start afresh.  I didn’t manage this every day of the weekend, as I should have done, mainly because I didn’t want the feelings of failure and misery which attack me when the scales go up, to spoil the weekend.  I anticipated as much as a half stone, just to prepare myself for the worst.  Reader, it was a single lb on.  Now, clearly I’ve dodged a bullet – or at least I have for now.  Not yet convinced that it won’t come back and bite me on my lardy arse.  So WI this week was still +1lb.  I’m still teetering just above the next stone bracket down.  I’d love to get there before my holiday (in two weeks’ time).  You know, Reader, how gratifying it is to see a stone down on the old SoD.

I have a couple of social things in the next couple of weeks – one should be okay, the other is potentially a tricky one.  The first is dinner with P tonight.  We’re going to a fish restaurant so it will be a modest affair (in terms of calories) – we usually have a seafood platter between us.  I will have a glass of wine though – and we’re meeting in a bar first, but over the course of the week, this is a manageable ‘splurge’ I think,  and I am at least doing quite a bit of walking today.  The other is the Harry Potter afternoon tea (I KNOW!) with one of my best friends.  Cakes and sarnies are not compatible with a diet at all.  It’s just before the next but one WI too, so is likely to skew my result.  As ever though, it means battling my ‘perfect’ versus ‘nothing’ approach: that really, really strong temptation that, since I’m not ‘doing it’ a bit, I may as well not ‘do it’ at all.  It causes me a ridiculous amount of mental anguish – it’s a constant refrain going through my head and it’s exhausting.  Even my fish supper tonight is tempting me to have something naughty today – as I won’t be able to fill out my MFP diary.  It doesn’t help that trying to wrestle a very drunk husband into bed last night, means I have not had anywhere NEAR enough sleep that I need and I’ve not slept well at all this week anyway.  So I want chocolate.  And I so want chocolate.  Deep breaths.  And there are cookies in the office – not ones I like, admittedly, but I so want one.  Or two.  This is why I need to just take deep breaths.  So.  Tired.

Ups and downs

I have been grimly hanging on by my fingernails. Because I know I am having this week ‘off’, I have been overwhelmingly tempted to start early.  My inner voice has been driving me mad, ‘you might as well’, ‘why not’, ‘what difference does it make’.  I have hung on but it’s been really tough.

I had an official loss of 2lbs last week – and since then I’ve lost another 1lb.  I almost didn’t get on the scales this morning as I had a pretty indulgent lunch yesterday with a friend and was afraid to see the result – even a longer walk and a very careful breakfast and dinner would not save me, I thought.  So I was very surprised – and delighted – to see 1lb off.  I’m hovering just above a stone drop – you know how tantalising that is, I know.

I think I am going to try and still weigh myself every day – even with this weekend of hedonism.  I hope it will keep the planned treats from sliding into a weekend of gluttonous excess.  And work is not great at the moment and I’m trying not to leap from planned hedonism into crazy and chaotic comfort eating.  I am not a brave person and I will find the daily encounter with SoD terrifying.  I will have to force myself into it and I will feel anxious beforehand and probably depressed afterwards!  Still, I have Tuesday off and will use that to leap aboard the wagon with nary a backward glance.  It would be nice to be in the next bracket down before holiday (3 weeks tomorrow) and I know I will have to lose the weekend weight.  And I know that post-holiday, I’ll be back up in this bracket again.  But still.

Actually my weight loss pattern – if there is one – is that I dip down, bounce up to where I was pre-dip and then have to put a few days in before getting consistently back to the dip.  Of course, all bets are off over this weekend.

And thanks for the jeans advice.  I think (all of) you are right.  I may even wear the uber-baggy pair to fly in as they’re so loose and comfortable.

All in the jeans

So, dear Reader, I want your advice.  Well, I always do, but this is very specific question.

Lesley asked about clothes.  I can’t say I’ve seen a massive difference (and I’m having one of my ‘stuck’ periods – which will move in the wrong direction post birthday).  I can fit – just - into a couple of skirts and dresses that I couldn’t before.  Of course this is nice, but I am definitely teetering here – a couple of lbs on and they would be too snug.

The biggest difference is jeans.  I’ve always worn jeans a size smaller than the rest of my clothes (and a good couple of sizes smaller than the comedy bosom allows) – not because I wear cystitis-risking super tight jeans, but for some reason, I always need to go down a size in jeans.  I had a favourite pair of jeans – they were Evans but they were lovely (yes, I’m shocked too).  Pale-ish denim girlfriend fit with navy embroidery on. Much nicer than it sounds.  They’re still okay-ish on the waist but the legs are ridiculously baggy.  Then I bought a pair from Boden to replace them – as far as possible –  in the same dress size.  They’re snug but they fit – I can do them up without having to lie on the bed and they feel okay.  Ditto same size plain, straight jeans from M&S.  Same size from Monsoon?  (I bought a pair with little silver stars on in the sale in a fit of ridiculous optimism)  Can’t even get them on properly, far less do them up.  Even far less breathe in them.  It’s very confusing – and worse, it dilutes the pleasure at getting down a size as there are these hangovers to a larger size.

But my question is this: in terms of packing for holiday, do I pack the Evans jeans?  I won’t be on a strict calorie controlled diet in Canada/US.  I will be trying to eat small portions (even by UK standards, by American standards it will be positively miniscule – and wasteful (middle class guilt)).  But still.  I go in three and a half weeks’ time.  I’m assuming I’ll be roughly this size/weight as I’ll put on over this weekend and then work at getting the weight off again.  I know that there’s a theory that would say taking the smaller jeans (not the Monsoon’s, obviously) would be way of forcing abstention  – but does that really work?  Or is it just a way to ensure misery (and crushing of internal organs!)?  What do you think?

Diet v fun

Now, where were we?

There is too much going on at the moment, it is making for a stressful dieting time.  So, the family evening out was not too bad – and thank you all for your interest/concern!  I managed to get to the far end of a rectangular table, next to my lovely sister-in-law and opposite my nieces – as far away from the evil SIL as possible.  She sat with my two brothers either side of her and flirted with them.  She was delighted with where she was.  It obviously all went too well, as my brother has invited us all to his for Christmas – and then chased when I hadn’t responded in a couple of hours.  Quite apart from it being FAR too early to talk about Christmas, you can imagine my horror!  This is one I absolutely have no intention of being bounced into, Arctic Cloudberry!  I think he’s trying to avoid having his wife’s family over as they are all appalling.  Last Christmas they – including his mother-in-law - all danced on my brother’s glass dining table, screaming at the tops of their lungs.  And broke it.  And as the chav-in-law HAS to surpass anything her sisters could do (which, to be fair, she is quite open about), each Christmas gets more and more over the top.  My brother has to redecorate, Fortnum hampers were bought for everyone attending and enormous trees were bought and tensions ran very, very high.  The girls were screamed at and reduced to tears (they begged to go to my mum’s), my brother was screamed at and huge fisticuffs broke out.  It sounds exactly what I never want to experience.

Anyway, we had my stepson and his girlfriend over for dinner on Saturday.  I drank very sparingly (and was proud of myself) but I ate too much.  I am not sure whether the band played a part – I’m assuming so, as it wasn’t huge amounts and I felt very, very unhappy and ill and full.  The band is hard to work out though as this is the only time I’ve felt anything from it.  But I’m taking that as a salutary warning as we descend into outright hedonism by this time next week.

My weight had gone down a pleasing amount, but I put on 3lbs over the weekend.  Meaning my loss for the week was 1lb.  I’m still not back to the weight I was at this time last week.  Sigh.

Tonight we are going to P’s cousin’s surprise party.  I definitely find that the more people there are at an event, the more stressed I feel about going.  Neither of us is particularly looking forward to this, admittedly, and by Friday we’re both pretty tired out.  We have to go south of the river in rush hour, which is going to be torturous, since we can only get there by car – it will take about an hour to travel what should be a 20 mins journey, but we have to be there in place by 7pm latest.  And it’s in a football themed venue.  Lesley will guess how thrilled I am about this.  Anyway, we’re going and will do so with good grace (outwardly at least!).  We won’t be drinking – and, if I can help it, I won’t be eating either.  I imagine there will be a buffet and this would be hard to calculate, calories-wise and not something worth postponing weight loss for.

Then on Sunday we’re going to friends for a barbeque.  This will be nice – and shouldn’t be too bad in terms of calories (it won’t be burgers and sausages, I understand it’s smoked chicken.  And salads) but I’ll be being careful.

Next week various birthday things start.  I’m really trying hard not to let it be the start of an avalanche, continuing up to the holiday (in 4 weeks’ time- but you know how these things can deteriorate if you (I) don’t keep a grip).  I have a lunch with a friend (and managed not to make it either dinner and cocktails or afternoon tea, so I’m quite pleased with myself, relatively), dinner at my mum’s on Thursday which will be her super-sharp lemon meringue pie and then we hit the weekend.  Friday we’re going for cocktails and dimsum at Yauatcha.  Saturday we’re going for tapas.  Sunday we’re going to the seaside and will have fish and chips (not sure how this might affect the band – will be a small portion).  Monday (my actual birthday) we’re just having local dim sum.  Dim sum and tapas are easier to have smaller portions of – there is some method here.  But, let’s face it, I’m going to put on weight.  I’m looking forward to the celebrations, but I’m determined to be disciplined in all other meals next week, to minimise the damage.

I’ve been meaning to post about clothes.  Will do that next week.

And yes, Arctic Cloudberry, family is what you define as family: this is a refrain of my husband’s – that it’s him and me and (mumbles) and sometimes my mum, depending on how she is behaving and how generous P is feeling.

Of food and family

I nearly posted yesterday – but I thought I’d wait for today for my official WI.  Had I posted yesterday, I’d have been 1lb lighter!  But as it is, I lost 2lbs last week which is a pretty solid loss.  Monday and Tuesday I was an additional lb down – so not quite sure why that suddenly went up this morning.  Hopefully it’s just a random blip.

I was feeling confident about the outlook right up to the bank holiday weekend – no social plans to trip me up.  So much for that!  Tomorrow I’m going out to dinner with both brothers, both sisters-in-law (one awful, one lovely), my mum and all three nieces (just my nephew missing).  Reader: I am dreading it.  I find large groups very daunting and difficult in any case (I was reading about social anxiety and…TICK).  And evil sister-in-law has to be the centre of attention at all times (and I am absolutely certain she suffers from narcissism which is a mental health illness so I do try to bear this in mind).  My brothers, whilst okay by themselves, revert to their teenage selves and just banter back and forth/insult each other for the whole time.  I am trying to focus on my lovely SIL, who my other brother and evil SIL are not very kind to, and my nieces, one of whom I don’t see very often as she lives in Cheshire.

It doesn’t help that it’s miles from me, deep into Kent (okay, not really that deep) – and I have to get back from there which will take a bit under two hours and involve most forms of public transport.  And a £20 taxi for part of it.

I remember the first time P met my family – and we were not so numerous then (although my father was present).  He couldn’t believe that neither my mum nor me had any presence at all. It’s like we weren’t there.  I think my dad said something bitchy about my mother and that was it.  I am not looking forward to tomorrow and it’s particularly annoying that it’s likely to scupper my diet, given how much I really don’t want to go.  I said I would though – and having had a go at getting out of it yesterday, now need to accept my fate.

And, we have P’s son and his girlfriend coming for dinner on Saturday.  P is cooking Thai/Malaysian (this is incredibly delicious).  As it happens, he’s made the beef rendang ahead of time – and has made it painfully spicy (4 tsp of chilli flakes!) so I won’t be able to eat that anyway!  There is also coconut rice, squash and onion curry and Singapore noodles (and the pork char sui in this is particularly tasty).  He usually makes enough to feed a football team, so we could be eating it for several days thereafter!  Although I can help myself to a small portion, I cannot begin to think how I calorie count this.  Luckily, P’s son (T) can probably eat as much as a football team.  When I had my fill, the nurse said to give myself the same size portion as you would an 8 year-old.   I am most familiar with T as an 8 year-old - and he could put away an astonishing amount of food.  He could eat an adult’s portion and a lot of my food too (he’d happily put away 8 roast potatoes, for example).  I don’t think this is what the nurse meant. 

And I’m making strawberry and Pimms trifle for dessert.  Additionally, this is usually a very boozy evening when we meet up with them.  I have only had a glass of wine twice since the op.  I don’t want to drink a load of calories, either.  But nor do I want to be a party pooper.  I think a strategy of sneakiness is required.

Fills and spills

I had a wary amount of saline in put in my band yesterday.  2ml.  So far so… not nauseous.  Touch wood, fingers crossed.  Ravenous, yes, but not (as yet) sick.  I think the next three days on liquids will pass very, very slowly.

Anyway, time for a status report from the beginning:

• In the pre-op diet (3 weeks) I lost 12lbs
• In the two weeks after the op I lost 13lbs (but then bounced up)
• In the last month I’ve lost about half a stone
• And from my WI this morning I lost 2 ½ lbs this week.
• So total since the very start, including the pre-op diet (beginning of June) is two stones (once you have a bit of bouncing about)

The surgeon said that for the first three months post-op, I was likely to lose a stone a month.  Well, he doesn’t know how pathetic my metabolism is - actually it’s been 1st 3lbs in a month and a half, so I’m not on track to do that (unless I drop 11lbs in the next fortnight, which seems … unimaginably ambitious).  And of course, the couple of weeks after the op has skewed my overall loss to an extent which I’m unlikely to ever experience again (and tbh, given that it was from being so ill, I’d rather not repeat).

My next fill would coincide with the start of my holiday.  They don’t recommend you fly within two weeks of a fill as the air pressure can cause your band to temporarily tighten.  If I’d pushed it, she would have done it, but given that she’s the pro, I’m sticking with her advice.  So no fill now until the second week of October.  I will have to rely on my famously shaky willpower, aided by MFP. 

My birthday is at the end of August and I’m planning on allowing myself some treats that weekend.  And a holiday in the US and Canada can mean some very unhealthy choices and considerably larger portions than I’m used to.  The wild card of course, is what impact this fill will have.  I’m assuming very little or none at all as it’s very rare to get the band to the right degree of restriction in a few months, let alone in the first instance.  A year – even two – is more likely.  But even if I won’t be calorie counting then, I want to relax but not go crazy.  Moderation is always a difficult thing for me to do, both mentally and physically. 

And the sad thing is that a frugal picnic whacked me up by a couple of pounds, so even being careful and sensible, I’m still going to come back home to Blighty considerably fatter.  I’m trying not to worry too much about it and adopt Lesley’s (sensible) advised philosophy that says that friends and food can be just as important as numbers on the scale.  And Seren’s advice about making the experience the central thing and food as incidental (I can try, at least!  Although I can’t quite get my head around that!).  Other than my birthday there is little in the diary between now and the holiday to impact on my losses.  Who knows where I’ll be by then.  Hopefully down a bit on today, even with a weekend off.  Crossing fingers again…