With one month and two days to go (or 5 weeks last Saturday), I expected to feel more nervous. And I am – a bit. I dare say that when it’s just ahead of me, I’ll be petrified. But I am so READY to be different. I am so tired of being me.
Three times in the last few weeks, I’ve sat next to someone on the tube who winces as I sit down. Now, I’m not encroaching on their side of the seat. I am always clean and although inherently quite scruffy, my clothes are modest and nondescript. I don’t have a huge bag/umbrella/dog to take up ‘their’ space. And yet, it’s clear from the disgust on the faces of these women (and has all been women), that they think fat is catching.
I wish it were – not just to malevolently give it to them so they can develop some empathy (although YES) – but if it was a germ or communicable disease, it is more likely that there would be a ‘cure’. I could pop a pill and leave this unpleasant episode behind me – no blame, no need to turn my life upside down – I’d just be well (slim) again. Wouldn’t that be lovely?
Of course, it’s probably not helped that from time to time, there are articles in the press, extrapolating from data that surely can’t definitively prove this, that if you have fat friends, you are more likely to be fat. My two best friends are both very slim – so I can hardly have led them astray. I wish that their slimness would rub off on me – why should it only be one way?! E has eviably clear skin and thick, wavy hair. R has enormous green eyes. Am I likely to pass on my fine hair, small nondescript eyes and dodgy skin to them? Or might my hair thicken, skin clear and eyes grow? I think the articles are trying to suggest, in the most sensational terms, that competitiveness helps keep you slim. If you go out to dinner with a fat friend, you’re more likely to make poor choices. It’s such an absurd argument that it’s insulting, no matter what your dress size.
But when someone reacts like that, it’s hard to keep it in mind that it’s a worthless , stupid prejudice. For me, at any rate, it whittles away another layer of my already ridiculously thin skin. It makes me want to go out less and less. I think, if I didn’t have to go to work, I would barely leave the flat. I feel anxious any time I do. The less there is of you, the more esteem people hold you in. It’s a sad fact.
2 comments:
No, no, just no! I'm not having it. Irrespective of what you weigh, you must work on boosting your self-esteem as you do NOT have to feel this way, at whatever weight you may be. I do NOT believe I am less because I weigh more. I'm sure Seren does not believe that either. You categorically ARE NOT less just because you weigh a bit more. It is just ridiculous.
Then the question of "blame". I remember feeling guilt and fault when I was fat (note - I still am fat but don't feel the guilt) as if I was to blame for it. That is the major blessing which Dr Steve Peters gave me - release from that toxic guilt and blame belief system. He made it clear to me that weight, fat, whatever you call it, is not a question of fault or blame. Being slim is simply a skill; we just haven't learned the skill of controlling our weight yet. And, in the same way that you wouldn't blame or guilt trip someone who struggles to do complex maths or learn japanese or to play the violin, why do you blame yourself for not picking this one up in the face of all the obstacles in your path?? As with music or sport or maths, being slim is not a game played on a level pitch. Some skills comes naturally to some people and others find certain things difficult but no skill can't be taught or learned. It just is not a skill to hang your self esteem on!!
I worry that, if you don't work on appreciating your self and worth as much as you do on shrinking, you may find that losing weight is a hollow victory. And what if you experience a setback? It coud be devastating for you and it does not need to be.
I know what you mean about the wincing on trains although I'm sure your thin skin is making it worse. But if it happens to me I think - stuff her, there is nothing wrong with me, I paid for my ticket the same as her!
As for fat contagion, I can see how this works between couples, you see them here and there. They get into a cosy world of over-eating and live in houses with too much food and not enough exercise. Rich and I were there for a while. Maybe in close friend groups too, eating or drinking too much becomes the norm but anything more than that is nonsense.
What do you think your friends value in you? You listed their physical attributes but I'm sure that's not why they are your pals. I bet they would say lots of nice things about you and not mention your weight, other than perhaps to note how your sadness about it has blighted your life unnecessarily (as a friend once said to me before I learned to shed the blame).
So, you might divine that I feel strongly about this. Ditch the guilt, learn to love yourself and not only will it be easier to drop lbs but it will be more fun on the way down.
Oh and, you have beautiful eyes you daft mare!! Lxxx
Goodness! I think this comment is as long as the post! Thank you for taking the time.
I like the analogy that slimness is a skill that some are inherently better at than others. I’m probably even worse at it than maths (complex or otherwise)! But I’m going keep on plodding along.
And what you say about a setback is very true. I don’t quite know what to do about that.
Px
Post a Comment